SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wonder what it’s going to be like in her head when she’s not competing against you when you guys are D and she has him all to her selfish self.

Boy, at this point, let her have him! They are their own worst nightmares.

The more I am on this site, the more I understand why God says vengeance is his. There’s so many times where revenge for the hurt and pain is served cold by the very choices they’ve made.

No need to interfere in his future with her. He took what could have been a lovely family and made it hell on earth. What are the chances he will do any better this time around?

Now you’ve got a chance to turn your wilderness into a peaceful garden.

I’m feeling metaphorical tonight, can’t ya tell??

I lost him a long time ago. Or maybe I never really had him.

He sure as shit wasn't interested in a marriage with me. Not when he was cheating from at least year 2. And it was ALWAYS some form of cheating be it actual other woman or online personal ads. Or just so focused on half naked woman pics/videos online. It was never ending for almost our entire 15 years together.

He never was focused on me or the kids or the house or the marriage. His head (and dick) were always elsewhere.

I'm not sad he's gone. I'm sad I wasted 15 years and chose to get my tubes tied when he and I agreed we were done having children.

I'm sad for my children that their father chose a whore and his new baby over them.

I'm sad that he modeled exactly how you don't treat a woman to my sons. A father should never abuse his children's mother!

And AP can have him. All of him. The fake nice sweet person he pretends to be and the all to real violent angry, throw a hammer across the room cause hes having a tantrum, who is incapable of empathy, communication, real love and ever being honest!

Yep she can have him!

Don't worry about the old alone thing. It's just a passing fear and totally natural. I'm 15 years in to growing old alone and it's pretty awesome. You'll totally get there.

And BTW, Fuck. That. Guy.

That is all. HUGS.

FF

Without having to walk on eggshells every day now I can actually focus on doing things I like.

Starting up hobbies again.

Got a few people who said regardless of what happens with the house if I need help they are ready to come when I need them.

Its just getting through this D process. Ugh! Totally sucks. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but damn. I just want my maiden name back. Hopefully the criminal part of this will result in him being kept away from me for as long as possible. I still don't trust him. And never wil after what he's done.

I really need to talk to my IC. It's like I am free to have a voice again. To finally recognize and be angry about all of the abuse instead of just taking it.

I'm enjoying puppy snuggles. Ok not a puppy lol. All 65-70 pounds of bulldog actually. She seems to know when I need it.

I don't know what riding you're in Dragn, but if things are going slow, you can try calling your MPP. Some offices are good some are not, hopefully yours is good! They may be able to help you speed some things up, or give you suggestions that you might not have thought of. (if it's a good office). Like with some emergency assistance, possibly with the counseling and other programs that may be available to help you out.

nomudnolotus

That's a good idea,thank you.

I know there are free supports through the hospital.

The emergency funding requires a ton of paperwork I don't have. Hard to explain but let's just say much of what they want was destroyed and to get new ones I have to pay and wait a few weeks. So the "emergency fund" really doesn't help one bit for right now.

We are managing thanks to some very kind people.

It sucked having to pay the vehicle insurance this morning, so much money that could have gone to bills, food etc, but seeing as I'm still on that policy and driving wh second van I needed it paid. The good news is I should have my own vehicle here before the end of the week and my own policy.

nomudnolotus

That's a good idea,thank you.

I know there are free supports through the hospital.

The emergency funding requires a ton of paperwork I don't have. Hard to explain but let's just say much of what they want was destroyed and to get new ones I have to pay and wait a few weeks. So the "emergency fund" really doesn't help one bit for right now.

We are managing thanks to some very kind people.

It sucked having to pay the vehicle insurance this morning, so much money that could have gone to bills, food etc, but seeing as I'm still on that policy and driving wh second van I needed it paid. The good news is I should have my own vehicle here before the end of the week and my own policy.

It's weird that despite how stressful this month has been, theres a peace that comes from not being verbally bashed every day. It feels weird.

