SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been over three years since my total DD. I found out most of the truth after over 50 years of marriage. It still hurts; it will always hurt. My husband led a double life for most of our marriage. To others, we would appear the perfect family. I can't talk to him because he can't understand why I am so hurt over something that occurred so many years ago. He remembers details about the other woman and could not remember my favorite perfume two weeks after I told him what it was. He remembers her birthday and her married name; however, he can't remember the one and only time he ever sent me flowers. He said he never should have gotten married as he could never commit to one woman. He told me he was done with running around before we married, but he denies we ever had that conversation. I am stuck because I have nowhere to go. I need him financially and we do enjoy common interests. I have seen how remorseful he is about hurting me, but he can't seem to understand it's not what he said, but what he never said to me. He never once told me that I was the one and only woman he ever loved or wanted to be with. He still says all the other women came on to him and he was not the pursuer. I keep reminding him that it was him who chose to cheat. He never told any other person that he was happily married and loved his wife. He only thought of his own selfish desires at the time. He had unprotected sex with at least three women and gave me HPV back in the 70s which I never realized what caused it until I was over 70. I will never forgive him for that. Sometimes he makes my skin crawl when he touches me. I never cheated; I loved him with all my heart, and I never desired any other man. He always desired other women. Now he says he only wants me. Of course, he does. He is no longer young and virile, so I am all of a sudden enough for him. He will never be enough for me. I told him I don't want my remains anywhere near him when I die or any mention that I was ever married to him. I am so ashamed that I was duped by this deceitful man. I have the IQ of a genius, but I am so stupid to have been blinded by my love for him. He was never deserving of me and our sons. I did my list of pros and cons, and they were about even. He has been a good provider and loving father to our sons. I try to put everything in the back of my mind and live one day at a time. I do have good friends for support, and this website has helped to see that others are sadly going through the same thing.

[This message edited by xcook at 4:05 PM, Saturday, September 20th]

xcook, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. There are a lot of similarities in our situations, and my heart goes out to you.

This is the first holiday season since I found out some big ugly things about my betrayal. I am struggling so much, and just need to vent. The stress of holiday prep is really getting to me and I think it's because I am functioning at a sad baseline. WH is crazy busy with work so most of it is falling to me.

My heart is broken and I just want to curl up under some blankets and hide for a while. I need a big cathartic cry, but there's no time. At this point, I think everyone is just getting gift cards from us. Everyone except the grandkids, I mean. They are the bright spot. They are how I know that there is still joy to be found in my life when I am ready for it.

I am so sorry. I am also three years out from finding out the stuff a decade ago. I’ve been struggling with a lot of disgust lately which feels particularly unkind toward my WH. But wat a weak coward. He gets up in arms about the political climate (I’ll leave out which party). He expresses moral outrage. Morale outrage is not a pretty look on a man who cheated ten years ago and lied as recently as a year and a half ago when exAP called his office. I don’t think he actually knows what integrity is. I feel badly pointing this out to him.

Hello I’m a newbie , this is my first post as I’ve been doing more reading and researching , I’m lost , broken and ashamed to even tell my story, but I’m not even sure where to begin healing.

I have been married 22 years together 24 . He’ 49 , I’m 55 . We have a 21 year old son together and 2 older children from previous marriages . During our 15th year he had an affair that lasted almost 2 years with someone he met online that lived 2 hours away , she was 12 years his junior and a actively into BDSM what they call a sub that enjoyed brutal spanking and being controlled. ( so I found out ) I was unaware of anything about that lifestyle until I researched on my own .
So when I discovered it , he came clean and basically said he was in a dark place and was ashamed of what he’d done and didn’t want to lose his family. ( everything he did was during working hours & through work phone he is in the law field ! ie: meeting up with her at hotels , at peoples house she knew in the area at stores , ect she would drive to him very often , he never footed any bills or rooms . So he was able to hide it for a long time . Although looking back there were many red flags that didn’t stand out in the moments.

After that he rebuilt my trust for him and I felt everything was going good , we had bought a home, lived a normal life I work he works , raising our son , enjoying grandchildren we have

This august I discovered another affair
( emotional affair ) that had been going on for 5 years . I spoke to both women of the 2 affairs , there’s 2 sides to every story and I wanted theirs as well . Both were met online , the first one from Fetlife and the second one on Meet Me

The last one both claim it was a friendship only and was only done while at work as well . The second one lives in the area .

Once I discovered this last one I began more research on my own and ask more questions and he admitted to me that this online infidelity had been occurring for the last 24 years and not only was it just the affair but that there were several hook up onlys and many couples he’d joined .
While I was building the foundation we have in our home and marriage I had no idea my husband was living a double life . I’m confused, hurt and traumatized, my oldest son is a pastor but I have been ashamed to talk to anyone. I spoke with my doctor today at a well visit didn’t go into full detail but she recommended a psychologist not even sure if that is who I need to be seeing . I love my husband and my beliefs and faith has kept me holding our marriage together and I don’t know anything else but him for that last 2 decades .

He claims he doesn’t want to lose his family and that he doesn’t understand himself how he allowed the lifestyle to consume him . He began individual counseling in September, he says it’s helping him but I can’t see where because he was a good man at home , he didn’t change until he left for work. I’m at a loss and don’t know where to begin with any of this just a wreck . Anyone have resources or healthy advice it is welcome and much needed . Thanks