SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I received an email today about a life insurance beneficiary changing which confused me. After alittle research i figured out it was my ex husbands account and he must of forgot my email was on it when he updated his beneficiary, to his new wife.

That was a rough start to the day. I was already blown away by the fact that he was in a committed relationship before our divorce was final but this was really unexpected I guess.

Time line reference

Husband left June 2020
Divorce finalized October 2020
Ex husband in relationship Nov 2020
Married Dec 2021

So within a year and a half of us no longer being together he has moved on and remarried. I'm not sure what I feel. I guess a bit hurt that it was so easy for him. But also apart of me thinks this is insanity to get remarried that quickly.

I guess I've spent the last almost two years trying to make sense of it all. To deal with my emotions and accept the end of my 13 year relationship. My 10 years married, I've slowly been letting it go. Coping, sometimes well sometimes not

Yet here he is, not phased at all. It hurts from that aspect, how forgettable I was. But at the same time I cringe at wanting someone who was never that deep and that could move on so easily. I feel more numb than anything, I don't think I've really let it sink in because I'm just in disbelief.

Am I crazy for thinking this is crazy?

Your feelings aren't weird. It would feel like a slap in the fact to me too- it did when it happened to me with one of my college boyfriends. We'd been friends for a good 4 years before we dated. We broke up at the end of my freshman year of college (dated about 1.5yrs at that point). He had a new GF in a week.

NOT the same level of devastation you're feeling, but yeah, you're not weird for feeling like an apple core tossed to the side.

That he "moved on" so quick is very telling though- not that he wasn't invested in you (which he wasn't) but that he's also not at all invested in HIMSELF. He didn't think he owed it to himself to sit down, do some thinking and change himself from someone who cheats to someone who has integrity.

That kind of thing takes more than a month.

Maybe instead, think about him as an actor who has moved on to his next fake role for his next fake "project" in life. He didn't get real with you in your marriage, didn't get real with himself after it ended so now... yeah, ya think he's going to be real with the new wife?

Bring on the popcorn. Maybe offer her some when she learns it's the same script, different costumes.

You're not crazy. My xwh had moved in with a different person to a different state (well a couple actually cus he's "poly" now RME) literally less than 2 weeks after our D was final. Initially it really gave me a pang, but now? Meh - really don't care what he does or who he does it with so long as he is way the hell away from me with his bullshit. He can go leech off of someone else and I will just be over here enjoying my peace!

I know that lil stabby feeling you must have felt, but really he's just transferring his dysfunction to another poor lady now. What he's doing says not one thing about YOU.

You no longer the beneficiary of his life-insurance?
Cancel the hit-man NOW! Not worth the risk…

I think that would sting anybody. Totally normal reaction.

But what it seems to say to me is that he has done NO WORK on himself and he is rushing into re-marrying lest he have to look in the mirror and see how broken he is. So broken attracts broken, and he and the new victim will just repeat the same story.

Don’t confuse him remarrying with him being a better person, being "fixed", being happy - it’s just him chasing image control.

accept the sting, cry if you want, feel it.
Then dust off and keep moving forward, healing and healthy.

Hang in there- you are doing great.

"I think that would sting anybody. Totally normal reaction."

Sending you positive thoughts. I hope the sting will continue to fade with time.

I generally think that there are certain people who cannot function on their own - they need a partner or else they fall apart. So while he found someone, it’s not because he has healed or forgotten your marriage, but because you left a huge hole and he had to hurry up and fill it before he completely lost it. And he needed to convince himself he made a good choice and this is the easiest path.

And because he was in a rush, the quality of the new person and the new relationship is secondary to just getting someone to agree to marry him. It could have been anyone - nothing special about her.

I’m sorry it stings. Of course it does because you are human and you have feelings, and it’s the same reason why when you are ready you will find someone real and have a deep healthy relationship.

Joking aside I think you can turn the thought process around in your mind.

When I read some of your posts and your profile your ex doesn’t jump out as someone with good morals or relationship skills or compassion. He didn’t "dispose" of you because you were so faulty, but more because he found something more shiny and glittery and new. For him relationships are shallow and therefore disposable.
I believe people can change. Maybe one day your ex will become someones best ever husband or whatever. But he’s not there now. I think you shouldn’t be treating this like he got away, but rather that YOU got away.

Instead of wondering how fast he got over it then try saying out loud: Thank God I'm no longer in a shallow relationship.

