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Hi, I'm stuck right now. As you know I've had multiple affairs over the period of my marriage and before. It has taken me years to fully confess everything I've done and even now I doubt I have told my BS everything as there was a lot of wayward behaviour and I suspect that there are things I don't remember.

I have a timeline of everything I remember doing from sexual/physical affairs, porn use, masturbation over women I worked with in my sexual fantasies, sexual fantasies over fantasy women, flirtation with women online and while out with "friends", financial infidelity and an emotional affair.

I have struggled with being honest to BS and being honest to myself. In January of this year I came clean on two physical affairs while at University. I have had a number of "rock bottoms" which recently involved thoughts of taking my own life. I am under counselling and we're going through MC. I am also taking medication for depression. I am in regular contact with one of the posters on here and we're working together on my issues. This includes angry outbursts, my whys, my selfish thoughts when I think I'm doing the right thing and I'm not, my listening skills, my empathy. He has told me things my BS has said on many occasions and frustratingly for her, they seem to stick. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from fixed, our marriage is far from fixed. There is a lot of work to do for myself, my marriage and my BS.

A sticking point has come with details of two of my affairs. I'll cover them separately as this will be a monster of a thread.

In the affair with a COW we spent 18 months in an emotional affair. I initially wanted more and pursued her as such. I got the impression that she was not interested in me sexually, although she was interested in me for flirting. She would constantly boost my ego and send suggestive messages, she and I occasionally made physical contact with, what I thought were subtle actions. Brushing arms or legs when sat next to one another. I was into her more than she was me. In hindsight she was clearly using me to help her progress through the company as I was more experienced than she was. I did not make a move on her and switched my attention to flirting and using my interactions with her to fuel a fantasy in my mind. I was rarely physical with BS for a number of years. During this time I was using pornography and scenarios in my mind as a method of getting my sexual needs. I was also looking at photos of another woman at work who posted pictures on FB and other social media of her in skimpy clothing.

I spent a lot of time working closely with COW and we grew close. She was struggling with her role and also with other members of the team. I was pretty much the only person who wanted to work with her (initially because I wanted to sleep with her) The relationship did grow into an emotional affair and a physical one (the physical nature being one way and in my head) We did not kiss, perform oral sex or have penetrative sex together. While I wanted this and worked on this initially, I pulled away from this until sometime close to d-day. At this time I planned again to try and have sex with her. An opportunity came up at a conference, we had a global finance meeting in the UK and we could if we wanted stay in the hotel we were having the conference at (this was only 10 miles from home). I suggested to her and other colleagues that we stay in the hotel and we could get to know some of the guys from the US and Europe. This would have been nice, but my intention was to try and get a few drinks in her and see if that would lower her inhibitions.

Fortunately BS found evidence of the emotional affair a few weeks before and I pulled out of the hotel stay.

The emotional affair consisted of:

Multiple flirtatious/suggestive emails

Test messages exchanged most days while at work and at home

Phone calls driving home

Discussions on work frustrations and applications for new jobs

Me reaching out to her rather than BW

Me opening up on feelings and frustrations in a way I did not with BW

She cried and came to me for support when she was having a hard time

She would call me gorgeous and be overly friendly with me

We would go for walks at lunch time and talk

I assisted her with her job at the detriment of mine

I would go into the office early to get my work done so I could spend time with her

The physical elements of he affair:

Brushing against one another

She would lean over me if she wanted to discuss something on screen

Me masturbating over her in my own fantasies

BS, understandably, thinks more happened. I'm struggling getting her to believe me.

I know that everything I have told her previously was lies, TT and gas lighting. I know I have nothing to back up this timeline. She is scared that in 10 years time I will either relapse or something will come to light that will shatter her world.

She continually tells me things don't make sense. Historically, if it did not made sense, then I'm was telling lies. This backed up with anger and defensiveness. Now were in a position where I've come clean on the level of my feeling for COW and how I would pleasure myself over her. I have acknowledged the full extent of my exit from the marriage and into this affair. People here on SI say if it does not make sense then it's a lie....and of course they're right, everything I have done in the past has been based on lies or half truths. I have come clean on everything that happened in this affair. I've shared the feelings I had for her and the total lack of respect I had for BS or our marriage.

