I don't think he truly realizes what this did to me or how long it will take to bring back any kind of normalcy in our life, let alone trust. He keeps talking about it like it isn't a big deal and is actually discussing his feelings about her and why in the long run their relationship wouldn't have lasted.
A person who would betray their committed partner has already justified their actions to themselves while they were carrying on the other relationship, so it isn't surprising that they minimize the impact and destruction of what they've done.
Cheating is, by it's nature, a very selfish/self-focused choice. Cheating requires a lack of empathy in order to do it. So, it's sadly common that cheaters don't "get" the seriousness of what they've done to their partner, their relationship, and even themselves.
The strong infatuation-level of "love" that cheaters experience with their affair partner is called "limerance." (Limerance is actually the name for infatuation-level interest that people feel in most new relationships--not just cheaters.) But the point is, long term committed relationships have a hard time "competing" with limerance because the new cheating relationship is shiny and isn't built in reality. It's full of people seeing only the best in each other and not really acknowledging (or even being aware of) each other's negative issues...and we ALL of negative issues. On top of that, the affair relationship isn't about paying bills or having to compromise on all of life's real issues or squabbles. Instead, it's about "you're SO AMAZING" and "what we feel for each other is SO AMAZING." It's about flirtation and a huge hit of feel-good brain chemicals. That's limerance, and it requires a few things to get over it:
1) No contact with the affair partner--none.
2) Individual counseling
3) Time
4) A dose of reality. He needs to really get what this has done to you. You have to be willing to lose the relationship to save it.
If he believes/knows you won't leave him, then he will continue to see this as not that big of a deal. .
Don't compete for him. You're the prize--the loyal partner.
Strongly consider separating (in house or out of house).
Do a 180. He doesn't want to act married and committed? Don't give him the benefit of a committed partner who does laundry, cooking, or errands for him.
Use this time to get your feet under you to take care of yourself and pursue your own hobbies and interests. Get your own individual counseling. Decide what it would take for him to demonstrate he can be a safe partner to you.
Consider widening your own real-life network of support. You deserve support, and it's okay (and appropriate) for him to experience the reality of what people might think about him if they knew he cheated on you. Protecting him from this impact also allows him to continue to minimize the seriousness of what he's done.
Finally, does the other woman have a spouse or long term partner? Inform the partner if at all possible. The other spouse deserves the truth. It also breaks the affair fantasy world that the cheaters have been living in. It could also give you a potential source of information to verify what your husband has told you.
It sounds like he's only admitted to an emotional affair. It's possible you don't known it all yet. Cheaters lie, and minimize, and "trickle truth" (giving you only a piece of truth at time--usually based on what they think you can prove or what they think will keep them from being in too much trouble with you). Cheaters justify the lying, minimizing, and trickle-truth by telling themselves they are "protecting" you. But they are really still self-focused and protecting themselves.
What you read above is my advice. I support you no matter what decisions you make.
Be kind to yourself, dear lady!
[This message edited by BreakingBad at 11:29 PM, Thursday, December 29th]