Hello out there! It's been awhile since I've visited. This place and all of you were absolute life savers when I was going through DDay, limbo and ultimately divorce. I never thought I could make it through and while in the process, I thought it would literally never end. Never thought I would feel better ever again. Now, I'm happily divorced for almost 3 years and all financial issues were resolved about a year ago. Those finalizations brought me more peace than I ever could have imagined.
I spent a lot of time in therapy and I worked really hard on myself. I figured out FOO issues, came to understand my emotional nature so much better and was generally really proud of how far I had come.
So....what's the problem, right??? Okayyyyyy. Going along with my new life. Feeling good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it, people liked me! Then, I met this guy. We'll call him Succubus. Totally my fault. I picked him out of a crowd, made a comment to a friend, and she commenced getting his number for me. Very lame, kinda felt like a high school kid but whatever, things happen sometimes. Sparing you 100 pages of my crappy prose, blah blah blah, you guys know the drill, back and forth, he's in, he's out, a SHIT TON of red flags, therapy? forgot all skills - oh look! a circus has red flags! I love the circus! throw some gasoline and matches in a bag, shake it all up, and here we are....been dating for a little over a year
Succubus is a giant, walking, talking, red flag. He is the poster child for everything 'Not Just Friends' says NOT to do. Interestingly enough, he was the BS in his marriage however, he pursued exactly ZERO therapy and it's very obvious. I find myself creating mental lists of all the things about him that are terrible, horrible, ridiculous, insensitive, hurtful, disrespectful....ok, you get the picture. Obviously he also has some redeeming qualities; I'm not a complete masochist! However, WTF am I doing??? I could go on and on about all the reasons he's screwed up but at the end of the day, it's me! I'm the screwed up one. Why on earth am I choosing to put up with such atrocious behavior and treatment?? He literally sucks all the life and energy from me. I give him everything. I do anything for him. I deserve SOOO much more but here I am settling for Succubus.
I "graduated" from therapy about 2 years ago but reached back out to my IC. We have an appointment for next week to get back to work as I clearly need a tune up. In the meantime though, please help. Mostly just WHY??? What is wrong with me?? Will I ever be normal??? It's like I'm reading directions that say turn left and then I turn right but wonder why I don't reach my destination. Not sure if I'm more frustrated with him for sucking or myself for being an idiot!