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Newest Member: ConstantlyConfused

Just Found Out :
Exit Affair But I'm trying to get to R

Topic is Sleeping.
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veryconfused ( member #56933) posted at 8:34 PM on Saturday, December 31st, 2022

I am hopeful that you are busy with the family visit, and not staying away from this life line of a community.

Almost 7 years ago, I was you. I was willing to see my faults and my portion of the marriage. I was willing to hear how I had failed and what I had missed and what expectations I did not live up to.

I hadn’t been happy enough when our kids were born….

I wasn’t emotionally available…

I didn’t appreciate not just what she did, but her as a person…

I did not respond to her needs…

I was disconnected…


I am very certain you have heard many of those same things. I spent the next two years working on being a better husband, father and spouse. As that work progressed I began to realize that I had not been so shut off.

I had become non-confrontational because she would always make it about her and say it was all her fault. Afterwards she would shut down for a few days.

I did not respond to her needs because she either didn’t know them or wouldn’t want it from me if she had to ask. Why? Because it felt cheap and like I didn’t care if she had to ask.

While she had been running around working on her degrees and certifications, she had been an absentee parent. She resented that the kids would call me to ask permission for something, when she was home. She did not feel connected to the family at all.

As for appreciation, how will you ever feel that when you don’t believe in yourself? Every compliment, every thank you was deemed as contractually required as a spouse.

While you are healing and working on yourself, please take time and review all of your interactions and patterns in the marriage. I bet you will find something very different under the hood.

Lastly, as other posters have stated, she has had more than ample opportunity to choose another direction which involved honesty and principles. You did not force her. Unfortunately taking blame allows us to feel as if we have control, we don’t.

posts: 283   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2017   ·   location: Mid West
id 8771640
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bob7777 ( member #79867) posted at 8:27 PM on Monday, January 2nd, 2023

Hey, sorry that this happened to you. First start being honest with yourself and stop thinking that you and your situation is different. Right now you're behaving like the classic betrayed, taking the blame on yourself, if you did this and that it would change the outcome. Acknowledge that your relationship is over. Stop dreaming, start getting your life in order.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2022
id 8771791
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 9:42 PM on Monday, January 2nd, 2023

Some people can only feel good about themselves when they put others down. It sounds as though that was a large part of your relationship.

How sad an adult is unable to get past their own insecurities and continues to belittle their spouse,as though they are entitled to do so.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14183   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8771800
Topic is Sleeping.
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