I'm trying to show more emotional maturity and in recent events in my personal life I have shown BS I can show her emotion other than anger. I'm trying to be the man I want to be. I have led my whole life with a selfish mentality and have only recently come to realise the extent of this. Our MC has called me out on this on multiple occasions as has my contact on here.

I need help guys

[This message edited by Bulcy at 7:34 PM, Tuesday, December 7th]

Hi Bulcy,

I don't know that I have much to help you with here, but I wanted you to know that you've been heard.

It's frustrating when our BH's are finally being told the truth and they don't believe it.

From your description of your COW affair, it isn't implausible for a woman to manipulate her male coworker to her own advantage. And then turn him down when the PA aspects came up.

I think your BW may have a hard time believing/trusting you is because of all the TT over the years.

Where are you with treating your porn habits? I can understand how it's easier to find release with a fantasy than with a living, breathing human as we're naturally wired for connection. Connection tends to come in the package with sex as, again, it's how we're made as humans. Sharing that with a person when you are responsible for their care and well being and have failed them on such a deep level is difficult. For me, the shame gets so much in the way, I can't let go and allow myself to enjoy, let alone bond. My BH struggles with opening up enough to feel comfortable being vulnerable physically as well.

I guess what I'm getting at is, both affairs and porn form patterns of addiction that feed our need for bonding and connection without actually having to take the risk of being vulnerable and responsible for our actions to another human being. The EA you've had with COW was a way to gain emotional connection without risking your true self- you could just go home and ignore her if things didn't work out (you rejected her or she rejected you). Whereas, with your BW, you have to divorce, move out, break hearts all around your family and see the pain and anger your actions caused on a daily basis from people who have the most influence in your life.

Likewise with porn- it only serves as the physical release without the risks of true connection. I won't go into the details, because you're likely familiar with them. The chemicals produced to bond when you release are addicting. Only, bonding like that in real life requires real vulnerability and real risk of rejection.

Where are you in working on that in yourself? Are you in IC? If so, are you discussing where your fears of rejection are coming from? Can you be vulnerable with your wife?

Sometimes it's not just about being honest. That's the first step. The next is vulnerability and openness to risking rejection.

I'm still working at this too, so not trying to get down on you.

Where are you with treating your porn habits?

This is something that came very easy. I pretty much stopped on the 2017 d-day. BS and I went through a phase of HB and after this our sex life was amazing. When BS discovered the extent of my porn use we agreed that I would not use porn on my own. We do occasionally us porn as a couple. I don't think I had a porn addiction more of a reliance with self satisfaction.

I think your BW may have a hard time believing/trusting you is because of all the TT over the years.

100% agree. Lies, TT, omissions and defensive behaviour have made things very difficult for me. I understand her reluctance to believe me give the abuse and trauma I have put her through over the years.

For me, the shame gets so much in the way,

Yeah, not necessarily with physical intimacy although sometimes I suffer with issues, but this is rare. My shame spiralling kicks in when I realise the damage I've caused. Often after this is pointed out to me. I slip into shame and hide in my man cave and am absent from conversations. It's something I working on with IC.

Where are you in working on that in yourself? Are you in IC? If so, are you discussing where your fears of rejection are coming from? Can you be vulnerable with your wife?

Working on myself has been difficult. What with the denials and shame, lies to previous MC and IC, lack of acceptance and accountability etc I have struggled to do much in the way of REAL reflection. That said, I've hit rock bottom a few times now and each of these brings me out of myself. I am in IC, but have not really used them effectively until recently. We have been looking into anger management and communication skills in the last few weeks, particular attention to active listening. I will bring up a thought I had recently on fear of rejection...In my affairs I relied on the AP making the first move, yes I worked on them and made it obvious what I wanted, I did however leave it up to them to come to me. Maybe a fear of rejection but also to have a level of pushing the responsibility on them. I have only recently been able to show vulnerability with my wife. I have cried when we lost our dogs recently and when a friend of mine died suddenly. It was only in the last week or two that I have cried uncontrollably about the affairs. Previously I would have bottled this up and only released as anger. So, I'm working on emotions and vulnerability. Currently reading the 5 love languages and listening to/reading Brene Brown.

