SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know the best way to post or even how to articulate all the fog that is my brain.

I guess to start, I (BS/28M) have been with my partner (WS/30F) for 5 years and at the beginning of August she disclosed to me that something happened with someone else. That it happened at a work event out of town, and what I know is that the emotional boundaries were being crossed since December, and the physical affair started in February. As far as I know, it ended at the end of March.. but I haven't dug that far yet to know for sure. I do remember she started therapy around then, but she told me it was to help with her anxiety.

Looking back I could tell something was off, her whole mood took a 180 after that work trip. She would constantly tell me I deserved better and that I would be better off a bachelor. That she didn't know how I even put up with her. She was being more and more distant and it was all out of left field. I vaguely remember trying to talk about it, but she usually shut it down and said she didn't want to and that she was working on it in therapy.

I have been constantly analyzing our relationship over the last five years and trying to figure out why I just didn't dig deeper to help.. but that is where this comes in.. I lost my dad just over a year ago and after she hit me with that eye-opener I realized I have been on autopilot ever since he passed. This past year is a blur. I guess I didn't have the emotional capacity to see the signs or even bring them up. And sadly, I feel like I can honestly say there was part of me that just didn't want to talk about anything.

She has been very apologetic, expressed her intense guilt and shame, told me that none of this is my fault, and has said she will do whatever it takes to get through this together. She quit her job the day after she disclosed the affair and has said she is NC with the AP. My thoughts about the whole affair are different by the hour. It is hard to believe her, and some hours I panic and feel like I don't even know who she is and that my life is a lie.

We started couples therapy last month after a brief time apart, and it has helped me learn to process what is going on. I also started some individual therapy to start digging into the internalized grief I have been holding onto and repressing from losing my father.

I don't know where I am going with this, and it all sounded more coherent in my head until I started typing. I think some shock is still helping me in my composure day to day. I was very close with my dad, so I don't know who else to talk to. I don't want to tell all my friends and family about this because I do want to work this out with her and really don't want everyone we know to have their own opinions about us whenever we get together.. But I lost my best friend and was betrayed by the other...

If you made it this far I appreciate your time, and thank you.

EC, sorry you had to find this place.

As far as I know, it ended at the end of March.. but I haven't dug that far yet to know for sure.

Have her write out a timeline of the affair starting with her first contact with her AP. It should also cover any other inappropriate behavior since you’ve been a couple. Tell her it will be verified by polygraph. Follow through.

Has she offered transparency with all her electronics and social media? Does she have any friends who knew about her affair and didn’t counsel her against it, or worse supported her cheating? If so they’ll have to go. They’re not friends of the marriage. Does she have friends that she shares with her AP?

Weekends are a little slow around here, but others will be along soon with more advice.

What makes people cheat? I still don’t know.

I’m sorry for you. I hope you can come to grips with Losing your dad who sounds like a wonderfulPerson. Count your blessings for having such a great dad.

Please do not accept that b/c you were in a fog or depressed or whatever that you should accept that as an excuse to cheat.

The cheater has other options. Like talking to you. Being honest. Trying to help you. Giving YOU support or comfort.

Not cheating. Not lying. Not looking for attention from some other guy. Nope. Just not valid.

And if you meet a couples counselor who validated her "reason" to cheat was b/c you were depressed, please find a new couples counselor.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:04 PM, Tuesday, October 11th]

I am sorry you are going through this mess but it is paramount that you allow a clear head and reason to dominate whatever you decide. From your post, I will assume that you are not married and that their are no children. Clearly, that makes it much easier for you to cut ties and move on. First of all, for any further discussion regarding reconciliation to continue the AP's significant other must be notified of the affair if such a person exists. I am a firm believer that cheaters must suffer for their acts of betrayal and the betrayed partners must be made aware of all the facts in order to have agency in how they wish to move forward with their lives.

Not sure what you expect from MC. The problem is your WG and her choices. At a time when you needed her support the most, she decided to go cheat. How is MC supposed to deal with that? All MC will do is cloud your resolve and potentially help everyone rug sweep her behavior. That is what happened to me and I paid dearly for allowing that person to guilt me into staying with my ex-WW.

Exactly why did your WG's affair end? You need a detailed explanation backed up by a polygraph. Did the AP dump her? Did your WG want more than just a fling and the AP said no? Basically, are you plan B? Look at her past correspondence between the two of them. Take her devices to a tech who might be able to retrieve deleted messages, if possible. She had an affair and I am sure she "fell in love" with the AP. Again, find out whether you are only plan B. If you are, dump her now and don't look back. That is my advice.

Also, you need to confide in a trusted friend. I would confide in your family. These people know your situation much better than any of us or a therapist for that matter. You need their help to move forward with your choices. They unconditionally care for your well being.

Has your WG cheated on you before? Has she ever cheated in other past relationships? This second point is very telling as to how damaged a person you have on your hands. Yes, she is damaged and you risk your future with this person if you decide to stay. You are young and the future possibilities without her are substantial. Do not hook your future to someone who has already severely double-crossed you without a damn good reason. Actually, there is no damn good reason. Whatever you do, delay any commitment to reconcile until sufficient time has passed and enough information has come to light to give you enough information as to what you will be signing up for if you stay.

