SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It sounds like you believe that because she had an affair, it’s right and just for you to walk away in a divorce with everything the two of you own, plus full custody of/time with your kids. And that if she doesn’t agree to that, it’s proof that she isn’t sorry. Am I representing what you think correctly?

It's that it was 15 years of being lied to. 15 years of my life was stolen from me. If she cheated a month ago and I found out today I would be okay with splitting or whatever else. She should be grateful that's all I'm asking for.

[This message edited by 40kSpaceMarine at 7:34 AM, Saturday, June 17th]

My pastor is an expert on infidelity. I don't need a therapist to tell me it's my fault or my wife was sad or sick or something. After seeing what swinger whore did id rather not

That is not what a good IC does. They help you deal with your hurt and anger. You arent going to like this next bit, but, your anger may end up hurting your children more than your wife's actions did.

Wanting to keep my kids away from a child abuser (which they agree with) definitely won't hurt more than the child abuse

Oh goodness. Sorry you’re here. I had a similar situation minus my mom but plus a few of our best friends. I also found out 15 years after. That was 10 years ago. There was no fixing it in my case and a whole bunch of trouble could have been avoided for my family had I realized sooner. I deeply regret my kids going through the pain of all of it. I regret my kids hearing me trashing their mom, even if she did deserve it. I had such a hard time wrapping my head around why I’m supposed to be the bigger person in that case because we were in the same marriage and were equal. I still struggle with the complete unfairness of it all, when a wrong isn’t righted. The last 10 years, I’ve been a very angry, drunk person. My advice is very difficult and a tall order for someone who’s been wronged such as yourself. Apparently I couldn’t do it. I recommend you say nothing about your wife to your kids or anyone else but a councilor, in private. Probably just avoid talking about her at all to prevent temptation of airing out your feelings around them. It won’t serve you anyhow and it certainly won’t serve them. I think some therapy could help. You gotta be able to vent or else that pressure will just build. You have sooooo many layers to sort through after a betrayal that long and I honestly don’t think you know the half of it yet. I don’t know if you have any hobbies or anything but you should. I actually did some really cool new things and I involved my son, since he was still relatively young and a dependent at the time. You’ve been cheated out of what was supposed to be a great time in your life. It’s not going to be fixed and you are not going to get that time back. It doesn’t matter who’s fault it is because no amount of blame will ever fix it nor will it add that 15 years to the other end of your life. You now have the monumental task of realizing and accepting those facts while juggling the pain and hurt and sadness welling up inside you. They are the facts, however and there isn’t enough blame or alcohol to change it. More advice, if you want it, shop around for an individual councilor because they don’t all fit. Best of luck to you.

I just bit the bullet and filed (finally right?) Lol. Since she was being so unhelpful and wants to cause the family more harm by being unwilling to talk about the divorce. The world's oldest profession pays well, eh?

If you feel that D is right for you, then I'm glad you filed.

I must have missed the post where it was established that your WW was a prostitute, which is considered the oldest profession.

Remember that you need to successfully co-parent.

Oh I was just venting, well not really, maybe, kinda...

I must be a waiter...

I so agree with Mac1976. Trashing the wayward spouse in front of the kids could cause long lasting relationship issues for them in the long run.

I've just been honest. I'm not going to lie to them or withhold information from them they would need to know. There's things I haven't told them because it wouldn't help them. They know which side is the right side. They can decide for themselves how to react since they are nearly adults. But I'm still not going to hide from them

[This message edited by 40kSpaceMarine at 6:57 PM, Saturday, June 24th]

I understand your rage. Hell,I raged for a few years after I found out. I wasn't abusive, but I was angry,and he knew it.

I may have missed how old your kids are. But, I assume less than 15 years old.

It's ok to tell them the truth. But it's harmful to share the details. It's ok to give them the basics. But they don't need to know everything.

They don't need to hear you yelling at their mom. They don't need to hear sexual details. They don't need to hear your hatred. If you speak to her,the way you speak about her here,in front of them, you are doing them great damage.

You are weaponizing your children. You know it hurts her to have them angry at her,and you enjoy it.

That pain and anger they're feeling? Is DAMAGING them..more than it is hurting her.

Friend..you have every reason to be livid. But here is a piece of advice you need to hear,if you get nothing else from this site..you need to love your kids more than you hate her. Stop talking to them about it,in anger. Stop.

They know which side is the right side. They can decide for themselves how to react since they are nearly adults.

And, if they don't hate her? If they choose to love and forgive her..then what?

Something else to consider..you talk about how you should have known 15 years ago that she cheated..you're right.

But you also talk about how you wouldn't have stayed. These kids that you're venting to,are part of that 15 years. What they're hearing is that you regret their existence. How could they hear anything else?

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:48 PM, Saturday, June 24th]

They were born before the affair

Ok,then anything in my post about them feeling like you resent their existence. Everything else applies.

You're right

They were born before the affair

Friend, you have a pattern of laser focusing on anything that strengthens your position, bolsters your own point of view, or feeds your anger, and ignoring the fact that many, many people are raising sincere, valid concerns that your level of anger and way of handling this have the potential to be incredibly destructive to you and to your children. Act wisely. You and your children will have to live with the consequences of your poisonous rage.

The Emperor protects, brother.

Beast. Hope Titus is in the second game

You're right

It's actually a really huge step to admit that.

You are so in your right to be angry. She's earned every bit of it. What she did was shitty. She took your agency for 15 fucking years. She lied. Every day,for 15 years. And,on top of it,she conspired WITH YOUR MOTHER, to keep her dirty secrets. The betrayal is astronomical.

But..you don't have the right to involve your kids. You just don't. They deserve to know what's happening to their family, their lives. They deserve the truth. And that's where it ends. They don't deserve to be used by dad to hurt mom. They don't deserve to be told details they should never have to even know. They don't deserve to live in a toxic environment.

Detach. You've filed. Stop talking to her except kids and finances. 180. Stop arguing with her. Yes,it's helping you vent,and sure she deserves it. But Stop for your kids. Stop causing further damage. She did this. There's nothing you can do about that. What you do have control of is yourself, and how you parent your kids,and the environment they live in.

Stop talking to her. If she starts a conversation, leave the room. Tell her you filed, and any other communication, except kids and finances is unwelcome. Stop engaging.

40KSpaceMarine has been banned. This user has a confirmed history of multiple fake profiles, masquerading at different times as a BH and WW.

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