Go easy on yourself. This one passage, loosely translated, says "I need years of therapy." I'm saying that because it also applies to me.

Wait time is 5 months. Holy crap! So now I'm exploring other options for the kids.

One issue is that consent for therapy is required from both parents for most of the local services. You'd think there'd be an exception for this situation.

Get permission now. Get on the wait list now. Your kids will need therapy in 5 months too... meaning, make sure that you have a safety net.

Also, in my experience, it takes a crazy spouse some time to figure out how to manipulate their kids, so the sooner that you can get them into therapy the better (i.e., he'll look like a complete ass if he pulls the kids from therapy).

I believe all 4 kids have been put on the wait list but I'll still need permission from wh before the twins can access services. That can't be done right now with the no contact order.

Also, in my experience, it takes a crazy spouse some time to figure out how to manipulate their kids,

Ummmm not that long apparently...

so the sooner that you can get them into therapy the better (i.e., he'll look like a complete ass if he pulls the kids from therapy).

That's why im looking into other options. Just got a full day today and am feeling overwhelmed.

How do you cope with the bad days when there's more of them then good ones?

Oh I remember those early days of being separated and starting on the D path. They were plumb AWFUL and I didn't even have to contend with having kids with mine. And for reals I had days where I felt like I couldn't take one more damn thing.

But I could and I did and you will too Dragn. And the gorgeous part is that even though the D road is admittedly a rough one (it just is, there's no way around it), it is also a relatively SHORT one and the road on the other side is fucking AMAZING. I can't wait for you to get there - if you're this kickass when you've been putting up with this shite for as long as you have, you're gonna be unstoppable once you're free of it. You SO deserve to be free of this Dragn - you have done every possible thing you could to save this M, but it's time to save YOU now.

Just hang in there and please be kind to yourself honey. None of this is easy, so take every little victory you can right now. If all you managed today was being upright and putting on pants, give yourself kudos for it. Yes there are logistical things to contend with, but just take them one little bite at a time and they will get done eventually.

Sending you and your kiddos all my hugs and good juju!!

It's weird that despite how stressful this month has been, theres a peace that comes from not being verbally bashed every day. It feels weird.

Go easy on yourself. This one passage, loosely translated, says "I need years of therapy." I'm saying that because it also applies to me.

Absolutely. I'm 16 years out and I finally started therapy a couple years ago. It's a lot to untangle and the sooner you start, the better. I recently found the one journal that survived my marriage and reading it... oh man. It's rough sledding for sure. I know how those words hurt. (((Dragn)))

How do you cope with the bad days when there's more of them then good ones?

You can take solace in that you aren't a complete dumbass like me?

You have absorbed a shit-ton of abuse.... all that trauma is going to have an effect. Unfortunately, I am not joking when I am saying that you need years of therapy. I wish that I could give you a hug. (((Dragn)))

As far as advice, is there something that you can do to bring you joy? A hobby?

When I feel shitty, I like going out and being stupid-nice to people. Like, I'll walk around a Costco and help someone trying to lift something heavy. Or, I'll buy a coke from McDonald's and tell the person who takes my order that I really like their hair, tattoo, piercing, etc.

And BTW, Fuck. That. Guy.

Ditto.

If all you managed today was being upright and putting on pants, give yourself kudos for it

Today I had to actually shower, get dressed and go out. What a day! I'm pissed off I can't update here because I was stupid and shared SI with stbexwh...

Anyways, things are moving forward.

As an aside, helping your 12 yr old son pack for a 3 day sports camp end of year trip, is HELL in and of itself!!!!!!

Add to that a call from the court office about the case involving dd which only served to upset her OMG!

I am so done for today!

The twins have separate year end trips Friday too, but I have what they need already.

Thanks to some wonderful, super amazing people I was able to pick up groceries.

Now to just drink water. I totally forgot my water bottle on the table lol

I dont care who reads this I need the collective wisdom of ya'all!

