SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am new here. I just found out 2 months ago on July 2nd, 2022 that my wife of 11 years (we have been together 21 years) had 2 different physical affairs. The first was 8 years ago, the other was 6 years ago. More recently it has been (according to her) online messaging and flirting only.

I am not blameless by any means, I have been addicted to pornography since I was a teenager, and hid it our for our entire realtionship. I confessed about 4 years ago voluntarily upon giving my life to Jesus, and I got into a recovery group, also voluntarily. Going to my recovery group made her extremely uncomfortable, which makes sense now; to the point I quit the group for her. I have also physically abused her in the past, and downplayed and minimized its affect on her until very recently.

What happened:

We had been arguing much more than usual in the last 6 months, and after one particularly nasty comment that she made, I finally gave up. She has been threatening to divorce me for years and I keep fighting harder and harder to maintain our relationship. Well I started crying, really crying those heaving, chest-convulsing type sobs. She walked back in the room about 2 minutes later and asked if I would cosign a loan for a new SUV for her after the divorce. I was floored. I started to look into NPD.

It took so much shit and so many years to wake me up that it makes me feel pathetic. After reading about NPD, I knew in my gut she had been unfaithful.

The first A was a coworker she said made her feel wanted because I was ignoring her while I was in school, and it was only a couple times then she left the job and him. This was 8 years ago. We had been married for 2.5 years at that point.

Second A was a doctor that was in his late sixties, she was 38 at the time. She said it was mostly just oral with him, except one time they fucked. She proudly told me that she got over $4,000 worth of face injections and face peels from him, along with rides on his motorcycle! Then she almost got caught and he wanted to take her on vacations and get serious, so she broke it off. I was in such shock I kinda don't remember the next few days. I wasn't able to eat for days and I couldn't get out of bed but I couldn't sleep, either. This was insane. She whored herself out to this old doctor for face treatments??

After that she stopped taking care of herself and stopped working and has been chronically depressed for years. I literally shaved her legs and armpits for her and applied a toe fungus cream that she just would not do. I have dedicated my life to making up for what I thought was my massive betrayal, after my own confession, and susequesnt rigorous honesty. And all the while she was never going to confess this to me. She has never even cared about the porn either, and only uses it to manipulate me. For a while she even wanted to watch together.

So with all the revelations recently we both made IC appointments and got really honest and both of us probably have Personality Disorders. It seems I have Dependant Personality Disorder. She "most likely" has Borderline Personality Disorder (she just told me recently she was actually diagnosed with BPD over 10 years ago, just never mentioned it to me or her current IC.....).

I am honestly so shocked by this. I was in denial, and my disorder made me blind to reality. I have been working on changing my broken thinking of uselessness and disengaging myself as much as possible, but I want her attention and I want her to CARE! I know that is impossible now though. And as I distance myself a bit more each day, I see more clearly that she is extremely broken and it makes me sad that she can't admit it to get the help she needs. She blames me for all of her choices and only sees herself as a victim.

No expectations, just sharing my story. Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by SadMad at 3:38 AM, Sunday, September 4th]

You have been heard! I’m glad to hear that you have gotten yourself into IC. Also, it doesn’t matter how long ago or what was going on back then. This is new information to you which has suddenly shifted the entire world under you. At this point, just work on you and don’t worry about different disorders she may have.

Weekends can be slow, others will be along with some really good advice if you wish it.

[This message edited by veryconfused at 1:48 AM, Sunday, September 4th]

You might want to to read Cheating in a Nutshell and The Body Keeps the Score. It will help explain the effects trauma is having on you. Also check out the healing library here.

She "most likely" has Borderline Personality Disorder (she just told me recently she was actually diagnosed with BPD over 10 years ago

Hi OP. I have been reading infidelity stories on forums like SI for years, and have followed a number of threads where the cheating wife was diagnosed with BPD.

None of those marriages reconciled.

If you haven't done so already, join a discussion group of spouses of BPDer's and/or read other histories of men who have been married to a BPD woman.

I think you'll find the experience ranges from very difficult to crazy town. I think you're in for a tough road if you reconcile.

If you hit her there is no excuse. BUT if she has been gaslighting you then there is a real possibility it drove you a little crazy. BUT your IC needs to give you skills to learn to say NO.
I think now is the time to move on. And please read the two books recommended.

Wow this has been a toxic marriage for so long.

Professional help is required for both of you.

Thanks for the responses and suggestions. I am reading as many books as possible to try to process this.

I did not understand the extent of borderline personality disorder until the comment above, so thank you but also wow that is really sad. I have been assuming that all of our problems were because of me (she tells me almost daily a list of every single thing I have ever done wrong).

We first dated for about 6 months when I was 19 or 20, I broke up with her. Then my dad passed away from cancer a month later. He was the one that I was "dependant" on in my DPD (I just thought I was a great son). I went back to her after his death and even asked her to move in together right away. I was miserable from the beginning but never knew it was the relationship. I thought I was grieving... it was both.

I was never violent until about 3 years into our relationship. I do not actually remember, but she said that I grabbed her arms so hard and rough that she bruised, she is on blood thinners and bruises super easily, but I know I was very mad with her. She showed everyone in both our families and our mutual friends her bruises and from then on she would use it to justify every horrible thing she did to me.

She has said multiple times since DDay that she completely gave up after that. That was 18 years ago, before we even considered getting married...... I asked why she stayed then and she couldn't answer. The answer is my family money. I shared it all with her and gave her complete freedom and she constantly took advantage. She used my SS# to rack up ridiculous amounts of debt, unbeknownst to me, on top of spending all my inheritance after my dad passed. I gave it gladly because I thought it was a normal relationship and I was determined to make it work.

About a year and a half ago I had a bit of a mental breakdown and kept repeating over and over to her that she should kill me. She called the police and I ended up in a 72-hour Involuntary Psych Hold. Blessing in disguise? I needed help! I have been on meds now and IC and it has helped me to see and think a little more clearly. I also learned I am not safe with her.

We have no children, thank the Lord. I had hoped to give R a chance but I am losing that hope daily. I recently just started sleeping in another room, that has been tough for me because I want her attention and affection, I feel so pathetic. She told me yesterday that she did it with the biker/doctor because she needed a real man, so I cried. Very toxic relationship.

Sad, please get to a therapist who is very experienced in EMDR. It brings up all the memories of your childhood, sometimes as far back as infancy. Something made you so scared and afraid of being abandoned that you have clung to probably one of the most toxic people I’ve read about. You have way too much life ahead of you to continue to put up with this. Please let go of her and move on.