SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have two kids, 16, and 20 with my soon to be exwife. She told me she wanted a divorce and briefly went to marriage counseling but gave no effort in counseling. She met a trashy looking guy and at some point started an affair with him. I suspected and she denied while still spending fine with me. She filed for divorce in late August, and i was served the papers in September. In late December, just before Christmas she admitted to the affair. She said it started in September but I suspect earlier. She now lives with the guy and we have to talk because of finances and the kids. It’s hard. I’m so mad she did all this but after spending twenty years with her I miss her. I feel I need to keep communication to a minimum to move on. She says I’m her best friend and she lied so I wouldn’t be hurt. All of my family and friends feel she has been horrible. Even the kids are angry at her. I need to figure out how to talk only when necessary. She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too by wanting my friendship. I don’t want to give her friendship.

The best way to get over her is to limit communication as much as you can. She lied to protect herself. She has no remorse for the pain she has caused you. It is all about her. She wants to be friends so she can point to that and say see what I did was not so bad. Look after yourself. She sure is. Sorry you have to deal with this. You will get through it, but it isn't an easy road. You will get great advice here.

Thank you. I agree. She doesn’t give sincere apologies for what she’s done to our family. I appreciate it.

You can tell her honestly that you expect your friends not to do to you what she did to you. Therefore, any friendship with her is excluded.
"Have a good time with your AP, you deserve each other, it's better if he is your best friend because I won't be such a friend".

If you have any doubt about whether to answer her or not, then there is no doubt: don't answer her.

She wants to be your "best friend" to keep from feeling guilty for her affair and leaving you & kids.

Don’t let that happen!!

As others posted, minimal contact is best.

Thanks for the advice. I will focus on the future and not my past. She isn’t who I thought she was. I feel I can’t stop her from doing what she is doing but I do have a choice of who I am friends with. I wish it went differently but there’s no point in dwelling on that.

How would you treat a former friend who was suing you? Let's say you and your buddy decided to start a business together... yada yada yada... it doesn't work out, the company folds and he sues you for some weird reason related to the downfall of the company?

That's how you need to treat your STBXW.

Because, literally, a divorce is a lawsuit.

I would say the minimal amount that you need to as far as parenting (because you still share custody of a minor). I would NOT mention anything personal beyond the weather. Do not show any anger or contempt for her at any time.

You can attempt to negotiate a settlement with her, but that's usually best for the lawyers to do.

My ex tried that. Since we didn't have kids, it was easy to say no thanks that I have enough friends and quite frankly you no longer qualify to be in that group.

With the 20 year old, you don't have to. Your relationship with them is one on one. Require all contact with her about the 16 year old be done through a parenting app. Ignore anything contact through anything else, block text, calls, and emails, or anything through that channel not directly related to co-parenting the children. The most important thing here is to disconnect as much as possible from her so you can heal.

Thanks. We talk way too much. We talked for like an hour today about some things with our son. I want her out of my life. I was willing to really give anything to work on us and she just wanted a new exciting relationship. I hate her for that. I know it takes two to argue but I really wanted to improve myself and the way we communicated. She wouldn’t. Thanks again

Her claim that you are her best friend is beyond incredulous. Her desire to maintain a friendship is to mitigate her guilt and show the world that what she did wasn't so bad. I had to stay in contact with my ex-WW because of our child. She maintained a one-sided friendship with me for the two reasons I have given. I became more friendly toward her as the years passed. She was utterly relentless in pursuing contact. But one day I discovered that she had been continually badmouthing me behind my back. Thanks to SI, I quickly went NC to her chagrin. I wish SI was around when trouble first surfaced in our marriage.

You know what to tell your STBXW about her "friendship" nonsense. I suggest that you make it clear to her now that all you are interested in talking about are the children and any loose ends regarding the divorce. Don't fall into the trap of a phony friendship as I did. Don't give her that gift.

[This message edited by src9043 at 1:34 AM, Tuesday, March 1st]

Look, I get it. After more than twenty years you miss her presence and talking to her. It was a habit. Habits can be broken. Focus on you and your healing. Your future. Keep in mind that she uses your seemingly innocuous conversations on kids and finances to make herself feel better about her horrible betrayal. Don’t be used that way.

You are the prize and you deserve better. If you find yourself failing to keep things in perspective use the aforementioned parenting app. Also, read about and implement the gray rock method when dealing with her on kids and finances. Otherwise, no contact. No idle chit chat. No “how you doing”. No unnecessary contact equals no new hurts. Good luck.

I was devastated after Dday 1. Less so after 2. At first, I could scarcely imagine a life without my W. It took me awhile to detox from the relationship. I certainly have no trouble imagining it now. There is no possibility that I could ever feel anything for that woman again. Time and distance are your allies in healing. Put yourself first. It won't feel natural at first, but you will eventually get more comfortable with it. NC is your friend...

Thanks. We talk way too much. We talked for like an hour today about some things with our son.

Do yourself a favor and cut verbal communication all together. It's too intimate from someone you're trying to detach from. She knows how to read you by now and that gives her more opportunities to manipulate you. Have her text or email you. That has the added benefit of leaving a record.

I want her out of my life. I was willing to really give anything to work on us and she just wanted a new exciting relationship. I hate her for that. I know it takes two to argue but I really wanted to improve myself and the way we communicated.

