SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

hi all
I don't post a lot but still read most days, I find it helpful to remind myself of where I've been and what I am capable of - kind of like AA.

but.....has anyone noticed:
1. how many folk are here recently with very long ago infidelity and now occurring again? although not sure why I'm shocked...
2. while I agree all waywards have perpetrated awful behaviour some of the ones lately have me seriously wondering about us - telling your betrayed you are enjoying hurting them? and keeping written documentation for several years about how much we despise our spouse (I'm trying not to be specific here and will probably get in trouble sorry mods) - I mean who the hell does this? This just feels like a whole new level of awfulness and for those going through it - I feel so sorry.

Anyway - something that resonated with me that was written in JFO or reconciling was (my paraphrasing):
'I was tending the garden of my marriage but now I'm wondering if i was just tending weeds....'?

I hope we are all tending a wonderful lush productive garden (even post infidelity, however that looks for you)....it gave me pause to have a look at what I was bringing to the table even these years later with my BS - so thank you whoever posted it.

Hi KB,

Yeah, I've noticed a lot more "here again" BS's too. Not sure if it's a case of other people sharing their stories and new people feeling comfortable to add theirs too or if it is just a more prevalent pattern than I realize. Really though, once the boundaries have been broken, it is easier to walk over them again. So, maybe not a surprise there's a lot of repeat offenders. I've always had shit boundaries and I'm trying to rework them. It's to the point though where I'm shutting everyone out, even BH. I don't know how to trust myself or even feel like I have anything positive to offer others. So yeah, the work is hard and some of us just give up.

Anyway, it's my birthday week, which is always a tough time anyway- reflecting on where I am and how I've done in the past year. Lotta negative self talk going on. It's easy to remember how I was open to the affair- anything to distract myself and hear something positive about myself. Now, I don't trust a positive word out of anyone's mouth. I'm struggling to allow myself to feel pleasure in my BH's kindness and positive words toward me. How can I deserve it after what I've done and how hurt he continues to be? In my A, it was easy to accept AP's flattery- I had no accountability or responsibility toward him, so, since I couldn't hurt or disappoint him, I could accept it.

Yeah, as WS's the very nature of the work we have to do makes it difficult to move on from the shame and easier to just go back on the old drug of choice. No wonder there's so many repeat offenders.

1. how many folk are here recently with very long ago infidelity and now occurring again? although not sure why I'm shocked...

As long as nothing changes...nothing changes.

I see the other side of the spectrum more . I have witnessed it myself how many people who are happily reconciled don't post on here anymore. I know this firsthand...now that I am OUT of infidelity...it really is hard to come on here and post. I truly didn't understand it at first...but I get it now . I made a promise to myself that IF I ever was able to be happily reconciled...I would continue to post on here to give HOPE to others who were in my situation. I have to admit that I don't post as often as I did...but I still try to post about what is MY truth...being HAPPILY in R .

2. while I agree all waywards have perpetrated awful behaviour some of the ones lately have me seriously wondering about us

As long as nothing changes...nothing changes.

Waywards who CHOOSE to stay in that mindset...will have the same outcome. Same thing with Betrayeds. What a person allows is what will continue. I put a stop to what I would allow on Dday. My H could either keep doing what he was doing...and lose me. Or HE could change his selfish behavior mindset and I could change my accepting his selfish behavior mindset...and WE could have a chance at staying together.

I hope we are all tending a wonderful lush productive garden (even post infidelity, however that looks for you)....

I hope that too . I told my H something I read once..."If the grass is greener on the other said...then water your own damn grass!" Every now and then he will pipe up and say..."I am watering my grass ." Usually it is after he has done something for me or for us .

Anyway, it's my birthday week

Happy Birthday Week MIgander !!!

I'm struggling to allow myself to feel pleasure in my BH's kindness and positive words toward me. How can I deserve it after what I've done and how hurt he continues to be?

THIS week is the PERFECT week then to ACCEPT your BH's GIFT of kindness and positive words . Don't overthink things this week...just let your BH's wonderful LOVE flow out to you . You can go back to struggling next week...if you want to. What you DID will never be changed. But you CAN change how you move FORWARD Dear Lady .

Yeah, as WS's the very nature of the work we have to do makes it difficult to move on from the shame and easier to just go back on the old drug of choice. No wonder there's so many repeat offenders.

With THIS attitude...WS's are setting themselves up for failure. NOTHING worth having is EASY. We ALL have to WORK at achieving our goals . You're on here a lot...you WANT to be a better person. DON'T SETTLE for EASY. Being happily in R is truly WORTH working for! Your BH is wanting that...or he wouldn't be so kind. PLEASE give him the GIFT he wants...YOU...warts and all .