[This message edited by src9043 at 11:41 PM, Saturday, October 8th]

Has she offered transparency with all her electronics and social media? Does she have any friends who knew about her affair and didn’t counsel her against it, or worse supported her cheating?

asc1226 , She gave me access to her phone but has since deleted all chats and blocked the AP on social sites. As far as friends go, her coworkers may have known, but she isn't in contact with them anymore. Her closest friend in town, who she stayed with while we took some time apart, was disappointed and hurt too. WS said it was tense staying with her and ended up hopping to another friends pad that was not aware of her infidelity. I visited this other friends pad too twice to confirm and help reassure me that I wasn't being lied to.

I’m sorry for you. I hope you can come to grips with Lodi g your dad who sounds like a wonderful
Person. Count your blessings for having such a great dad.

The1stWife, Thank you, he was one of a kind. I hope to be half the man he was.

Please do not accept that b/c you were in a fog or depressed or whatever that you should accept that as an excuse to cheat.

Sorry, I was stating that as a thought I have been having. WS has made it clear to me that nothing I did led her to stray. I am just processing and tend to create situations I can fix, because I can't fix her, but I can fix me.

And if you meet a couples counselor who validated her "reason" to cheat was b/c you were depressed, please find a new couples counselor.

The couples councilor we are seeing has told WS that if she wants to move foreword she will need to be 100% accountable. WS has shown that she is taking that path. Again though, it is so early on that I feel I am still coasting on shock and some days I doubt her others I believe her...

I am just processing and tend to create situations I can fix, because I can't fix her, but I can fix me.

Ah, a most common pitfall of betrayed spouses. I’m impressed that you’re self aware of this so early on in your journey.

If only it was that easy. Just fix ourselves and everything will be alright.

Yes, we’ve ALL done this to certain degrees especially right after D-Day. We BSs tend to do this early on after D-Day in a desperate, frantic attempt to control the outcome, an outcome we actually have little control over. We want, so badly, for things to return to normal, for the nightmare to end, that we are susceptible of the following:

-Rug Sweeping and Minimizing

-Assumption of blame and responsibility

-Over coaching our WSs

-Manipulating our WSs

-Controlling our WSs

-Being a Helicopter Spouse

And this is all compounded by the fact that the WS wants exactly the same thing. They too want the nightmare to end, to return to normal as quickly as possible. They too want to shift blame unto the BS, they too want to minimize and rug sweep.

The WS and BS become co-conspirators in a cover-up, the epic rug sweep.

But, the body keeps the score. Deep down, instinctively, your subconscious knows that you’re rug sweeping. Your body, mentally and physically, begins to reject this course of action. Your body knows that something is catastrophically wrong and it will not except this. After the denial phase and the hysterical bonding and love bombing wears off, you spend long nights staring at the ceiling wondering WTF just happened, what it all means, who is this person laying next to me, and what am I doing? You have this foreshadowing of unfinished business, loose ends and further plot development.

Reconciliation requires your WS to truly love you, possess empathy and be remorseful.

A truly remorseful WS, once they get up to speed and educate themselves, requires only a bit of guidance from you in the form of feedback and communication of needs. A truly remorseful WS is proactive, takes the initiative and is the guidon of THEIR reconciliation crusade.

You don’t decide to reconcile, they do, and you agree to it, or not.

You can’t hold their hand, you can’t lead them by the nose and, you don’t want to.

You can fix all your flaws, hit the gym, get ripped, cook Epicurious, be a OMGYES premium subscription lover and still, until SHE fixes HER shit, not be out of infidelity.

The only thing you have control over, is you. So, control yourself on over towards wellness, dignity and security and see if she tries to follow.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:58 AM, Tuesday, October 11th]

Has she provided a timeline for the A? Further, if you could would restore her chat history?

Is the OM married? Does he live close enough she could still be in contact?

What has the MC asked from your W to help you heal?

You need have STD tests done both you and your WW, its best to find out if the POSOM is in any type of a relationship, if he is contact his BS and let her know what her hubbies been up to. You're WW needs IC to determine what caused her to have an affair in the first place. Sending strength and my condolences on the loss of your father. I too know the pain you were and still are going through

does WW still work with the OM?
work at the same company as the OM?

The couples councilor we are seeing has told WS that if she wants to move foreword she will need to be 100% accountable.

That's great, but you are at no obligation whatsoever to move forward with her. Have you really sat with that? Have you spent time considering the other path? I'm not advocating either way but there really is this kneejerk reaction when we're betrayed to "fix it". The status quo has never been more appealing and we've never loved our WS more than when faced with the impending demise of the relationship. But you DO have a choice, and later on down the pike, it's going to be really important to your healing that you take complete ownership of the choice you made.

Of course, you can (and should) take whatever time you need to decide what's best for you. It takes TIME and observation to figure out if our WS is even a worthy candidate and if your WS can't wait, that tells you she'd have never made the long haul. It's so uncomfortable to be riding that fence though, and honestly, it feels like you're there forever sometimes. But it's important. We have people coming here ten, twenty, even fifty years after the betrayal who are still harboring grievances and convinced that their WS is still hiding something. You avoid that by taking your time now and making absolutely sure that you're where you want to be. You have a CHOICE. Don't give in to feeling rushed like you have to seal the deal before it gets away. If she's right for you, she's not going anywhere.

Strength to you as you process.

Marriage or couples counseling seems premature at this point. Why are you doing this? You both need personal counseling.