SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree about finding a way to meet up with your grandbaby. McDonalds? A park? I really do understand the worry the baby's mother has about the situation. There are reports everyday about murder-suicide and it's horrible as babies are being taken out too. I hope he never gets that gun back. Ever.

Hopefully your son will come out of prison and be a big help to you - with his brothers and his Dad. It sounds like he is growing up and trying to be responsible. Wherever they send him, search their website about visitation policies, especially for children who would be visiting. I'm glad he has the means to 'see' his child with the calls. That does help.

Hang in there and stay strong with your son who is in crisis right now. The reason I suggested as restraining order is that would give you the opportunity to go before a judge at a hearing and ask ... beg .... for mental health treatment for him. When a judge hears WHY you are asking for a restraining order, there is a chance they might place him somewhere for help.

Good luck and hang in there.

Oh, yes. I will do whatever it takes to see my grand baby. And, yes. I told my son when he gave me the news about her not coming over here anymore for now… I told him that I felt they made the right decision. That I understood completely. It just breaks my heart.

Right now, our house is sort of like a second home for her. My den is FULL of shelves of toys and books and stuffed animals. And I get to see her so often because her mom‘s work at a daycare is about a mile and a half from my house. So whenever the grandbaby gets tired or is bored with the daycare sitting where her mom works, she just ask her mom if she can go see Grandma, and I go get her and we have the afternoon together. Sometimes she stays for supper and gets her bath here and is ready for her mom when she gets here.

It will just have a different face now.

She was going to spend the day with her daddy, my oldest son, yesterday, then go to church with me this morning. But that was cancelled due to the issue with the other son. I texted her mom last night and said if it’s ok with her, and if the baby still wanted to go to church with me, that I would be happy to pick her up. But I haven’t gotten a response.

I’m not good with change. But I’ll settle for whatever ends up happening. What choice do I have? I’m just feeling sorry for myself, because it’s not like I have a terribly long time left on this earth, and I want my grand baby to remember me. Grandmothers can be really important. I feel like I’ve failed my kids, and don’t want to screw this up.

You didn't fail your kids, WR. Their birth mothers failed them ... and it's likely that those birth mothers had their own uphill battles and would rather have done better, too.

My extended family has a similar situation with an adopted child with fetal alcohol syndrome. There are five kids and only one with that challenge, and it shows. No amount of nurture could overcome the physical damage to their brain. Much like your oldest son, we had to make the call that cutting them out was the only option for the safety and sanity of the rest of our family. It's natural to feel guilty, and it's natural to feel angry, too.

None of us are perfect parents, but none of us are magicians or gods, either. You did the best you could.

Whatsright, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is so real.

My aunt and uncle were unable to have children. They applied to be adoptive parents. After quite a while they received a call about taking infant twins. The babies had been found sleeping in a dresser drawer at three days old while the parents were passed out from an alcohol binge. The home was filthy and the babies were dirty and hungry. The mother said she couldn't take care of them and they were signed over voluntarily to the state. My aunt and uncle got them when they were two weeks old. Beautiful babies.

My aunt and uncle are wonderful people, very loving and have a beautiful home in a small town. The 'babies' were fine during grade school but started developing problems in their early teens. They were never mean or destructive children - on the contrary they were quiet and respectful ... but it was like they could not grow up. It's as if their minds stopped developing about that time. They both graduated from high school but have been unable to hold jobs. My aunt and uncle sought every kind of counseling and help for them that they could find. These 'children' are drug and alcohol abusers and now are back home with their mother, my aunt. My uncle has since passed away so my aunt has to deal with the problems alone. They have had numerous car accidents while drinking and driving and my aunt has had to get rid of all vehicles and hide her keys to her own car. They have friends with no boundaries who try to invade my aunt's home and she's older and it's difficult for her to deal with it. One of the twins had two children and my aunt and uncle ended up having to raise those children. These 'adult children' are quiet, never loud, seem to really love their mother but it's like they have no control over their own lives. They spend most of their time at home, in their bedrooms, watching movies. They have no hobbies or outside interests. The so-called 'friends' they have use them for money and take from them. They are both on disability as they simply are not able to hold any type of job. They can't comprehend simple rules and policies. It's a constant job for my aunt to try to protect them, herself and her home. They simply cannot function on their own out in the world. I have tried to help her with issues they have had in legal matters. My aunt worries what will happen to them after she is gone.

You are not alone in your struggles. FAS is real and many people are dealing with it - and trying to save adoptive children from themselves.

Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about this. It is so very frustrating. Because alternative ways to deal with children without these special issues are more known to us. But those things just don’t seem to work with FAS. For all I complain, I’m really quite lucky. My oldest son is 30, and he is doing a great job of finding his way. He’s becoming a very good father and the animosity between him and his daughter’s mother has subsided and they are trying to work together now. I am cautiously optimistic.

My youngest son (incarcerated) seems to be in such a good headspace at this time. I totally get that "everybody loves Jesus in jail " but I do feel that some of the things he saying indicate that he really is getting a different mindset. From my lips to God’s ears, right?

It’s my middle son that I worry the most about. The one who was just recently threatening suicide. The very welcomed but bizarre situation now is that he is acting as though it never occurred. In a great mood. Talking to me off and on about this and that. Just like nothing was wrong. I want to revel in that and enjoy that, but I always fear that something is behind that façade, if that’s what it is. And I just always wait for the next thing to drop.

