SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by RustyPuff at 9:30 AM, Saturday, September 17th]

Sorry you are here, but you will receive good support. Please read in the healing library.

You do realize that there is no justification or rationalization for betraying your wedding vows. On your wedding day, did your WW vow only to be faithful, if she did not feel disconnected or ignored or unloved? Did she vow to be faithful only if you sexted her regularly? Can you see how absurd this is? Blameshifting is a common tactic when a cheater is caught. It’s the natural impulse to justify what they know is clearly wrong and immoral. “It’s not my fault. You made me do it.” The truth is nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused your WW to begin her EA. She did it because she wanted to do it.

Accept no blame. In order for her to try and rebuild trust in your M, she has to address her brokenness that allowed her to be unfaithful. She has a lot of work to do.

Always value yourself. You deserve a partner who is honest and transparent. Decide what you need to continue in the M and be firm. Your M did not fail, your WW failed you. You can ask for a detailed written timeline of her A, or for her to take a poly. Do not be bullied or manipulated, or allow her to deflect you from the core issue of her infidelity. If she refuses to do what you require, you have your answer of how she values your M.

You could see an attorney to learn your rights. Is her AP living nearby? Could the A have been a PA? Has she totally cut contact with her AP? If you believe there is a chance of a PA, you should get tested for STDs.

You will get through this. Take care of you. You are in control. Do not accept any blame for her hurtful choices. She had other legitimate options rather than betrayal and infidelity. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 6:48 PM, August 30th (Tuesday)]

Fareast nails it. You need to know the truth about what your WW has been up to before you can consider reconciliation. Time to get angry and tough. Tell her point blank that the marriage is at stake and if she doesn't wise up you will file. Mean it. If she gives you a snarky answer, go see a lawyer and assess your rights and liabilities under a divorce. Do not accept any blame shifting and tell her point blank that there is no excuse for what she did. Don't argue the point.

She must sit for a polygraph. She has proven herself to be untrustworthy and a liar. You need to know the extent of her sexting, whether there have been other men and if she met up and had relations with any of them. Tell her point blank that without a polygraph you will assume the worst. Don't back off. Tell her you will schedule the polygraph and will give her little notice as to when it will take place. Tell her that if there are facts that she is hiding, she better reveal them now or suffer the consequences.

Do not rug sweep this episode. If she is sufficiently contrite, passes the polygraph and wishes to save the marriage she must enter counseling with a therapist versed in infidelity. Her ridiculous excuse that you didn't properly sext her should have your blood boiling. I cannot express to you how important it is that you place the fear of god in her. If she doesn't respond at least you have your answer that she doesn't give a squat about you or the marriage.

Let me just say that I was married to a serial cheater. I was way too passive in dealing with her. What your wife did is totally inexcusable and extremely serious. Unless she has an epiphany and dedicates herself to counseling with the proper therapist, she will cheat on you again and again and again. Something is truly off with her. Better to face the music now than later on. It only gets worse.

[This message edited by src9043 at 2:06 AM, Wednesday, August 31st]

Absolutely agree with prior posts.
If she is angry with questions there is more you do not know.
Demand she gets STD testing. Her reaction will tell you a lot. If this was strictly emotional then she should hop at the chance to prove her innocence. If she gets defensive acts appalled then know there is more.
Follow through on this and you as well should have testing. Cheaters lie. A lot!
Protect yourself.

Agree with the poly proposition too. This will also tell you a lot. Schedule it then tell her its scheduled. Carry through even if/when she confesses more.

See an attorney know your rights and her obligations and what your options are.

If the AP has a spouse/partner then figure out how to let them know. Nothing kills an A quicker than dragging it out into the daylight and making all effected people aware.
Do not tell your spouse you are doing this or seeing an attorney. I know it feels wrong and off but remember what she has done to you. Its time to protect yourself.

she claimed I was not sexting her when she wanted me too and even though I tried I felt I was never really that good at it, I lacked confidence, I probably didn't try hard enough to give her that and I blame myself there

Come on now.
I am sure your wife does give you head with enthusiasm enough. Does that mean you should go look for someone who will? Would it be your wife's fault you went and started seeing prostitutes because she wasn't good enough. You know the answers to these stupid questions. Hell, use this as a way to poke holes in her excuses and bring all her excuses here, we will help you see that she is just lying.
As far as the videos and pics. Yeah, she sent them. She lied until you had irrefutable proof right? Why would she be honest about how far it went. She will disclose just enough. Then when she thinks she may get caught or needs to say something to eleviate guilt, she will trickle some more of that truth about what really happened.
The approach I took with my wife is that she was guilt unless she could prove innocent. Once you lie, lie, lie some more, swear on the lives of parents and children, then get caught lying again, you're guilty until proven innocent. That is like a seal thinking a shark won't eat it this time even though that shark ate the seal's whole family. You have to trust what you see and not what you are told.
If you really want the truth, you ask her to write out what happened. Then you schedule a polygraph and tell her question one is going to be if anything more happened with another guy during your marriage then she wrote down. You need to be ready to pull this trigger though. It will be the best around $200 you ever spent. You will lose more than that not sleeping at night with this pain.
Secondly, if she gets angry and defensive, you need to figure out how to get space and do the 360. Look it up in the library. It will force her to chase after you because you will withhold what she wants, attention. The affair was about attention and your marriage is about attention. She forgot you giving it is as important as her giving it. Also, shut down all sex. Go to self care for at least a month. Then she will really get scared. I bet you are doing something stupid a lot of us did. We started having sex, working harder, paying more attention, trying to love our wives back over this other guy. The problem is, she will get hooked on the loving and think she never has to try on her end. She may try a little, but that will stop because she had 2 guys after her and her main guy just swallowed the pain without a word because she is so awesome. You are the awesome one if you stick around. She doesn't deserve you. She should be begging you to take her back. Promising anything to make this better. If she isn't there, then you aren't going to fix this by nicing her into realizing you are serious and you demand she respect and love you or you will leave for someone who will.
Good luck and stop letting her run this recovery and marriage. She has already shown her bad decision making skills.

[This message edited by RustyPuff at 9:30 AM, Saturday, September 17th]

my question is how can I trust her when she says they were never for AP

We see that line all the time from cheating wives. The pics and vids are always for the other man.

Sorry you're here, but I will ask you to Google sunk cost fallacy. My XWH cheated after 30+ years of marriage and I chose D (divorce). I

Expect healing to take 2-5 years, so 2 months is just a beginning. It's ok to be all over the place.

Take care of yourself and post as you need. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Keep posting, share your plan to receive feedback on it.

And of course she was sharing or at the very least planning to share the photos with AP. Who takes sexy photos of themselves for themselves? And who hides their photos behind a secret app unless they are doing something wrong?

Two ridiculous things:
One, when did sexting become a requirement for a happy marriage? Do not do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
Two, whomever got those videos and pictures can now show then to anybody. Fun, huh?

Your wife is trying to get a rise out of you. She wants drama. She wants fun. She wants to walk on the wild side. Tell her you will help her pack for this thrill a minute she is going on. I hope you realize I was kidding.

17 years is worth working on

That is your POV. Now, the question is, does your WW think the same?

Edit: typo

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 5:06 AM, Thursday, September 1st]

FWIW, I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary.

Look into sunk cost fallacy.

You cannot trust her words. That’s where you are right now.

Cheaters will lie to protect themselves. And my gut says no one takes pictures of themself like the ones your wife took for no reason.

You don’t have to believe her. You don’t have to accept her "story".

She’s blaming you for cheating and that’s just another typical cheater move as well.

"Cheaters lie, a lot".....