I agree with the advice to talk to her not at all or as little as possible.

The other thing that you need to do is to change your entire mindset. Your marriage is over. She is not your friend, buddy, or lover any longer. You are no longer invested in her, which means that you need to divest from her.

The phrase that I liked to use is:

Not my monkey, not my circus

Does she have issues? Sure but not your problem. Stay in your lane. Do not criticize her openly and try to stop criticizing her in your head too. She is like the weather... she is going to be what is going to be... and you have to decide how to respond, whether that's applying sunscreen or bringing an umbrella.

Thank you. I like the idea she is like the weather. Even when we talk about our sons or money it’s hard for me not to bring up our past and try to have her explain or apologize. She’s like talking to a wall and takes no responsibility. She will admit she isn’t perfect but never focused on things she could work on and just cheated and divorced me. I’ve known definitively about the affair for two months now and they’ve lived together since January. I can’t be drawn in by the way she talks to me anymore. She fakes caring but just wanted excitement after twenty years in my opinion. I’m conflicted about her new guy. He’s not a handsome guy and has a lame neck tattoo. He’s totally not her type. I guess I’d be more intimidated if he seemed super successful. He seems like a user and I know he left several kids across the country. Both of them seem to see themselves as more important than the families they left. I know it’s her and I don’t need to be concerned with her new guy. I need to just accept it and move on.

Restrict communication with her period.

Txt and email only. Her calls go straight to vm. This can be set up to happen automatically in your smartphone (andriod and iphone). Only allowed topics of discussion - divorce and care of your children. Do not respond to anything else just ignore. Offer no explanation for the new procedure. Why? She will attempt to manipulate you, shame you, etc into getting her way. Train her as Pavlov trained his dog - to respond to only the stimulus offered.

She wants to be your friend. No not really. She wants to remain in control of your life anyway possible. You are her possession. She needs to know what is going on in your life to attempt to sabotage any effort you make to heal and move on alone or with another women.

If you choose to follow the above recommendations she will attempt to confront you. Why are you being mean, distance, etc. You can simply utilize one of her tactics and claim you don't know what she talking about. You are busy, etc. Lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, deny just as she has done to you. There is nothing childish about this approach simply because you cannot reason with her and you will never be able to. Certainly you can be truthful with her and tell her you have no interest in being friends. That will only inflame the issue. Selfish people like your former wife want what they want and they are not easily denied. The path of least resistance is to lie and deny there is a problem just as she did to you. You know where you stand and that she cannot be trusted or dealt with in a open and straight forward manner.

The more indifferent and disinterested you can become the more reactive she will become. She gets fuel from conflict. Love and hate are rich fuels too. The less you give her as far as a reaction, the more she will act out in an attempt to get a reaction from you. The less you say and do the better. Do not try to reason with her for she will simply twist your logic. If you try to get her to answer why she did what she did, she will only dangle the answer in front of you like a carrot. She will pull it away before you ever grab hold.

Thanks. I’ve tried to have her explain if I’m a best friend she wouldn’t put me through this. I’ve tried to get a real sincere apology. She only says she lied about her affair to save my feelings and she values our twenty years together. She thinks I’ll just accept that and say great we were married and we are friends now. You’re in a relationship with this new guy and all is cool. It’s really not.

OP,

You said: "I want her out of my life."

Then do it.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Do or do not. There is no try.

I'm 22 years old now and my dad has not spoken to or seen my mother since 2013.

I was 13 years old when this began and he was able to do it. I have an older brother and a younger brother too.

Us children all had our own cellphones and your children do too based upon their ages. My dad contacted us directly and he had my mom blocked on his phone and he still refuses to answer a call when he doesn't know the number.

On top of that, my dad doesn't and hasn't had voicemail set up on his cellphone either, no one may leave him a message and that's because he does not want to hear his ex-wife's (my mom's) voice ever again on top of not speaking to her or seeing her and he won't either.

Thanks. I have to admit it takes effort. People tell me she wants to have her cake and eat it too. On one hand she’s chosen her AP over me and divorced me. She lives with him and I resent her. She called today to discuss my son but eventually mentioned a couple of things about us. I want the emotional pain out of my life. There’s a part of me that still wishes it was a year ago and she was in my life still. It’s hard to move on when we talk and text. It would help me get over it to use the methods of no contact you mentioned but I still answer texts and calls. I should have my son communicate with her and keep my talk with her to a minimum.

It’s hard to create a new way of communication, but you really need to.
I found that when I spoke to my XWH I ended up with a "hangover" after each call. Texting or email really helped, and it helped me not get sucked in to conversation other than the specific topic we needed to communicate about. I also used to respond instantly but he did not— it helped me to learn to evaluate the urgency and answer (or not, depending) later when it was convenient to me. It helped break the pattern of 25 years of being responsive and helpful and all that.

Change to VM or text only, or use an app. Read up on the gray rock method— you need to be that rock. Just business, nothing personal, nothing interesting. The talks about "us" are baloney. That shipped sailed when she cheated, divorced and moved in with her AP. That ship is LONG GONE. So no need to talk about it, rehash it, fantasize about an alternate ending, whatever.

Habits take something like 30 days to break and create. Commit to 30 days of bare minimum contact.

It’s hard, but like any habit, once you get over that hump, it gets easier.
Hang in there.