It’s so funny, I can remember when I got pregnant with my husband and I were first married, I wouldn’t take an aspirin. I watched every bite that I ate was careful about my exercise. In fact, the entire time (about 12 hours) I was miscarrying, I refused to take any over-the-counter medicine that my doctor suggested for pain, because "just in case" I didn’t miscarry, I didn’t want to cause the baby any harm. There’s nothing special about me, so I don’t understand what mindset you would have to be in to not have those concerns.

I just always told my boys that their birth moms certainly didn’t intend to give them less than their best, but that they were in a bad place, and probably not capable of making good decisions at that point.

But this shit certainly does roll downhill, doesn’t it!?!

WhatsRIght,

I don't know much about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but I know a lot about borderline personality disorder and it sure seems to fit your middle son. It is severely under-diagnosed in men. I'd encourage you to look into it. (DBT is a great treatment for it, and the NEABPD has an excellent, free course or family members, thought it does have a long waiting list.)

I also would encourage you to do some work on boundaries. You can't control your son's behavior. but you can tell him, "You may not live in this house if you bring a gun onto my property, in your car or on your person." Then the choice is his. That seems like a better solution than a power struggle over who gets possession of the gun at that moment. It also teaches him that his behavior has consequences, and since you won't always be around to take care of him, that's an important message to get across, at least to the extent he can absorb it.

Finally, you have a son who is an alcoholic, so al-anon might be a good fit for you. I understand that it's not 'just' alcoholism, but may alcoholics carry multiple diagnoses. The program will give you a whole new set of tools, and who can't use more tools?

good luck

I’m sorry that I never updated this thread regarding the gun I found in my sons truck.

When the police came after my call, because of my sons remarks about suicide, I told him about the situation with the gun. I told him about the threat my son made about wanting to have me arrested for "stealing" his gun. After a brief conversation, he asked me if I still had it here, and I said yes. I asked him if he would take it. I took him to where I had it, and he took it with him. He told me that they would keep it at the police station, but that I needed to understand that my son would be able to come and claim it if he had proof of ownership, which he does.

But, I just never told my son that the police had the gun. I know I probably should have, but I simply cannot do it. I guess if he ever asks me about it, that I will have to tell him where it is, and then do exactly as you suggested… Tell him that the gun will not be allowed on my property. And then he will have to choose whether or not he wants to live here.

I will say again that this son has never give me any indication that he would ever hurt anyone. The police and my oldest son who is familiar with guns have told me that it is a gun that is very often used for target practice. But especially considering the state he was in, I simply cannot allow it here. The situation with the suicide threats, or the location of the gun have never been brought up again. He is in a good place at this point, and getting his truck back on the road so he can drive himself to and from work instead of getting a ride from me.

He recently stayed after work for a employee cookout/game fest, because he works for a company that sells all kinds of leisure activity equipment. I went to pick him up at 10 o’clock that night instead of 7 o’clock. He had called earlier that afternoon to ask me if I would mind doing that and I was thrilled that he was staying. Deep in my heart I was concerned that he might be going somewhere with someone and making up the whole Company activity. But when I went to pick him up, he was so full of himself and excited and telling me all kinds of stories about how he beat the big boss in this game and how he didn’t do so well in this other game and blah blah blah. He talked about people that he got to know a little bit better and one girl and he remembered her and her father from church, and they were so nice.

So, when he is in a good place, I try to encourage / support that. When he messes up - like lying to me about his drinking, I let him know he is making poor choices, and then let it go. The distinction has always been made based on illegality. If it’s illegal, you may not do it on my property. And no drinking or smoking in the house. But he purchased the gun legally, so I had to alter the rules a bit about that.

Thanks for your concern and input.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 2:35 PM, Sunday, May 21st]

I just had to add to this thread what happened this morning.

I was taking my son to work, and he asked me if he had explained to me the situation with his "friend". I said yes, that he had told me that his friend was raving mad at him, and that their friendship was "over". he said yes, and that his friend had threatened to come over and get in a fight with my son, as well is break into my house. So he showed me a picture of the person, and told me to look out for him. I’m guessing that might mean that they have had more words recently.

Anyway, I asked him what was the original fight about (4 years ago). He said that it was because his friend was using lots of cocaine again, after promising his pregnant wife, that he would not. And so she, being also, my sons friend, came to him and asked if her husband was back using cocaine. I asked my son what he told her, and he said that he was honest with her and told her "yes", that her husband had been using hard drugs again.

Then I asked if that was what all the fight was over, and he said yes. That his friend was very angry that he had told, his wife about the drug use. I asked my son if he felt bad about telling her. He said absolutely not, that he did what a friend is supposed to do. That he told her to try to help his friend.

WTF!

So, I stated the obvious, and explained to him that he was absolutely right, that he did the right thing, that it was not wrong to tell the truth, or try to do something to help someone that he cared about. And that I hoped that he could remember that whenever he feels like I am not treating him right, when I say, or do something about his drug/alcohol use .

Of course, that slammed the conversation to a halt.

But I did learn one major thing about the situation… It’s not that he doesn’t understand, it is that he doesn’t want to hear it because he’s not ready to do anything about it. And that is absolutely nothing I have control over.