First off, Bulcy, please take thoughts of suicide seriously and get help to overcome them. You don't want to normalize that idea by slow degrees the way you normalized your affairs. Make sure that your therapist knows about your struggle and that your medications are carefully monitored. As awful as things are for your BW, suicide would be the ultimate "fuck you," leaving her to cope on her own. I know that's not why you'd be doing it, but you didn't cheat to hurt her, either, and nevertheless, that was the predictable outcome.

And we need you here, too. You're what the Wayward Side exists for: someone with a terrible history who is braving honesty to make major life changes. True, we're anonymous, and so some would say that it doesn't take much courage to lay it all bare here. I disagree. If it were easier, everyone would do it, and yet the percentage of people who make that commitment and follow through is achingly small. We can help you come out the other side, and you can help other members, BS and WS alike.

There's no magic formula for getting your BW to believe you. A polygraph may help. I can't remember if you've ever discussed it. Simple questions like "Are you knowingly hiding information about your affairs" and "Have you disclosed all APs to your BW" can cover a lot of ground. And if you're afraid of those questions, there's a reason, one that you may be hiding even from yourself. You need to look at that with the clearest eye you can manage.

I still self-audit by looking at whether a poly would make me nervous. I've had to do it multiple times. I was sure I could have passed a polygraph two years ago, and yet I've had to disclose new information as recently as two months ago. Not anything enormous like another affair or additional sex acts, but an affectionate gesture shared with the OM that I downplayed in my timeline to make myself less complicit. And while it stung my BH to hear it and set him back a bit, it didn't destroy him. He knows that it's an ongoing process for me to reconcile the reality of the A with the version I stuck to like glue for decades. The new information was consistent with what he knew about my mining for ego kibble through "friendship" after D-Day. He understands how the memory was triggered, and he appreciated that I did the work the moment I realized that I was making internal excuses ("this isn't a big deal, does he really need to know, won't it just set him back, I need to think this over before I say anything"). I saw the pattern, called a hard halt on that shit and went right to him. Ironically, my spitting out damaging information reinforced his faith that I've changed in fundamental ways.

But you aren't there yet. It will take years to rebuild your credit rating. At this point, every fuckup still means that you're back at square one. There's nothing for it but to validate her distrust and be patient with her. And for God's sake, get anything you're hiding out on the table to the best of your ability. Don't waste whatever grace you may be lucky enough to call on in the future.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 10:45 PM, Wednesday, December 8th]

First off, Bulcy, please take thoughts of suicide seriously and get help to overcome them. You don't want to normalize that idea by slow degrees the way you normalized your affairs. Make sure that your therapist knows about your struggle and that your medications are carefully monitored. As awful as things are for your BW, suicide would be the ultimate "fuck you," leaving her to cope on her own. I know that's not why you'd be doing it, but you didn't cheat to hurt her, either, and nevertheless, that was the predictable outcome.

Thanks, I have taken them seriously, I've spoken to both my IC and MC as well as reaching out for support from local charities. You make a good point on normalising, I will need to watch this. I've not had them, to that level before or since really. I think I had hit a point where I was stuck in a terrible place and thought this the best option. The thoughts were short lived and hopefully a one off.

And we need you here, too. You're what the Wayward Side exists for: someone with a terrible history who is braving honesty to make major life changes.

I'm sat here now, struggling to see any changes I've made which will support the marriage and my BS. I've seen changes to me in some respects (no porn use, more professional attitude in work and other social engagements with women, the only sexual activity of any kind is with my wife, thoughts of wayward behaviour are no longer there, that sort of thing. These are however all internal. I struggle with doing the most basic things. I've lied for so long and been defensive for so long that I struggle breaking this default position, it's insane really. Only this morning, I was awoken by BS at about 02:00 who had a question about wayward behaviour I had. We've agreed that she can ask a question at any time, especially if she is having a sleepless night. She asked a question and I immediately defaulted to minimising and telling the bare minimum so the question would "go away". I need help in changing this.