This has definitely been affecting me. Stings more than I thought. I just feel like I've been stuck grieving the past year and a half we've been divorced and in that time, he got remarried.

I really feel like I'm just disposable to people. Guess this really brought up some hurt I haven't dealt with. Back to therapy.

Maybe he’s just very afraid of being alone and he married out of fear.

His marriage has NOTHING to do with you. I know that is hard to understand because you think he’s replacing you b/c you weren’t good enough.

He remarried for a ton of reasons that has Nothing to do with you.

If being married was so horrible then why did your XH remarry? Or remarry so quickly? Because it wasn’t so terrible - he just wanted you to think the failure of the marriage was your fault - and you were the reason he was unhappy.

He was unhappy with himself and his life. That’s the truth.

I relate 100% with The 1stWife..

Afraid of loneliness, insecure, blaming you for his internal problems, taking the easiest way out, believing his choice was the right one for him.

All of his baggage he brings with him into the new marriage.

And you have ridden yourself of his excess baggage!

I know it's hard not to take it personally, but please don't. His life as it is right now, has nothing to do with you....he's unloading his baggage in the new relationship and it's not all nicely packed and complete. It's chaos in there!

My husband moved in with his AP on DDay. He did not even go to a hotel or find an apartment. He drove straight to her house where he was welcomed with open arms. All of what The 1stWife wrote is true!

By the way, my husband did not find the happiness he so believed he had with her. We have reunited, going on three years.

I wish you fortitude to face your disbelief. And no you are not crazy!

Stuck grieving ? Or healing and grieving like a healthy human being?

It may feel stuck— but you are building a strong, healthy foundation for your future.
He took his mess and just joined with another mess. Nothing to admire there.

This is one of those speed bumps we go through. So acknowledge it, feel it, and then try to let it go.
(Easier said then done, I know).

You are doing great.

After I decided to D, I fell into a relationship 6 weeks later, while we were S. I had no intention to connect with anyone as I was still reading and knew it would probably fail. It took months for it to heat up and we were on again, off again. It lasted a yearish. Now I have been single for two years and plan to stay that way. I am in no way partner material any more, at least not in my current condition. Plus, I love being alone now.

Now, my STBXWW is another matter.she seems to be incapable of being alone. As soon as we S, she bounced between guys, eventually glomming onto the guy she is now with. They have had a tumultuous ride, breaking up at least a half dozen times, during which she finds another guy. Her behavior stakes of someone who uses people to self-medicate, someone who is so terrified of being alone that she is willing to use others to meet her needs. Yup, my STBXWW To a tee.

I had breakfast with my MIL a couple weeks ago and she commented on just how "fucked up" her daughter was... her words. She also told her daughter that she will probably end up alone and bitter in the end as her expectations of what she deserves are so unrealistic. Again, yup...

I laughed at this as if being alone is some horrible fate. Well, it is for her unless she can close that gaping psychic hole in her personality and learn to self validate. Not holding my breath on that one.

It sounds like your XWH is trying to medicate rather than look inwards. He probably does not, norvever will, have the fortitude to do this. The hard work of a healing journey pays off in the future. The choice to jump into another relationship pays off now.

Rather than look at your XWH, look at yourself and live the shit out of your life. And if you get to a point of total authenticity and healing, it will not only drive your XWH crazy, you will have the added bonus of not giving a shit.

"Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 1:11 PM on Sunday, February 27th, 2022

After I decided to D, I fell into a relationship 6 weeks later, while we were S. I had no intention to connect with anyone as I was still reading and knew it would probably fail. It took months for it to heat up and we were on again, off again. It lasted a yearish. Now I have been single for two years and plan to stay that way. I am in no way partner material any more, at least not in my current condition. Plus, I love being alone now."

Right there with you Jusatsomeguy. Separated 5 years, divorced 1. Still friends with MIL and FIL, esp becz of the kids, whom I have custody. XWW is STILL with the idiot she left me for, and HE is still married t his wife, though EW and him live together. Odd.
But, my life kids my kids and my work and my life and she's no longer part of it, hallelujah. She doesn't even see our youngest, 16 now (10 when she left) except maybe once or twice a year ... and she lives 20 minutes away.
I really have no care if she sees the kids, has a relaTIONSHIP WITH THEM OR NOT. i AM RAISING THEM TO be normal, respectful humans. They know what happened, they saw it live (the cheating, the fights, the abuse)
Good riddance