I thought I was doing okay. I thought I could distract myself. I thought I could pretend that the first Christmas post divorce would be alright. I went on a trip with my family to celebrate the holiday. It’s been more frustrating than fun. Seeing my parents and my siblings all interact with and hug and hold hands and talk with their significant others has been super hard on me. I feel like just these last couple of days of "Christmas vacation" have knocked me backwards a few yards on my path to healing. I felt like I was doing so well - and BOOM - it’s like I opened a closet and all this infidelity-related trauma and PTSD started pouring out.
I felt miserable all Christmas. I Still do. I just want to be alone at this point. I’m way over my social limit right now, with all these heavy feelings about to spill out of me. On Christmas, I couldn’t help but think about all the holiday traditions and memories I made with my ex-wife and ex-puppy over the last several years that are suddenly, cruelly, lost out the window. The holiday brought back all that sadness I felt throughout this year. All the betrayal I felt. The anger at my ex wife for not being willing to communicate with me about what was really going on. For making me feel that it was somehow *my * fault. For leading me to believe that she was willing to work on things, but doing nothing to actually demonstrate that. For leading me on, letting me think that me doing what she told me she needed, for "giving her space", was all to help us... and she was going behind my back and investing all her time and energy into pursuing another relationship.
I keep beating myself up. Thinking about how I feel so down and miserable and broken up so often and how I have all these pieces I have to pick up to start to put my life back together and she has...seemingly nothing like that. She got to keep the house we lived in, the dog we raised, the friends we made, the restaurants we loved...the new boyfriend she started dating while we were married. And here I am, terrified of being alone forever. Nervous to start interacting with women again someday. Clueless as to how, or when, to even begin.
I’m upset about how things ended. I’m angry at myself for not speaking up sooner, for the things I left unsaid. For not defending myself when she was treating me poorly. For not calling her out on her shit (like staying out till 2am, getting drunk and "watching movies" with another man while her husband stayed home...what the hell is that!?). For not making it abundantly clear that I was being hurt and felt disrespected and that lines were being crossed in our marriage.
It makes me so sad to think how she didn’t even seem to *fight* for us. How I wasn’t worth her just telling the other guy "no" or cutting things off the moment they started to get even *close* to "the line". Why wasn’t I worth that to her? How much of our relationship was bullshit to her? How much of it, if any, was real? I remember how fucking devastating it was when, after I told her we should get divorced, she cried and said that seemed really drastic and that we should try a separation for a few months first. I responded, "why, so you can just fuck around with Mark (her AP) for a few months and *then* decide you don’t want to be with me? No, let’s get it over with now." I told her point blank several times that we could not improve our relationship while the other guy was a part of that relationship too (because, no matter what she said, he certainly was a part of it--against my will and knowledge). She always refused to cut him out or deflected and told me he had nothing to do with "us". I asked her one last time to cut ties with him and she flat out said no. I knew it was over.
I’m angry that I lost friends when I moved. I was planning to get season tickets to the local NFL team near where I used to live and go to football games every week with them. Now, I watch them on TV and feel like shit that I’m not there with those buddies I got to know and subsequently lost.
I don’t want her back. I don’t want anything to do with her. Well, that’s not true. I *do* wish I could know if the way she handled things has fucked her up as much as it’s fucked with my head. I know I’m not ever going to get that closure from her--but I wish she could truly know how badly she made me feel, how absolutely torn apart and broken I have been. I wish I knew that she was feeling guilty and torn up for how she treated me. A Taylor Swift lyric has been hitting close to home with me lately: "just between us did the love affair maim you too?"
I miss coming home to someone to talk to. I miss having someone to text memes and inside jokes to. I miss having someone *miss* me. I miss being hugged and kissed. I miss being desired. I miss going on long drives and listening to meaningful music and holding hands with my partner. I miss having a partner and now... months after the divorce, I realize with her...I never really even had a partner.
Anyway. Sorry for the ranting. Why do I keep hashing this out? Why do I keep thinking these things? Having the same arguments with myself over and over again?? Why can’t she get out of my head??