We have a list of things I need to do to make BS feel special and feel I'm actually in this relationship. Some things are one off and others are daily activities. Even having this list to hand I don't achieve everything. I'm trying to understand why I still screw up constantly.

There's no magic formula for getting your BW to believe you. A polygraph may help. I can't remember if you've ever discussed it. Simple questions like "Are you knowingly hiding information about your affairs" and "Have you disclosed all APs to your BW" can cover a lot of ground. And if you're afraid of those questions, there's a reason, one that you may be hiding even from yourself. You need to look at that with the clearest eye you can manage.

I've said several time to BS I will take a poly, this was in arrogance as there were thing is was hiding. Some of this intentionally and occasionally a memory would trigger and I would remember something. I still need to keep working and I do not believe I have uncovered everything I've done and certainly will all the previous lies I have told BS and myself, I don't know what is true any more. The work I need to do is extensive given how bad I've been in the past. Understanding why and how as well as the steps/justifications I made in becoming wayward is very much ongoing. As I said, I'm working with a FWS on here to get my head out my arse.

I still self-audit by looking at whether a poly would make me nervous. I've had to do it multiple times. I was sure I could have passed a polygraph two years ago, and yet I've had to disclose new information as recently as two months ago. Not anything enormous like another affair or additional sex acts, but an affectionate gesture shared with the OM that I downplayed in my timeline to make myself less complicit.

This is kind of where I am. I was sure I would pass, now I know I would have failed. New information is being disclosed all the time at the moment. Having minimised and told BS only limited information previously and looking into feelings and buildup can only trigger more memories and honesty. I mentioned hitting rock bottom on a few occasions. I don't know if I've got there yet. I would have told you a year ago I hit hit my lowest point, but I've had a few this year, the most recent being a week ago. Each of these change me and result in what I think are improvements in me. I'm learning to work with emotions and allowing these to flow through me in a constructive manner and not to let them out as anger. Again, this improvement is slow and anger still comes. Only this morning did anger come out and then I hid my emotions and was calm when I wanted to cry. I had to almost physically force myself to stop repressing my feelings.

Once again, I've put us back to square one. Additionally there are personal issues impacting our respective families that are causing pain, upset and stress. My BS cannot deal with all of this. I need help in helping myself.

This is kind of where I am. I was sure I would pass, now I know I would have failed.

Well, this is the really disturbing part. I know I would have passed. I wasn't deliberately lying. When I wrote that timeline, it was a completely sincere effort. I was battling a lifetime of self-protective bullshit, and there were several big revelations in that vault that demanded courage and focus. I needed all my battery power to shine a light and drag out what I was seeing. Some things stayed in the corners, so vague and dimly lit that I could write them off as shadows. When I came back and looked again with a fully recharged flashlight, the vault was sufficiently empty that I could see what I'd left behind. The difference is that where I once would have clicked the light off and sighed in relief that there was "nothing there," now I knew I had to collect everything up and bring it out in the sunlight to disinfect. And sometimes, when you get it out, you see how much bigger and sharper and rustier it is than you allowed yourself to believe in the dark.

I would not blame any BS, including my own, for feeling that this is too high a price to pay for R. I've seen many assertions that anything less than 100% honesty on D-Day means an instant divorce. I validate that -- trickle truth is a traumatizing experience that I've witnessed firsthand (and as a madhatter, I even got a steaming helping on the receiving end). That being said, I would be on the cut list for a BS with that policy. I could not get it all out in one go. It's not limited to my affair history, either. I've had the same experience with the memories of childhood sexual abuse. I'll remember something, and I'll think, "Holy shit, how could I have forgotten that," and my brain will respond, "You didn't forget. It's been coming to light for months now, by slow degrees, and today was the day that it was bright enough for you to see."

