I wasn’t enough then.. how can I be enough now?
You are and were always enough.
I am way further down this journey and I am happily recociled. I am a FBH btw.
In the early weeks and months I tried really hard to make my Ws A about me. It is 100% normal to do this.
By making my Ws choices a reflection of who I was as a husband and father allowed me to feel in control of the future of my M. I was retroactively putting the choice, my W made, to have an A on me . . . I felt I had control, but man, my already low self esteem went into negative territory.
Thus will be easier to take in once you had more time to process . . .You (and rest of us BS's) were collateral damage to a very hurtful and selfish choice that our WS made.
You were always enough, but our spouses are broken people. That being said it was 100% their choices that ended with us discovering that they were unfaithful to us. You know what? It is 100% their responsibility. Anything anyone says to the contrary is lying.
No matter their issue related to the M (real/perceived/manufactured) it does not justify their decision to try and solve their, "issues," by having an A.
It takes time to work through it and IC was very helpful to me during that time.
When get M'd some of us (Me raising my hand) tend to go all in. Nothing wrong with that btw. The part we often miss is that prior to M our future spouse choices reflected on them. Our choices/actions reflect on us. That doesn't change just because we are M'd.
You have so much power in your M right now. You can end it, You can continue, You can try R, etc. Those choices have always been there and will be tomorrow.
I'll say it a third time. You were always enough.
Never forget that.
It does get better if you work towards that goal. IC really does help. If nothing else it helps you organize these scattered thoughts. Sharing my pain wiyh my W was hard at first and IC helped me label my feelings so I could communicate them to my wife.
IC for your H is key too. He needs to determine why he thought this was an acceptable choice (and why it shouldn't be a problem in the future).