SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm having a very hard time right now.

Anytime we go out and I see a vehicle like what wh drives, I get anxious. It feels like my heart is in my throat.

Recently I've felt like someone is sitting on my chest. It gets difficult to breathe and that's been while at the house. It gets worse when I go out.

I took the kids out to get groceries then spend time at the splash pad park. I was super aware of everything around us and I saw at least 5 vehicles like wh's.

It's pretty sad that the kids notice and will comfort me. Usually saying "it's ok mom".

Logically I know wh isn't going to come anywhere near me. He doesn't want to get in more legal trouble. But weird shit has happened and I can't help feeling anxious.

One day we were out we came home to the combination lock not working. Ended up having to break in. Get inside and go check the door to find the inside panel is off a bit and one of the batteries is half out. Worse I bring some stuff in through the garage and find a used condom right in front of the basement door. Like WTF!

The combination lock code had been changed and ALL of the other doors and windows were locked.

Maybe when we slammed the door shut it knocked the panel and battery? Maybe the condom was in the van and got stuck to one of the kids shoes?

Anyone have any tips for remaining calm? Or how to ease the crushing chest feeling?

Nothing works great for me. If I go out I am constantly fighting the urge to flee. I get chest pain, feel faint and dizzy. It is truly awful.

Medication has not worked for me but might be helpful for you.

I try to distract myself by doing something to take my attention away from how I feel. Talking to someone is what helps me the most but I can't always do that.

Exercise seems to help a little bit.

I also practice guided meditation and relaxation which helps some.

Sometimes I repeat to myself that I am ok and I am safe.

You have just been through trauma and it will take your senses a while to calm down.

Do you have security cameras? That might give you a little piece of mind.

Thanks Zebra.

It wouldn't be so bad if there weren't so many exact vehicles like his. I see at least two any time I go out. Once I counted 8.

And during the week isn't so bad becauze he's at work. But weekends are still so stressful.

When he was here it was constant verbal abuse. I dreaded weekends. Now I dread going out.

Even at home I can't sit outside without watching the vehicles drive by and feel upset.

Even the kids are nervous when vehicles drive by slowly.

This is an awful way to live.

Oh I have trail cameras yes but haven't put them up. I had a eifi system of cameras going but it's not working. Won't log in.

"This is an awful way to live."

Yes, it is. I imagine seeing those vehicles is very disturbing.

Is pepper spray legal in Canada? I'm not thinking you would necessarily need it but maybe having a way to defend yourself would give you a small amount of comfort.

Is pepper spray legal in Canada?

No it's not. I wish it was.

I have to make my statement about the assault on video this week and have an appointment at the police station. I was shaking while on the phone with the officer who will be doing it. That's made my anxiety even worse too. I don't know how I will get through it.

I used to listen to music when I was upset and now music drives me crazy. I can't stand it.

I really like guided relaxation.

If you can't use pepper spray is there something else you can use? I take it with me when I go running. What the neck are you supposed to do to defend yourself?

I really like guided relaxation.

Do you listen to anything specific? YouTube video or something?

If you can't use pepper spray is there something else you can use? I take it with me when I go running. What the neck are you supposed to do to defend yourself?

You can only use enough force to get away. So they come at you with a knife, you cannot shoot them.

I've always told dd that if ever attacked to go nuclear on the person. Make sure they aren't getting up. One kick to the groin then anotjer to keep him down(and yes I know she knows how to do that, she got her brother down one day then kicked him in the eye!).

I won't be out jogging anytime soon. Maybe walking. With the difficulty breathing jogging would ruin me.

I'm also continuing to lose weight. Down another pound from just a few days ago. And yes I am eating.

Yes, I use YouTube guided relaxation. I like hearing a calming voice tell me what to do.

Ok thanks I'll look it up. I need something.

I hope it helps.

(((Drgn)))

Whenever I see someone bring up panic attacks, anxiety and PTSD, it reminds me of my own struggles - I have dealt with life-long anxiety, at times it has become so debilitating that I was completely non-functional... like the only thing I could do was get up off the couch to let the dog out and in - and many times I was cursing the dog for needing to go out to pee because it meant I had to get up off of the couch. Of course, that day that we don't talk about on this sub-forum started a whole new cycle of anxiety. For almost four years, I couldn't drive on freeways; thankfully 95% of the places I needed to get to, I could get to on surface streets. So anxiety and panic attacks have ruled my life in one form or another for many years. When I was at my worse in 2011-2013, I lost 30 lbs. and ended up in the hospital.