I worry that in telling my story, I'm putting a weapon in the remorseless liar's arsenal. "See, even BSR says I'm not lying, I just forgot. You ought to forgive me, because it's not my fault." Nuh-uh, Skippy. In case it's not clear, I'll say it again: there is no Get Out of Jail Free card for lying. You still did what you did, and that makes you an unsafe partner. Telling the truth belatedly can mitigate that, but only partially, and not at all if you get caught instead of being proactive. I was shaking in my boots when I did a periodic self-audit and found that minimization. I was fucking terrified, not just of the consequences, but of myself and what my wayward brain is capable of. I'm being honest here for other WS who are facing their brokenness and feeling alone in it. I can't think of anything smaller or more contemptible than using that as a tool to manipulate a betrayed spouse's faith.

I have a sense that you're making a real effort, Bulcy. I'm not infallible, and you could be bullshitting me, but I'm willing to take the risk. I know how hard it is to hate yourself and protect yourself simultaneously, to long for authenticity and vulnerability and yet to bring out your inner asshole in fear of of letting your defenses down. You can be better. Hang in there.

Thanks you for everything you say and do.

A self audit...Am I right in assuming you literally sit down with yourself and work through EVERYTHING? Look at the affair(s) again. Ask what have I told myself and what is really there? How did you manage to get through the defensive barriers? My ability to compartmentalise is/was extreme. Every aspect of my life had it's own little box. I believed that these boxes would never impact on one another as long as I did not open more than one at a time...Does that makes sense? It's clearly not true, what is compartmentalised in my head is causing a tornado of shit around me. As I've said and it's been pointed out to me by BS and people on here, I don't even know what's true any more. I keep deep diving into my time line, but is this the right approach? Minimisation is a big issue. I keep deciding what information is relevant and what is not important. I know it's not for me to decide. It seems to be a default cover my ass, on stupid shit sometimes too!

How do you get your head out your ass long enough to do the audit, understand and then keep your head from popping back in again after?

I keep thinking I'm doing better or starting to get it and then I let myself and BS down by falling back on old ways, defensive behaviour or quick snappy answers, both signs of wayward behaviour. I worry I will be this way forever. I'll always be a wayward, don't get me wrong. I hate the thought of always being wayward...Again, does that make sense?

As I've said and it's been pointed out to me by BS and people on here, I don't even know what's true any more.

I understand this, too. Here's a comment I made on someone else's thread almost three years ago. (She was going through a "years later" disclosure just a few steps ahead of me, and I'll always be grateful to her for directing my focus and making me feel less alone.)

Even after I committed to the full truth, I couldn't be sure I was delivering it. "What did I say then? What did I do next? I think I did this, but that makes no sense. Does it make no sense because I'm remembering wrong, or does it make no sense because all rational thought processes were suspended during the A? I swear I'm trying to tell the unvarnished truth, but is the truth I'm telling really just a lie I sold myself long ago? I need to be sure! I need to be sure because the TT has given me no credibility at all, and I'm not going to get another chance. But I'm not sure. I can't remember. How can I not remember something that important? Is it gone forever, or just not something I'm ready to see?"

It's all my own fault, of course. I'm not making excuses for the circumstances. But boy, do I identify with not being able to know if I'm speaking in an authentic voice, even when I'm 100% committed to telling the truth.

One of the tricky things about memory is that it is an active process. Our brains don't pull memories out like books off a shelf; we recreate them every time we attempt to access them. For this reason, some of the memories we trust the most (because we've called them up so often and kept them "fresh") aren't necessarily more reliable than dormant memories. We may have altered them slightly each time.

Am I right in assuming you literally sit down with yourself and work through EVERYTHING? Look at the affair(s) again. Ask what have I told myself and what is really there?

Yes, but in fairness, this was easier for me because I had a single affair in a single box. I don't have personal experience on how to a manage a pile of boxes all at once.

You raise some interesting thoughts there. One of many things I have to consider I guess.