I'm seeing a lot of "He was remorseful, he did the work,went to IC,figured out why he cheated,was open,honest, etc,etc." So these are WS who seemed to have done "the work." Yet,years later,decided to cheat anyway.

Honestly, at this point, I think remaining with a WS who has done the work,is a huge gamble.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:19 PM, Wednesday, February 9th]

Honestly, at this point, I think remaining with a WS who has done the work, is a huge gamble.

R is always a gamble. All relationships are. The only thing that changes is our perception of the odds.

Yes, of course R is always a gamble. But BS like to believe that true R is possible, because their WS "gets it," and they're "doing the work."

Yet..we have BS come back, ALL THE TIME, saying their WS did just that. Got it..did the work..etc. I believe them.

Maybe once a spouse become a WS, regardless of whatever work they do, they are simply never a safe partner. I know that's an uncomfortable thought for all of us. But it's something we see all the time.

But BS like to believe that true R is possible, because their WS "gets it," and they're "doing the work."

I think that a big problem of this is---What the hell do BSs....especially first time BSs....know what 'doing the work' entails?

I can tell you now, several years removed, what I think it should look at feel like. I also know for certain....again, looking back at my freshly betrayed self....that I 'saw' my WW doing the work because I wanted to see her do the work. Damn, it was so easy to project my wishes onto her actions. And guess what? My tagline doesn't say 'D-day#1....AND THE ONLY D-DAY TO OCCUR'.....

Yes, I'm as confident as I'll probably ever be that my wife is remorseful today. The problem is, I said that years ago, even though there was probably some uneasy feeling about it all. If I was to discover a new D-day in the future, I would (1) know that I am incapable of reading my partner, and (2) I will handle myself much better than I did years ago.

Idk. As someone who has done a lot of work on myself I just don't know how I could revert back now. Never say never, believe me I know. The thing is, we don't know what really took place in someone's WS. We don't know exactly what parts of their brain actually rewired, or if it took place at all. We don't know anything other than second hand accounts of their outwardly appearance. And not to be insensitive, but many were fooled by that once.

Its so incredibly easy to mistake white knuckling for the work. Its easy, for some, to coast white knuckling exceptionally well. They can coast the rest of their life or 10 years. Hard to tell.

I've actually gotten really good at reading between the lines with someone. Its such a microscopic line it's incredibly easy to misread.

And to be quite honest, I would wager that if we were to interview the BS who find themselves back, there would be tell tale signs. It might be insignificant big picture, or goes unnoticed, mundane slips that largely or completely have nothing to with infidelity.

Im not saying we have to be perfect I'm just saying if you sat your WS down and asked hard questions, nothing specific not even specific to them, just to start a conversation, one that makes them contemplate honor, values, character, you will see glimpses one way or another.

Sadly, I'm not so convinced that there are many WS out here actually doing the work. Even when we have many BSs here today, right now believing in their WS knowing in their heart they are doing the work.. I don't like that that is my stance, I will root for the underdog every time. But in this "game" I know the odds.

Sadly, I'm not so convinced that there are many WS out here actually doing the work. Even when we have many BSs here today, right now believing in their WS knowing in their heart they are doing the work..

This is what I meant. You have the WS doing the work,or at least putting on a damn good show,and their BS truly believes they are. Until they aren't.

FWIW, FL, you are one of our FWSs,who I believe has done the work. I would bet good money on you never doing it again. Your work comes through,in every one of your posts. I also believe you are one of the very few.

And,yes,I have reconciled with my husband. It's been 12 years since dday. I don't think he would do it again. But,as you said, I was fooled before.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:03 PM, Wednesday, February 9th]

I appreciate that HF.

while I agree all waywards have perpetrated awful behaviour some of the ones lately have me seriously wondering about us - telling your betrayed you are enjoying hurting them? and keeping written documentation for several years about how much we despise our spouse (I'm trying not to be specific here and will probably get in trouble sorry mods) - I mean who the hell does this? This just feels like a whole new level of awfulness

 I've seen some sick shit in JFO (and General) throughout the years. I mean eyes wide, mouth hung open in shock. There are some fucked up individuals out there. Myself included. I recently moved from my home into a home with my fiance. I had a box that remained unpacked from the move after my divorce. In there were several journals 7-8 (my mom gives me one just about every Christmas) maybe 15-20 entries in total. Dating back to when my ex and I were still only dating. Of course I only wrote in them when I was sad, or mad at him never good stuff. The pages were full of venom it was sad to see and reread.

Of course it takes an exceptionally cruel person to take joy in another's pain. I must be desensitized to the shock factor in the depths waywards fall. Its been quite a long time since I've been surprised by such behavior.

