SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello....

What is it like and what should I really expect 3 months post Dday?

As for me, still unstable.
I have good days but most of it are bad days.

There are some days I am on the verge of giving up or atleast thinking doing the grey rock method to my H.

He is trying but I dont think it is enough. Most of it if not all are all broken promises/empty words. "Love bombing?"

Does anyone chose to R but did not to any IC or MC? How did you managed it? Was it successful?

My family and friends who are my support keeps me on a positive side (pray, accept, heal, forgive, surrender everything to God and the serenity prayer) which I do really appreciate but we all know it is easier said than done.

Anyone would like to share their story or any advice? Thank you in advance.

I’m just a bit ahead of you, coming up on 4 months post d-day. I started to feel a bit better around the 3 month mark. More good days than bad- but good days still have crappy moments. I say good if more than half of the day was positive. I definitely have days where I’m totally done and want a divorce but they’re not too often anymore.

Things that I think have helped me: reading Living and loving after betrayal by Steven Stosny and doing the exercises daily, sometimes more. Especially the restorative images. Also, my IC has been amazing. I wish I would have started that right away.

My WH is making efforts and I believe they’re sincere. But I’m trying hard to base my thoughts and feelings on me and what I’m doing- not him. My goal of healing is to feel ok no matter what happens in my marriage.

Sorry you’re in this situation, know that you aren’t alone.

Hi KiboGaAru! You're still very, very early days in your recovery. Three months is nothing. Maybe the shock part has worn off but you're still grappling with the trauma. They say it takes 2-5 years to heal. Everyone thinks they can "fast track" it but guess what? You can't. There is no substitute for time. At three months I was still extremely wrecked and heartbroken. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, you know... all the things.

Why can't you get IC for yourself? MC is a wasted of time in the early days so no one here recommends that. But focusing on your own healing is paramount and IC can really help. It can also give you some perspective on why you're staying in a M where your WS has done so much damage and can't really get his own shit together to put together these broken pieces.

I'm sorry that you are here. You deserve better. Everyone does.

I’m so sorry you’re here. Hugs.

I’m over three years out, but at three months out I was still a complete mess. I think that’s pretty normal.

My husband and I reconciled with very little IC/MC. It’s possible, but I don’t think it’s the best way. Our Dday was in the height of Covid, and we live in the middle of nowhere. There’s a critical shortage of mental health professionals in our area, and most have long waits. It took us a year to get an appointment, only to have the counselor tell us after our first meeting that she had a conflict of interest (it’s a small town; everyone knows one another). Even the one session was helpful, though. We then tried virtual counseling, which we both hated, so we put ourselves back on the waiting list for in person IC. About six months later we got in, and each of us had six IC sessions about two years after Dday. Mine weren’t particularly helpful, but I think my husband found his somewhat helpful.

Why aren’t you pursuing counseling, if you don’t mind me asking?

Whatever the case, I’m sorry again that you’re here. What you’re feeling is completely normal under the circumstances, and it will get better, but it’s all brutally hard. Hang in there.

At three months, I figured it was a good day if I brushed my teeth. Most of the day was spent sobbing at my desk (thankfully at home), hoping to do enough work to not lose my job. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, nightmares, jumped at any unusual sound, jumped out of my skin if my XWH tried to touch me, strangers would stop me in the grocery store & ask if I was ok.

You don't have to accept it and forgive right now. In fact, asking you to accept it may be a form of emotional abuse. If he were beating you until you were unconscious, would your family be saying the same thing?

Don't listen to his words. Watch his actions. If he's not doing the work, then call him on it.

Has he read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald? It's fairly short and is a good blueprint for him to follow.

To: AintDatSpecial,

We are kind of in a similar situation.

Glad to know that I am not alone but not glad that we are going through this.

Thank you for your words.
I will try to focus on healing myself first and not both (myself + M) together.

Hey OP, I'm sorry you are here. Like others have said, three months is very early on. I was barely functioning at that stage.

Please take what I have to say next, in the spirit it is offered. I am thinking of what is best for you.

(pray, accept, heal, forgive, surrender everything to God and the serenity prayer)

Now, I am a man of faith and I follow the way, so I respect people of faith. That being said, my experience in the last four decades as one who believes, is that the faith community can sometimes do more harm than good when it comes infidelity. Often, the tendency is to rugsweep, make it go away and return to business as usual. Often, the pressure is put on the BS to forgive as they have been forgiven, while the WS is washed clean and absolved of guilt. While I understand the theological underpinnings of this, the practicalities that none of what you listed is achievable until both of you have done the hard work in your individual lives. Only then can you attempt MC. If people have not experienced infidelity invtheir own lives, then they often have some wonky ideas about it and how to heal. They figure you just get over it and Often become frustrated if you don't. That's why yhis site is so valuable. We share a common trauma.