Getting out of the affair fog was difficult as there were a load of self lies and justifications in there. Ranging from I think I loved her, It's harmless flirting, we're just friends, there was no intention, we were work colleagues and having a bit of a laugh, just like I would with one of my guys colleagues. All of this ignoring the other huge factors of multiple calls, texts, e-mails etc...Stuff I did not do with male colleagues. Then there was the flirting and suggestive messages. Cutting the calls off before I got home, not mentioning her in everyday conversation all signs of hiding a relationship. All these lies and justifications, this is making the discovery of why more difficult.

Am I right in assuming you literally sit down with yourself and work through EVERYTHING? Look at the affair(s) again. Ask what have I told myself and what is really there?

Yes, but in fairness, this was easier for me because I had a single affair in a single box. I don't have personal experience on how to a manage a pile of boxes all at once.

An upsetting point to make. You're right though, I need to unpack them all and this could help find more of my mindset and my whys. Only recently have I started to try and see patterns in my behaviour or an escalation in what I did. I think one of the most important things I'm doing again is reaching out to you guys to call out my bull shit. In reaching out to the other poster I'm looking for guidance on my self discovery with the support of someone who had been there and done it. I was tempted to try and use them to give me answers that fit...I mean really tempted, but BS would see through this and I would not gain any benefit/insight from doing it...Also I would lose any "respect" they have for me.

To any mod, can you please remove the stop sign?

The stop sign has been removed BS members may now post on this thread.

I read through your post and would like to make one suggestion for you to move on:

A great way to get someone to believe what you say about the past is by being consistent in the present and the future. Not only consistent about your past but be consistent about your daily actions and your future actions (as far as you can control them).

Focus on yourself and your healing rather than on fixing your wife or your marriage. Those two become a byproduct of personal healing and as you get momentum on your journey they will follow.

In AA they use the 12-step program to build up recovering alcoholics. The 12-step isn’t addiction based – you don’t have to be a boozer or crack-head to benefit from it. It’s rather a relatively simple to implement process that helps people with a track-record of bad decisions to reach stability. Parts of the 12-step is the making amends (a great inventory on your shortcomings and cleaning up your past) and self-honesty. If you can follow the principles you can establish a life where your word becomes your bond – and thereby establish the basis for a better relationship.

I said in my OP that I would add an account of another affair.

I wrote this including names of AP and BS (now replaced with AP and BS) as well as "friends" who were involved in the affair and they're given an initial.

I knew her before the affair started through friends of mine. We had met on a couple of occasions when I went out for a drink with a male friend from University. I did like her at this early stage and although we barely talked, at this time I was not interested in sleeping with her, but I thought she was nice. I got the impression she liked me also as she was pleasant to me and did make an effort to speak to me. In time, she moved in with my friend and his girlfriend. I was seeing my friend quite regularly but was happy that she was moving in with them as he was quite boring at times and her being there gave me someone else to talk to. When she moved in, it was not long before I felt that I wanted to be more than friends and I would make an effort to see if she had the same feelings. I enjoyed her company and we would have fun together making jokes at the expense of my friend. She seemed to take a shine to me and every time I visited she would make an effort to come and speak to me or sit with everyone. I liked this attention and would make an effort to visit more often. I had decided that I liked her and wanted to pursue a possible sexual encounter. I wanted to make sure that she felt the same before I made any move on her. In may wayward behaviour before and after this affair I tried to check to see if they were interested in me before I made any move. Maybe, I did not want to be rejected? I spent more time with her when I visited M, I would sit next to or near her when the opportunity arose. I would try and make physical contact with her. On one occasion I remember putting my arm around her and M, but more pressure was put on her shoulder. She did not resist any of these moves and indeed made some of her own. She challenged me to an arm wrestle one evening, I won this and she commented on how strong she thought I was. This made me feel good, even if it was obvious that I was going to be stronger. I wanted to sleep with her and felt she thought the same.