One of the first times dd and wh communicated after his arrest she asked him why he cheated. He said he couldn't talk to her about anything to do with him and me right now but one day he would explain everything to her...

WTF is there to explain? What possible reason could he have for:

-cheating on and off for 15 years, putting MY health and the health of our children (becauze he cheated while I was pregnant) at risk.

- refusing to be apart of any of the children's medical decisions, except to deny that they had any issues at all!

- refusing to participate in basic household responsibilities. Anything and everything from finances to fixing a broken pipe wad ALL ON ME.

-throwing tantrums because he was asked to cut the grass, clean up any mess he made etc. Instead of playing video games all weekend long.

- being verbally and emotionally abusive to me for years.

- using me as his personal blow up doll whether I agreed to it or not!!!

-refusing to communicate with me BUT totally fine with bitching to the kids about what I was or wasn't doing...

- and since starting this last affair, what possible reason could he have to justify physically HURTING ME?????

LET ME SAY IT AGAIN SO IT IS CLEAR...

PHYSICALLY HURTING ME...

I am not perfect. No one is. I failed in many ways, all while trying to survive daily abuse. I did the best I could and I won't apologize for not staying on top of everything.

I did NOT deserve to be abused!

So what the hell do I say to my teen who now wonders if it's OK for a man to abuse a woman if she's not perfect in every damn way?

Wh could have easily divorced me years ago. Hell I told him when it was just him, me and dd that if he wasn't happy and was going to cheat then he was free to not be married anymore!

The only mistake I made was staying with him this long. That's it.

Tell her exactly what you said - you didn't deserve to be abused. No one does. He's free to say as many stupid, ignorant things about it as he likes but it will NEVER justify what he did. Nothing can.

I did tell her that. And that he was free to divorce me whenever he wanted.

The problem is wh has a knack for sweet talking (ie bull shitting) his way out of anything. He got his female IC to call me and give ME shit for wanting access to his phone and accountability for where he was AFTER HE CHEATED AGAIN. Oh but it was just to stressful for him to have to be accountable to his wife

I swear he could sell shit and say I was gold and people would buy it.

If he is going to try and manipulate your children to defend him and convince them to dislike you... you need to tread very very carefully. This is a huge problem... there is no obvious solution either.

I would (gently) recommend the following:

1. Be consistent. You'll need to hide your emotional swings as best as you can.

2. I'd recommend that you teach your children that infidelity and physical abuse are hard boundaries for which there is no excuse. Admit that you were not perfect if you want, but your imperfections (whatever they are/were) are not sufficient to justify infidelity or physical abuse.

3. Focus on the present rather than the past. Be a good parent, now. Your kids need you.

I've sat down with all of the kids and the older ones individually to talk about what's ok and what's not ok.

Cheating is not ok.

Verbal abuse is not ok.

Physical abuse is not ok.

The seem to understand.

I'm entering into the numb stage. Maybe I'm to tired to react or maybe I am heading towards indifference.

The thing is there's more to unpack than just his infidelity and an OC. There's years of abuse and then the physical abuse that must be worked through both from a legal standpoint and emotional one.

There's the family court/divorce stuff to deal with as well as the criminal part. It's alot to cope with.

I'm doing my best to be the best mom I can which also means keeping the regular schedule, making sure the kids do their chores and the last of their work. They aren't to impressed with that lol

I do have a referral in for counseling through a different service for all of them which will be sooner than 5 months. Probably within a week or two. That's a positive.

I'm entering into the numb stage. Maybe I'm to tired to react or maybe I am heading towards indifference.

The thing is there's more to unpack than just his infidelity and an OC. There's years of abuse and then the physical abuse that must be worked through both from a legal standpoint and emotional one.

There's the family court/divorce stuff to deal with as well as the criminal part. It's alot to cope with.

I can say that I understand how back it is, except that I didn't have to deal with an OC or physical abuse or criminal anything.

It is a lot to cope with.. Ask for help wherever you can get it. Go easy on yourself. This sort of trauma is no joke. (((Dragn)))