SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know how to cope with this. I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm totally lost I can't even think. All I know is that I feel like I'm dying, or wish I would.

wbg,

What is the timeline, I assume you cheated first and then you BH cheated once and then twice.

What was done to recover from the three affairs or were they rugswept?

Sorry to hear you are suffering wbg7. It would help us to help you if we knew your story. Tell us about your own affair(s), how that came about, how DDay happened, and what took place afterward that ended in your husband having revenge affairs?

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 1:45 AM, Wednesday, November 17th]

I cheated first. D-Day was 3 years ago. He has cheated several times since D-Day. I don't know if I have the full story. I have a hard time trusting that I do. He may have been cheating for the past 3 years. He says that is not true though... We were in MC for 2 years to deal with my infidelity. His was mostly rugswept...

Thanks, that's a good start. But it's mostly the end of the story, and mostly about him. In order to understand why he's revenging all over the place, it would help to know the first part of the story. This isn't about judging you, it's about understanding what the heck happened so we can offer advice that is relevant to your situation.

You said you cheated 3 years ago (or at least, d-day was three years ago). Let me ask you some direct questions, maybe that would help to get started.

1) Why did you cheat in the first place? What was going on in your life and marriage at the time?
2) Did you have one or more affairs? How long were they?
3) Did you confess or get caught?
4) Was there more than one d-day?
5) What happened afterward? Are you still living together? Any talk of R or D?
6) Did your husband tell you he was going to have an RA, or did he just start doing it?
7) You said you are in MC. What does the MC say about what's going on?

I'm hesitant to share too much...

1) I wanted out, or at least thought I did. Wanting out came first. I met my former AP after those feelings started.
2) I had one affair. It was off and on for 3 years.
3) I was caught.
4) My husband confronted me and I lied a lot. Then I trickled out the truth for a month. Then told him everything.
5) My husband filed for divorce and initiated the separation process. We were separated for 5 months. Then we started "dating" and moved back in together 6 months later. He has gone back and forth on R or D for the past 3 years.
6) He told me that he was going to have the RA's.
7) We were seeing a MC but we are not currently. The MC did know about his past RA's.

Wbg7,

Why do you stay? I think our guilt sometimes puts us in the frame of mind that we are undeserving of being treated with even the most basic civility afforded to humans. This isn't trauma response. This is abuse.

What is stopping you from placing a firm boundary on this and saying enough is enough?

Wbg7

As hypocritical as it may sound, just because you cheated doesn’t give your BH license to do the same. Too often WS will fall on their swords and accept anything the BS does simply because they feel they deserve it.

Certainly there should be consequences for your actions, up to and including divorce. But abuse isn’t part of that equation. If your BH wants to go out and fuck other women, let him do it as a single man.

Infidelity is a form of extreme abuse,on all levels. You abused him,severely. And now he is abusing you,severely.

When will it end? If he isn't interested in stopping, you will need to put an end to it.

I'm hesitant to share too much...

Why is that? What are you worried might happen if you share too much?

Two quick things:

First, I agree with the others that it sounds like you two are just sort of in an "abuse loop" right now. This doesn't sound anything like "R" to me, it sounds like a nightmare. I think the question of "why are you even staying" is a good one. You don't have to tell us if you don't want to, but at least make sure you know for yourself. If you are hoping that this might one day work out, well... I just don't see how if things continue as they currently are. I'd strongly suggest having a frank conversation with your husband (as long as you feel safe to) and decide as a couple to either put some work into this, or just split and stop hurting each other. It's helping no one.

Second, regardless of how the relationship ends, YOU need to get into IC if at all possible. Please don't be okay with allowing yourself to live like this. I'm not talking about the relationship, I'm talking about being a person who was okay with cheating at one point, and who is now okay with being abused. Something about you doesn't seem to reflect that you deserve better, not from him, but from yourself. Pretend this was a best friend or loved one... what if they came to you and said that there spouse was openly cheating on them? What advice would you give them? Would you tell them that sounds lovely? Or would you suggest they get the hell out NOW? Think about that, and then ask yourself why you aren't giving yourself the same advice and chances at happiness?

Look, I'd love nothing more than see your marriage saved, we all would. And it still might. I'm not saying to give up. But I am saying, "this is NOT the way that's likely to happen". I'm not a mad-hatter and so it is hard for me to comment or advise on those kinds of situations sometimes. I hope some other MH's jump in here with some advice. But for now... find some way to bring some peace into your life. Because this sounds like it's killing you.

BS here, no stop sign.

