Yes, you need to be enforcing boundaries correctly and properly. This is going to be touchy because you have an on-going divorce. Some comments:
She's moved out about a week before then, the home is not owned by either of us, it's my parents old house and they still own it. I have an attorney already.
If she voluntarily moved out and it is not her property, then I am guessing that you can refuse to allow her into your house. I would consult your attorney about this, though, because keeping an ex-spouse out of her home and away from her kids will not look good for you.
There's no written agreement on the custody at the moment and I don't feel i'm using the kids as pawns, i've told her numerous times she's free to call/skype the kids any time she wants, she hasn't the entire she's been gone. She asked several times about coming to the house to spend time with the kids, and I don't have an issue aside from the come to the house part.
I would encourage you to establish a parenting time schedule for your kids. Can the kids stay with her where she is living?
Something to remember... as awful as you feel right now, your kids are probably feeling worse. You must take care of them and their emotional needs. Their entire life view is of mom and dad... which is breaking up right now. It gets even worse if they see mom or dad with another romantic partner (so don't do that!).
That said, I would consult your attorney, but I don't see why you should be forced to have her into your home to spend time with your (collective your) kids. She can take them elsewhere for her parenting time.
She's left multiple things at the house that she wants me to take care of, watering/tending to her plants, taking care of her fish, making sure her bird feeders are full.
Here is a good topic of focusing on your boundaries. If you do not want to voluntarily take on these responsibilities, then she needs to take them out of the house... or you can just get rid of them (although that might seem cruel).
I work full time in an extremely short staffed medical field and i'm burning the candle at both ends, when she has come by (before I found out she'd been cheating) I get lectured on how i'm not taking care of her things.
You no longer need to listen to her criticism of you. You can ignore what she is saying. Her opinions are no longer your concern.
My mother is going to be starting chemo in the next week or two and she's sending her messages asking why she's not being overly friendly to her anymore and trying to guilt trip her about issues she's having.
Your mother can simply block all communication with your ex. That should be easy enough.
Alternatively, I would encourage your mother to continue the dialogue to an extent because you could potentially use comments made by your ex to your mother in your divorce negotiations. Conversely, your mother is not part of the divorce proceeding, so not much of what she says or does would be pertinent to your divorce. So, that's a low risk, high reward situation... so I'd encourage your mother to be civil and to not delete any text messages.
The kids are not pawns, the house was never hers, and I need her to stop assuming she's allowed to waltz into the house and shit on everybody and everything like it's owed to her. Unfortunately I need to do this without setting her off and complicating things, i've got about 40 days till this can be finalized and she can get half of my retirement and piss it away; and I want to make sure that's as far as it goes and as much as she gets.
This is another approach. Just suffer through the situation and hope it stays calm until its over. That's a totally valid approach. However, I wouldn't let her into your home if you don't want her to be in the house.
[This message edited by barcher144 at 2:10 PM, Wednesday, March 2nd]