I went round one evening to see them and was offered a drink, I was told they were in the fridge and to help myself. As I was walking to the kitchen, she stood in my way and said that I could only have a beer if I could get past her. I grabbed her round the waist in a kind of rugby tackle and pushed her into the kitchen. I held onto her grappling even after we had made it into the kitchen, she smiled at me and again said how strong she thought I was. Her body language was open and friendly every time I went to see her. I was still reluctant to make the first move, but I thought I had made it obvious that if she were to make a move on me this I would be interested. The previous affairs I had taken a similar approach and waited for them to make a move on me. I think I wanted them to make the first move as an excuse, I could tell myself it was them who started the affair and this would in some way make it not my fault. There was some level of deniability. Any story I could tell myself that excused any responsibility I would use. I thought I would spend more time getting to know her, letting her talk to me about her life and her aspirations. This was with a view to trying to make her think I was interested in her rather than interested in sleeping with her. We spoke about her wanting a better job and wanting to move out from living with M and F. She saw this as a temporary thing. I would agree with her about things she said in conversations even if I thought she was wrong. She would still be challenging he to arm wrestles and to wrestling matches. I was taking any opportunity for this and would intentionally say I was going to get a beer to get her to try and stop me. Additionally I was flirting with her and telling her she was great fun to be around. I said how much I enjoyed her company and how she would take this piss out of M. I was doing what I could to make her like me and to see me as this nice guy.

I was now sure that she was interested in me and I was looking for opportunities to be alone with her. I convinced BS to let me take her to a football game. She would be sat next to me and there would not be anyone else who knew us. It was a chance to spend time with her and to give her more indication about my intentions. While she was very close to me that day and did speak a lot about herself, she did not make any move on me this day. I was now at a point where I was going to make that move myself. M and F were open in their support of the affair even at this stage. They would encourage us spending time together. They did not like BS and would make comments on her being boring and never coming out. The reason for this was that a) I did not invite her and b) she was probably at work anyway as She worked two jobs as well as studying at University. I made no attempt to defend her and would agree if they said that she was not fun. I would make disparaging comments about having to go home. All this was both making her think I was in an unhappy relationship and a justification to myself. I was focusing on negative things in the relationship and not on the positive. Other than when M or F mentioned BS, she rarely came up in conversation as I was not going to bring her up. I guess the same applied to AP.

We went out one evening with M and F. We had a few drinks in a local pub and then went back to theirs. AP and I were flirting on the couch and play fighting. F said something like "Oh for gods sake just kiss" we looked at one another and did kiss. The kiss was passionate and we forgot M and F were there. I remember them getting up and leaving us. I moved my hand onto her leg and then onto her body. We were touching one another over clothes while kissing. This went on for a few minutes. She then undid my zip on my jeans and I moved my had up her skirt and pushed aside her underwear. She then moved so she could perform oral sex on me. I was still trying to touch her while she was doing this. I decided that I wanted to remove her clothes so we could have penetrative sex. I tried to undo her top, but she pushed my hand away. I was surprised by this. I tried again and she stopped me again. This time she stopped performing oral sex and looked at me. She said that we were not going to have sex. That she would not sleep with me while I was still with BS. I was angry at this, and I guess it showed in my face. She apologised. I did up my jeans and left soon after once I had calmed down a little. I do not know where this came from as she was having sex with me already. I don’t really know why F said what she did either. I can only assume that she had got frustrated at the flirting and wanted us to move onto the next stage, it is likely also that AP had spoken to her about wanting to be with me. I was annoyed that she stopped doing what she was doing and that she was trying to force my hand.

The next time we met was a bit awkward. I sat with M and did not give her my usual level of attention. This did not last long and I was soon trying to sleep with her. I decided to change my approach and let her think I was considering my options. She was looking for a new job and I agreed to help her with the application process and also would tell her that I though she was suitable for the role. We would still make comments about M and as we were both working at the time we would talk about careers and working for a living. We were invited for a meal out and this time I invited BS. I sat next to AP and we were playing footsie under the table and I had my hand on her knee on occasion. Fay mentioned a new bloke who was on the scene who was interested in AP. I don’t know if this was me or whether they had made this guy up to make me jealous. I was challenged that night by BS about the affair and my feelings for AP. I denied anything was going on.

