I've decided to file for divorce, which in my state requires a year long separation due to the kids. I've told her that, and she's maintaining that over the course of this year I'll see the work she puts in to save our marriage. I hold out hope that's true, but the last thing I want is to not file and have a year of separation in front of me if something goes awry again or if there's just no work being done at all. I'm going to start the clock, and if by the Grace of God I see some sincere change, then I can stop the process at the end. We'll see how that goes.
This is a great first step. One thing that I strongly advise you is that, while you're in "wait-and-see mode," you do not have sex with her. The first reason is that you don't know who she's sleeping with or has slept with, and not all STDs can show up immediately. You should get tested now (if you haven't already) and then again in 6 months.
The second reason you want to hold off is that you don't want your judgement clouded by "hysterical bonding," which is super common in the early stages follow Dday. If you're not familiar with the term, it's a period of hyper-closeness and tons of sex, which tends to happen when the BS is trying to reclaim and reconnect with their WS. Hysterical bonding can provide the illusion of rekindled love and intimacy, and it's usually fleeting.
Also, WSs--particularly women-- tend to use sex as a means of placating their spouse in lieu of doing the work. Considering what you've told us about your wife's personality and behavior, as well as her desperate need for sexual validation, she totally seems like the type who would give you tons of sex and expect everything to be fine afterward.
One of the requirements that was suggested here, that I think is incredible advice, is to have her inform the AP's wife. Confused, you're not very confused on that one. That's great. That is a condition that needs to happen very soon, in addition to a lot of others that I'm still mulling in my mind.
There are 2 possible outcomes to this. The first and most likely outcome is that AP will drop your wife like a hot potato and go into damage control to save his marriage, in which case you won't have to worry about him sniffing around you wife (at least in the short-term). The second and less likely outcome is that his wife divorces him or he decides it's too much trouble to work it out with her, and tries to run off with your wife. I don't necessarily think the second outcome is a bad thing. Sometimes it's best to let the trash take itself out.
Just make sure you're prepared for either possibility.
Also, what does anyone make of her trying to get caught in the affair to start with? She maintains that for a month and half she was very sincere and all in on us. I am CERTAIN that she intended to get caught and end it with her AP. She left an unprotected, unlocked phone out with a file on it that had the paramour's name and all their text messages. She says that he reached out a month and half into "reconciliation" and that she just faltered.
First, I wouldn't take it at face value that she was out of contact or didn't initiate contact with him, unless you have hard proof.
Second, I don't believe that your wife was trying to get caught, even subconsciously. I think that she was simply being careless and indiscreet because she's a reckless and foolish person driven completely by base impulses.
On the slim chance that she actually deliberately left her phone out, I don't think she did it because she wanted to end her affair; she did it because she wanted to end your marriage. I believe this because each time she was presented with an opportunity to choose between you and AP, she chose him.
She was lonely, had given up almost all of her friends over the two and a half years with him, and all she had was me and I was ready to leave and threatening to leave regularly. I was raging and going through the ocean of emotion that I'm sure so many here have been through and can relate to. And she gave in.
Boo hoo. She's blaming your justified anger and trauma for her piss-poor choices. Her sadness and loneliness were her own doing. If she was committed to reconciling with you, she would've weathered the storm. She would've focused on on fighting tooth and nail to keep her marriage.
And on a final note, her relationship with you isn't the only thing she's severely damaged. She's clearly been an emotionally and mentally absent mother. There's no way that a woman who juggling multiple paramours is fully engaged in her children's lives. She was sexting a guy at sporting events and chatting with her AP while in your daughters' presence. When she's not out sleeping around, she probably has her head buried into her phone.
If she was lonely, instead of calling her AP, she could've spent more time talking with and emotionally engaging with her daughters, and doing everything she could to repair her relationship with them. Instead, she chose AP over them... again.
I'm not telling you these things to hurt and antagonize you, but to prevent you from getting sucked into your wife's bottomless well of self pity. The only women in your life at the moment who are victims in need of your love, compassion, and emotional support are your daughters.
[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:29 PM, Wednesday, October 12th]