SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband is much different this time around. Our recovery last time (in 2005) was essentially short circuited by his cancer diagnosis, then the surgery and recovery, followed by a major surgery I had. By the time we went through all of that, a year and a half had passed, and we had faced looking into the abyss of cancer. Looking back, we worked on a lot of things, but other things were passed over because we had our focus ripped away.

His recent EA brought all of that back into sharp view. One of the things that is very different this time is his response and actions.

He is doing things differently. The last time we did the "his needs, her needs" thing, and basically it was emphasized to me that I failed to meet his needs, yadda yadda.

This time we know that’s just BS, and we’re not talking betrayed spouse here, but bullshit. And he said so. He has repeated, daily, that his behavior is 100% his fault, and that none of it had anything to do with me.

He has answered every question truthfully, and we went back to day one of our relationship - something we didn’t do before. I learned things I didn’t know, some good, some bad. But truth has been told, openly and honestly. No holds barred, and it has been hard but remarkably freeing for him. He has talked more about his feelings than ever before.

We are using EFT approaches, and working through the conversations and concepts. It works for us. Definitely works for him!

I have seen huge changes in him.

We went to eat at a restaurant the other night, and we were just talking about something (I don’t remember what it was even) and he started to answer me. It was a simple thing, I thought, and it triggered him. He took my hand and tried to speak and just began to cry, right there, in the restaurant. He took a minute and gathered himself. Then he said, "I don’t know where that came from. I do that every day, from time to time. I just get triggered when I am reminded how I hurt you."

That never happened before. Recovery before was about how I needed to focus on meeting his needs.

This time, his focus is on changing himself and how he interacts and behaves in our relationship. He’s doing a lot of work, and I’m seeing results.

This is the person I married, peeking out at me again.

5Decades, you and I are on a similar timeline and experiencing similar growth in our relationships.

I'm very happy for you. Those tears are lovely balm for the soul, aren't they?

Wow.

We have been doing a LOT of work the last couple of months.

We have both cried. Read several books. Lots of emails and calls to one another. Healing cuddles and conversations.

Last week, we had a few emails back and forth and a long conversation, all centered about his childhood and what he described as a kind of fantasy life that seems to have had its roots in his parents’ divorce and remarriage.

His father had several affairs. He left his mother and married an affair partner when he was about 8. This resulted in a sudden and drastic financial change for his mom and the two boys - definitely not for the better. He hated going over to the dad’s house, where he had set up the new wife and now-adopted step sister (his dad legally adopted the new wife’s daughter) in a fancy house, with nice cars and all the newest everything. And the two boys were put to work on the ranch, then sent back to mom after a not so great time with dad.

WH says he began fantasizing then, and as he became a teen, this moved into sexual fantasy as well.

His step mother had an affair (shocking, I know!) and left his dad for her affair partner. This was indelible - he, his brother, and his dad had come home one day and she had cleaned out EVERYTHING in the house, the furniture, clothing, dishes, all of it. He says his dad just crumbled.

And in his mind, he said he saw that and thought it served him right. WH said one of his fantasies was that his dad would see justice.

Only what happened next? WH’s mom and dad - got remarried to one another. Yes, she took him back. And my WH said it was the worst day of his life. He says he had no respect for him, and was glad he only had about a year left to live with him because his dad was just horrible.

I know - now he does this to me…WH does see the parallels.

So our discussions over the past couple of weeks have been nothing short of amazing. This discussion here was good, but then I wrote to him about MY fantasies, and I just poured out everything I was feeling about his affairs, his bullshit, how he mirrored his dad, his profession of "love" to AP, his fantasies of her, all of it. 8 pages of stuff.

And I hit send, even though I thought better of it.

He was angry. But he said he needed to think about things before he responded.

Ok, be angry, I said. I’m angry, too, I thought. Tough shit.

Then, the reply came.

OMG. If it could have been better, I don’t know how it could have been.

He told me what he was thinking during the EA, the decision making, his emotional response to his own idiotic actions, his true feelings toward her, his self-deception, his lies to her, me, himself - all of it.

He just let it all out, put it on the table, and asked for nothing in return.

No excuses. No blaming me.

He just gave me exactly what I needed to know.

Finally.

I have been away for a week, and he has been alone at home. He has had time to think and compose his thoughts.

Well worth the wait.

HURRAH! That's beautiful.