He’s remarried. I knew it was likely only a matter of time and I wondered how I would feel when it happened - and especially given that I haven’t been on the first date, have no interest in that.
I think I feel nothing…though my brain still seems to be struggling with it and I don’t quite understand that. I’ve asked myself all kinds of internal questions - what if he did this? What if he did that? I keep coming back to the same thing…there’s no heartbeat there.
And somehow that feels…strange. Not a bad strange…and I don’t really know why I’m posting - other than to try to figure out why my heart has seemingly resolved it but my brain is still trying to put pieces together. Not just all the past…but also my current (lack of) response.
Idk…maybe I got to "meh" without seeing the road signs along the way so that just leaves me questioning if I’m really in Mehville. Maybe I expected my arrival to be more glorious - red carpet and the key to the city. Or maybe this is what Mehville is - where you really just don’t give a shit…and perhaps not giving a shit is just simply, well, boring. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just processing that he really is exactly what I learned he is because he did exactly what I expected him to do (in SO many ways!). Maybe I’ve been validated in my perceptions…and since it’s seems to no longer be speculation, I now have to actually process that the picture is really a true and accurate depiction.
I have one last logistical piece to get in place before I can completely cut him out of my life. (It’s what led to this discovery.). I wonder if that’s the hanging chad in my brain…if cutting him out completely (even when just that tiny sliver is all that remains) will be what finally frees my brain to really empty that trash bin. You know, the place you move your computer files to but leave hanging out in there until you finally have the conviction to be sure - yes, I really do want to permanently delete all of this stuff.
And then I wonder too - have I not really moved on? Do I really have no interest in dating….or am I really just too wounded, too much in self-protection, to do that? Does this stick with me because it makes me feel he has moved on and I haven’t?
I’ve examined that so much and I just don’t think that’s the issue. I just have no interest in dating…and I absolutely have great reserve about sharing my time, space, and everything else in my life. I like where I’ve landed; my life is calm, content, and entirely my choice with little consideration for someone else’s needs or wants. I’m enjoying this freedom immensely and sincerely. I’m sure if my person showed up one day I could make the concessions and also enjoy that immensely too. I’m just not interested in kissing even one frog to get there…not sure I would even do it if I knew, with certainty, kissing that one frog would ultimately get me there. So in that regard, I’m questioning if this thing I’ve longed for and worked toward so many years is even something I actually EVER really wanted - and especially now that *I* have become my person, if that makes sense.
I’d just like for my brain to quit kicking in the door, graffiting the walls, and leaving me a mess to clean up. I just wish it would let ALL of it go…poof. I’ve had moments where that has happened - one was an unexpected text and I was literally trying to figure out who was this (ex’s name) that was texting me. And once I realized it was him, I didn’t read the text and literally forgot about it for the rest of the day. So when it pops up this is something that genuinely takes me by surprise - and that pisses me off that it still has the ability to do that.
I don’t know my point or what I’m needing. I guess maybe to know if anybody else still struggles with aspects of this and any tips to overcome it. Geesh, for so long it seemed my heart was the enabler and my brain the stronger one. I really didn’t know what to do with this dynamic now!