Incredibly helpful for me is exercise. You don't have to go out running, but how about a brisk walk? Nothing chore-related... just something to get you out of the house, doing something for you. Regarding meditation, I highly recommend an app called Insight Timer. I opened my app just now and it showed that 9.908 people are using various options on it to meditate around the world right now. It has endless possibilities to choose from, depending on how long you have to meditate (as little as five minutes, up to 30+ minutes). Different people respond to different guides voices differently, so you can find someone's voice that soothes you. There are a ton of options within certain categories. You really have to look at the app to see everything if offers.

Honestly, I have practiced meditation, but didn't find it wasn't all that helpful, but I was doing it in a group setting, and I think I wanted it to be my group therapy session, and it just wasn't designed to be that.

There are all kinds of meds, from anti-depressants to benzodiazepines (which don't even consider if you have an addictive personality); benzos have gotten me through the last two months, with my cancer diagnosis, to preparing to and moving across the country. Thankfully I have had some great psychiatrists that, after they get to know me, realize I'm not asking for Xanax to feel good or high... there are times I need it to function daily, and they know I won't abuse it.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma is a 2014 book by Bessel van der Kolk about the effects of psychological trauma, also known as traumatic stress. It is very powerful in explaining what you're experiencing physically due to trauma, so hopefully you don't feel so alone in your response. When I've had trauma, I would run a tape through my head saying, "Why can't you deal with this and function normally at the same time?" I have to be reminded that the body does keep the score and I'm not abnormal in my reactions to situations.

The guided meditations on Insight Timer will teach you various breathing techniques that you can use as you go about your day... whenever you see a car that reminds you of him, you're faced with another mountain-load of paperwork, when you have to make a statement, etc. It may not make the crushing feeling go away completely in the moment, but it can help you be in the moment and focus on the task at hand.

I totally became barely functioning earlier this year. Just got out of bed to get the kids to school thrn laid in bed all day for months. I'd get up about an hour before dd got hone, clean up the mess from the night before then get dinner ready.

I didn't clean and only did laundry because the kids needed clean clothes.

A brisk walk is fine. Just live on a highway and need to take precautions lol. No one does the speed limit. There is a route I can take that goes along the side and around a backroad. If the trail through our forest was graded I could walk through there. It's a good walk to the back.

I've felt scatterbrained for a year. Hard to remember things. I was always on edge while he was here and now that he's gone it's worse with the anticipation of him doing something. I had nightmares before he left that he wanted me dead and was either waiting for me to do it myself or planning something. Every morning I woke up I was surprised he hadn't smothered me with my pillow.

I'll look up that app. Thank you 😊

I forgot about Insight Timer. I used it this morning to get back to sleep.

I'm having a meltdown this morning.

Dd woke me up saying her dad sent her a message that her and ds birthday gift had been dropped off by their grandfather.

She wanted me to walk down to the bus shelter to get them.

I know damn well it was stxwh. Even with conditions not to come to the house he can find a way to make it plausible that someone else was here when it's more likely HE was here.

And even if I had been awake that early to watch, it was to dark and the tire tracks didn't come far enough down the driveway to trigger the motion light. Being so far from the road I wouldn't have seen anything but headlights.

This is so frustrating. It feels like he's saying f you I can still do what I want and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm so sorry Drgn.

I know you don't have extra cash right now but is there any way to get your hands on some security cameras? Would your trail cams work on the driveway?

Your anxiety is understandable. Who wouldn't be anxious knowing he was on your property and being sneaky about it.

The 2 trail cameras I have are up by the house. I can move one.

It just feels like no matter what I do he will always get what he wants.

My chest hurts. I'm trying not to cry now that all if the kids are awake but it's hard.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this.

Go see a doctor? My psychiatrist was once willing to prescribe anti-anxiety meds for me, although they were highly addictive so I declined her offer.

I think the security cameras are a good choice.

I also don't think that you are overthinking this. The used condom was almost certainly not an accident. Have you shared that information with the police?

Have you shared that information with the police?

Not yet but I will be when I have my appointment this week.

Do you really think I'm not overthinking it all. The weird shit that's happened?

Nothing, that we can tell, has been moved around, nothing of wh is missing. Of course if it was it would be obvious that he was here.

I'll just let police know and see what they say.

I'm calmer now. Went out with the kids then came home did some stuff then went for an hour nap.

*edited to fix word

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 11:34 PM, Monday, July 31st]

My doctor just put me on a low dose of anti-depressants (which I recently went off of last year and was doing ok). This divorce has really ramped up my anxiety, PTSD, depression and mind ruminating... Grrrrr