What you listed are goals, not approaches to healing. Yes, the serenity prayer is good, but not if you force yourself to repeat it without engaging in the process of healing. Let's take the concept of forgiveness. What does it look like to you? Does your WS need to earn it? If so, how? What metric will you use to judge progress? What about timeline? How long? Does it include staying together? Etc. I am 6 years out from Dday and I have not uttered the word forgive to my EXWW. Not sure if I ever will. I'm more or less indifferent now. I don't wish her ill, and I don't wish her well. I just don't wish her anything.

I did IC, then MC, then I filed and did some more IC. I'll be honest, my IC was just not very good. One of the crappy exercises she gave us, was a script we had to read to each other while facing and holding hands. I was to look deeply into the eyes of the woman who had recently blown a stranger in a parking lot and tell her that she was amazing. I tried it once, almost threw up in my mouth, laughed in her face and walked out. I wish I would have found a trauma specialist who is experienced in infidelity. Hopefully you can find better. IMHO, I'd stay clear of religious IC, as the theological stuff can add a layer of complexity to the therapy, but it's your call. So,if you can't get IC, then I suggest you read, journal, and keep posting here. The aggregate wisdom and experience of this place is invaluable. It saved me. Soon enough, you will internalize much of the information here, which will help in your healing journey. Take your time and give yourself grace.

To: BrokenheartedUK & Grieving,

Thanks for your messages.

I actually do IC, however, I dont think theyre both working for me so I might have to find a new one.

1st has some red flags and some judgement.

2nd was pretty much by the book or I can search it up my own.

It is just difficult to get a new therapist because you have to repeat the story again about the affair that is why I am not sure if I still want a new one.

You are right about the fast track. I couldnt agree more! Our family expect me to just accept, forgive and move on. 🙄

Anyway, thanks again and I wish you guys well.

Hope the reconciling is going well too.

To Leafields,

Thanks for your message.

About the book, I actually just told him about it yesterday so hopefully he will read it. Thanks again.

I told him as well that Im done having his empty words. Informed him not bother if he will just say it instead of doing it.
Right now, I am just giving him the cold treatment. Im done making extra effort for him when he should be the one proving his worth. So annoying.

Anyway, thanks again. 😊

Hi KiboGaAru

Our family expect me to just accept, forgive and move on

My situation is different in that by 3 months post Dday my STBXWW had moved out to live with AP and I had filed for D, however I could not agree more with the above statement. Family/friends do not fully understand what YOU are going through and if they have not been through it themselves they have no clue whatsoever of the degree of hurt and confusion you are currently experiencing.

Let them have their own thoughts but you should focus only on your own timescale, you will be able to accept, forgive and move on only when YOU are ready, not a timescale that others will try to dictate. I am going through the same, some friends understand and some think you should just move on instantly, which is clearly not possible.

I am glad you are here because you will get good advice from people that have really been there. I was lucky to find this site very early in my journey and it has been a massive help in understanding what I was going through and what to expect next.

[This message edited by Iamenough666 at 7:00 AM, Thursday, October 5th]

I think the Serenity Prayer, whether you believe or not, still fits our lives.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

You are only responsible for your own thoughts, deeds, behaviors.

Your ws is responsible for his.

Know the difference because if he only changes the surface things you might find yourself back here again

As to your family, and others, you need boundaries. We are pack animals. We need our tribe. But your tribe is trying to pound you, the square peg, into a round hole. The healthy way to help you is to help you find your square hole. Everything else is just noise. This is when using the word NO is necessary. You want support and encouragement but not coercion. This is where wisdom comes in. Your wisdom, your mental and physical health, your healing are up to you. It means seeing a dr if you have anxiety and depression. It means putting up boundaries and sticking to them with your ws and your folks.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 1:52 PM, Thursday, October 5th]

Cooley2here:

Thank you for your message!
Needed to read/hear that.
Really appreciate it!

I am always amazed when people muscle their way into others’ lives. Of course you want support and love. Being there for you to vent is what you need. They need to wait until you ask for their opinion because then you are open for it.
Look after your health. Chronic stress is cumulative and can cause long term problems.