2) I had one affair. It was off and on for 3 years.

I would count this as several affairs with the same person.

Regardless, I don't understand why staying married would be beneficial at this point. You have hurt one another on multiple occasions, and some intense therapy (individual on both sides) may be what it takes.

Do you still love him? Why did you stay initially?

And I agree, your choice to cheat does not make it ok for him to do the same, I'm sorry.

No stop sign so would like to say something as a BS.

This is heartbreaking. Yes you hurt him immensely with 3 year multiple affairs albeit with the same AP, and it was abuse, simple as, but his behaviour now is an act of ongoing punishment and abuse that he thinks he's justified doing. It's not justified at all.

You both need to make a decision if you want to be together and, if you do, then you both need IC to fix yourselves before any MC would be worth doing. It's a long, long road and if you both can't travel it together then it's time to take the next exit and find your new path in life.

Good luck.

I had one affair. It was off and on for 3 years.

IMO, this is a single, long term A (aka LTA), the "off & on" is irrelevant (at a minimum, even if they had an "off" time [and we don't know if "off" means only the sexual aspects or pure NC], the door was open to turn it back "on" when something [communication if NC, or opportunity] presented. IOW, it was always on the stove, even if only on the "back burner" ).

wbg7 - what is it that you want? Sounds like your MH spouse wants to continue in infidelity. Unfortunately, you can't control that (which I suspect you are well aware).

So, if we can't control others, we have to figure out what we want and then control that. Personally, I'm in the "what's love got to do with it" camp... I "love" many people, yet have to keep them at a distance (or be NC altogether) bc the relationship just doesn't work for / is not healthy for ME (IME, easier said than done).

5) My husband filed for divorce and initiated the separation process. We were separated for 5 months. Then we started "dating" and moved back in together 6 months later. He has gone back and forth on R or D for the past 3 years.

I'm a little confused by this. When did your husband say that he was going to have the RAs? Were they during the 5 month period of separation, during the 6 month "dating" period, or after you moved back in? Does he "break up" with you around the time of these RAs or does he just go for it?

You both need IC. You have to deal with why you cheated on your husband for three years. The fact that you thought you wanted out is lame. You had three years during your affair to leave but didn't do it. On top of that, you agreed to return to the marriage after the eleven-month separation.

Affairs have serious consequences and ultimately lead to divorce in most cases, especially long-term affairs. Your husband is out of control. He sounds like he is intent on revenge with no end to stop his cheating in sight. He definitely needs IC to deal with his destructive behavior.

If there are no children, why in the hell are the two of you still interested in saving this mess of a marriage? He wants to torture you and you don't know what to do about it? If there are children it is time that the two of you have a "come to Jesus" moment to address his behavior. It must stop now. You must tell him that if it doesn't stop now, you will end the marriage once and for all. Mean it. You have no choice unless you are willing to accept his horrible behavior.

If a truce can be reached, both IC and MC should be the next step. But if the hurt and anger run too deep, end it even if there are children. You were separated eleven months and that seemed to not do any good.

It doesn't sound like the marriage was worth it in your mind for quite some time. Why is it so important to save it now?

[This message edited by src9043 at 7:40 AM, Thursday, November 18th]

BS here.
This may be tough, but if you won't talk about yourself, lets talk about his affairs and yours.

First yours. It was a 3 year affair. Not off ever. He will never know that you didn't talk for a month, then suddenly started back up again. Especially if you trickle truther. You have proven you can lie, so he will believe those white knuckle months were just there for you to convince yourself you are a good wife before going back to the AP. Kind of patronizing him. From the surface, it kind of says you are still trying to down play your affair. I bet there was more and that is why you are tolerating this abuse. You think you are holding onto the last thing that would force him to leave, so you will put up with this and wait it out. It is never going to end by waiting it out unless the affairs are addressed.

Are his affairs (they can be different) more quick ONS style or ongoing relationships?
This speaks to whether he is having affairs out of a sense of justice (Balance/Revenge. Trying to hurt you back to get even.) or because he is mad/sad at himself for accepting the affair? (He feels he should have done more or deserves more love because you took out from the relationship, he thinks he can pull in others to fill in his whole of feeling like his love is worthless than yours.)
I ask this because those are 2 entirely different people I am describing above. Who would need entirely different ways of handling their pain from your side.
I think IC is recommended because IC is like pizza. It is good for everyone to have some. But you need some advice on how you handle the situation. It sounds like leaving him is not an option, so lets talk about opening up some healthy dialogs, but you need to give us a little more information.
Stay strong through this.