Soon after this we went out again, this time without BS. AP and I were sat next to one another and we were flirting and touching under the table. I got up to got to the toilet and she followed me. We kissed in the pub and I suggested that we take this back to hers as I wanted to take this further. Once again she said no, not while I was with BS. Again I got annoyed and finished my drink and headed home.
A couple of days later I got a call from F saying that I needed to make a decision. That It was not fair that I was playing AP along and that she was willing to ditch this new guys for me. However that if I was not going to leave BS then things would be over. I told F I would think about it. I wanted her and felt that I could make things work with AP. I had convinced myself that I was not happy in my relationship with BS and that things could be better with AP. This was not true and the relationship I had with BS was not bad. I did not give this any real thought and was convinced that I wanted to be with AP. F had mentioned on the call that I was welcome to move in with them. BS noticed I was distracted and challenged me on this. I told her that I thought I was in love with someone else. BS was upset and left the flat. I called AP saying I had left BS and that I would be round the next day as it was late. When I went round the next day, she opened the door and we kissed. We went to her room and discussed what was going on. She said I was welcome to move in with them and she hoped that this would be a temporary arrangement as she hoped we could get a place together. She had discussed getting her own place before and said that she would need someone else to move in with her to be able to afford it. She then smiled at me and I smiled back. I knew she mean me. We continued speaking about M and F and that they were happy I had chosen AP. After an hour or so we went downstairs. Later in the day my father phoned, I told him BS and I had split up and he mentioned something about the kitchen he had built in the flat. I don’t really remember what he said. I was in a bit of a daze.

After eating we went to bed and talked for a bit. I was feeling like the situation was wrong. I ignored this feeling as I thought that this was probably due to everything being new and I had just split from BS. I think deep in my heart I knew it was wrong and I had made a mistake. That night we had sex and she finished me orally bit did not climax herself. I soon fell asleep. BS phoned in the early hours of the morning. She begged me to come back, I told her I would come back to the flat in the morning.

The next morning, I went back to the flat and we spoke. I agreed that I would go away and think about what I wanted. As I did this I called AP to let her know what was going on. I thought at the time she deserved to know what was happening. I drove to Southampton and found a hotel, I spent the night there and thought about what I wanted and that I knew what I had done was both wrong and that AP was not the person I wanted to be with. I spent the next night at a friends house. He had been there for me during the breakup of my previous relationship. I spoke with him for a few hours and we had a couple of drinks. I used this more as an attempt to clear my head.

I went home and told BS that I had chosen to stay with her and that I knew I had made a mistake. We agreed that I should tell AP and I said I wanted to do it in person. When I got to hers, she was upset with the news and made a move to kiss me. I backed away and she tried again to kiss me, this time I kissed her and we went upstairs to her room where we had sex. I felt awful immediately and told her this was a mistake. I said again that I was staying with BS and that we were over. I sat in my car trying to get control of myself. I thought that I could not tell BS what happened as this would be the end of us too. I decided that it would be best if I were to keep this a secret and just say that AP and I were done. I held this secret for years, the affair with AP would come up very occasionally and I would immediately trigger. I chose every time to keep this a secret and to never let anybody know.

My intention in this affair was like the others before, I wanted to sleep with her and I did what I could to make her want me. This involved manipulation and lies. I focused one getting what I wanted and so nearly got it. When my had was forced and I had to make a choice between a proper relationship with someone who loved me and someone I wanted to have sex with, I chose the physical act, even knowing this was the wrong thing. I remember trying to convince myself I loved her. All untrue. I knew it then and I certainly know it now. The times we were together did fell good, they were exciting. I think because of the illicit nature of everything that was going on.

ETA

The affair lasted about four months from when she moved in with my friends. During this time I decided that she was right for me and that I was willing to throw away a seven year relationship. While I knew what I was doing was wrong I still convinced myself that after such a short period of time and with relatively few meetings, I was willing to destroy the relationship I had built with BS to the point BS and I had bought our first property.