SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I pick great friends. Interesting, genuine, brave, reliable, accomplished, self-actualized, generous, and hilarious friends. But I chose serial cheaters to partner up with. I also made sure to invest several years in them. I preferred ones whose emotional maturity never progressed past the age of 15. Their inner demons rumbled close to the surface in a way that could easily be mistaken for flatulence.

Of course, I was going to be Ms (and even Mrs.) Fix-It which was evidently my dream job. Turns out these man-boys had their own tools for self-soothing when that old friend “I’m just not happy” came calling. They fed those untamed beasts with other women. Assclown even skipped off hand-in-hand with what’s-her to the misty lands of everything is all better now.

The last time I stood up from being a sobbing pile of bones on the floor, I decided to see if I could flip hurt and hate on its head - changing the narrative loop set on replay in my own brain. Instead of feeling like my life had gone to shit and they were off flitting and prancing about in ever-unicorn loo-loo land, it was time to get real and tell a tale of true lurve for our star-crossed soulmate…things.

• The first item of business is to have a kind of debutante ball, introducing our couplet into polite society. Make sure to hire a clown or bouncy house. Spin lots of yacht rock – Steal Away by Robert Dupree or The Pina Colada song are both crowd favorites. Lay Lady Lay is always a winner when a DJ hired from the roller rink calls for couples only. (Bonus points because it includes the lyric “You can have your cake and eat it too”)

• Don’t forget to paint overpasses, carve initials into trees, and appear on the kiss cam. Win stuffed animals at the fair or have a 9 ½ weeks moment in front of the fridge (applies only if someone remembered to grocery shop).

• Also, while at the carnival, make sure to put your hands in the back pockets of each other’s jean shorts as you stroll the Midway. Matching air-brushed T-shirts make a beautiful souvenir.

• As to how they met – either quote one of the above songs or emphasize how “it just happened.” Both of them happened to be walking down the same street when one tripped and just fell onto the other’s genitals. Whoopsie Daisies!

• Crowd the first bookshelves they’ve ever owned with self-help best-sellers they’ve actually read. Some are even highlighted with lots of pretty colors. They go to couples counseling and tell the truth.

• Their life plan consists solely of “being together.”

• No one ever apologizes because, you know, Love Story.

• Real life never intrudes. No one ages, gets sick, loses a job, or has a loved one die. They also don’t have to pay bills, cook dinner, or launder each other’s funky underwear. They adore all the in-laws.

• They will never cheat on the other because of that soulmate thingy. A little flirting. Or just kissing. Maybe 3rd base in a parking lot. But no cheating. And no one ever gets traded in for a new model…

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.

-William Shakespeare

(Anyone else got some snark to add to the list? )

[This message edited by Chili at 9:49 PM, July 29th (Thursday)]

Oooh don't forget about exchanging stuffed animals (yeah the narwhal plushie ap gave my xwh miiiiight have ended up at the end of the shooting range).

Oh and they have to make sure to declare their undying love at least 5 times a day in between sending poetry and selfies to each other (like for reals? I'd expect that from an 18 yo, but a 37 yo dewd? Smdh)

AP must get fired from the job whereshe and xwh work for (and I quote) "continually dry-humping each other during work hours". Thus injecting a forced separation in their luuuurrrrve (a la every romantic comedy ever).

During said separation, ap must find a new "love of her life" within 3 weeks (back before I blocked her std-riddled ass, thank you fb).

Can I just say that you two are the most hilarious and amazing fellow travelers on this shitty path?

add in the special knicknames for each other (barf)

Don’t forget the cutesy references to “their special moments”…..

And last but not least, don’t forget the emails that your spouse reads finding out that the cheating spouse is planning a D — you know so the “lovebirds” can sail off into the sunset and Iive happily ever after.

What my cheating H didn’t know is that he’d be so broke after alimony and child support there would be no “party” lifestyle with the crazy tattooed drama Queen OW.

And his time on the weekends would be spent with his kids — without the OW.

Their fairy tale life would never happen. Their fantasy would be nothing more than a delusion.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:38 AM, July 30th (Friday)]

Don't forget to buy the WW a crown because you called her your queen. Like it was some prom movie.

Credit cards? No problem! Just rack it up and stop paying them. There is no such thing as debt in fun fantasyland! (Collections called me yesterday for XWW, not my debt or problem but I always kindly pass along any and all information for them)

Just need a day off? Take it! Sneaky business sometimes needs to happen during working business hours. True lurve must not get in the way of normal business hours.

Don't worry about the kids! At home there is a wonderful dedicated loyal Spouse taking care of all that. You just have fun!

Don't forget to have long and involved conversations about how important honesty is in a relationship and how your relationship is so wonderful because it is so honest and authentic.

Cat

And just to add……

Delude yourself into thinking a 30yo OW is just so in love with you as you turn 50 and have your midlife crisis affair. So cliche.

She saw $ and was ready to jump at the chance of stepping into my shoes. While my H would be broke from Alimony and child support.

My H now admits most of his friends would never have accepted her. But at affair time he was convinced they would all “love” her b/c he loved her.

And yes while he traveled all over the world for his job and I was home managing everything - and never complained — he blamed me for his unhappiness and cheating!!

There is no logic to any of this!

Don't forget the gondola trip down "Sexually Transmitted Disease River", complete with a crab serenading the star-crossed lovers as they navigate through Gonorrhea Falls, the Syphilis Rapids, the Herpes Hills, and all the other memorable STD's. At the end of the ride the raft enters the "Love Doctor's Office", where they get "Love Shots" and "Love Biopsies" to make sure their junk doesn't fall off.

How romantic!!!!

Don’t forget to add in the Best Actor/Actress Award in the role of “my spouse was so horrific I had no choice but to have an Affair” !!!!

Award winning performances that didn’t take long to master. Everyone completely believed the cheater’s Marriage was terrible! The worst! Unimaginable suffering!

Most lines or scenes taken right from the Cheater’s Manual too. So highly unoriginal too

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:54 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

Y'all are hilarious.

99problems: When I discovered more than one AP and took myself to get tested, I met with assclown to tell him the news and that I was done. As a little passive-aggressive move, I refused to tell him which STIs he had given me. As far as I was concerned, that was none of his business any longer. He went ballistic - throwing things around and demanding an answer. I told him maybe he and his latest girlfriend could go on a little date to the free clinic together. Maybe even out for ice-cream after. Totally romantic. (I was so proud for once that I actually thought of some snark in the moment).