Actually until a new poster showed up very recently. Jesus Christ it took a lot of restraint to not reach out.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 10:27 PM, Wednesday, February 9th]

I see it a lot too. And it is...unsettling.

Now - that being said, I have a very thick file of A related things. I don't see myself ever getting rid of it. I don't visit it regularly. I don't pain shop. But I know I have it. And I sleep well. Y'all see - in my case LTAP just keeps coming back around - even after WH made it clear he wanted nothing more to do with her. IN fact, a Cease and Desist had to be sent early 2021. Cyber stalking and reaching out attempts via fake profiles. That file with those details and my notes, etc. helped the attorney see what he was dealing with and then chose to take a "heavy handed strong" approach with the Cease and Desist as opposed to a lighter one.

'I was tending the garden of my marriage but now I'm wondering if i was just tending weeds....'?

I am my own garden of awesome and I tend it well. If anyone else chooses that I am just a weed... that's on them.

I love all of your wonderful comments and thoughts.

MIgander - happy birthday for this week - as always your comments are bang on, but I'm worried about you having such negative thoughts - that way madness lies - I can guarantee you have amazing things going on - we aren't just our infidelity, I agree doing the work means the shame is there front and centre - I often feel worse now than I did when everything happened, horrible flashbacks and moments of 'oh yeah that's right I did that' - whereas my BS is fine and dandy (which is a blessing don't get me wrong).

'maybe we are never safe partners' - yes tough statement but I'm going to go out on a limb here and probably agree with it - is an alcoholic ever safe around alcohol even if sober for many years? - (I've never drunk so not sure if its even an analogy that's useful) - I just know I've got a pathway I need to travel and some days it sucks knowing I've strayed off it.

ahhh there are too many amazing comments to respond to - this will be 50 pages long if I do - thank you for your wisdom and thoughtfulness

Betrayal breaks people in ways they were not supposed to be broken. I completely understand now why my mom emotionally shut down after my father's betrayals. I realize betrayal comes from an inner place of fear and weakness, but the damage is so devastating I've never felt the same, even 10 years later. I am no longer bitter ... just sad.

Thanks W2BHA and KB for the birthday wishes.

I had a really tough set of MC and IC sessions yesterday (basically used up their tissue boxes ) and am doing better today. BH gave me the gift of forgiveness and I could finally receive it. Which is a birthday miracle. Talked to IC about learning to forgive ourselves and move on. What's done cannot be changed, I am changing the things I can and there is hope for the future. But not if I continue to live in the past and beat myself down for the damage I have done. It's really the most liberated I've felt in a long while.

Doesn't erase the damage I've done or the work I need to do, but forgiving myself will hopefully reduce the shame spirals and give me the strength to do what I must to repair the damage I have caused.

W2BHA, thank you for the encouragement. Between you guys and the IC/MC, I'm in a better place today.

Doesn't erase the damage I've done or the work I need to do, but forgiving myself will hopefully reduce the shame spirals and give me the strength to do what I must to repair the damage I have caused.

Forgiveness is VERY powerful...and it is much harder to forgive ourselves. NOTHING can erase what has happened in the past...but we CAN change to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I financially betrayed my H years before he betrayed me. I was JUSTIFIED in doing it...and since I handled all of the finances there was no way he would ever know. Rationalization at its best . I ended up confessing to what happened...and needless to say...my H did not take it well . For YEARS my H called me a liar...brought up my betrayal often...and didn't trust me with the finances. There were times in the beginning when I would think that since he feels this way...I can just keep doing what I want to do.

BUT...there is always a BUT.. !! BUT...no matter what my H said or did...I KNEW I had changed . I didn't like WHO I had become when I did what I did. I took the easy way out by taking the money secretly. My H didn't know and he was blissfully ignorant. But it was eating me up inside. Confessing and telling the whole truth brought me a freedom I hadn't felt in a LONG time. Once I was OUT of that strangling grip...there was NO WAY I was going back!!!

My H never said he forgave me...and what I did didn't deserve his forgiveness. But I knew that I was NOT that person anymore...and forgiving myself made a HUGE difference .

Don't go by the few Waywards who have taken the easy way out and their Betrayeds have ended up back here. There are MANY more who learned and changed...and will NEVER betray their spouse again . We don't see them write as often on here as those who have had another Dday. This IS an infidelity website...and unfortunately some do find themselves IN infidelity again. That happened to me with my 1st H. But it will not happen again with my 2nd H . Keep being AUTHENTIC...and everything will work out !

MIgander - great update and well done sounds very positive - there is no hugging emoticon anymore? hugs x