Blew up the 180 big time.
I'm at my parents' place in another city for some personal work. H was here on work as well and was staying at a hotel. Had to go meet him at the hotel for some official stuff.
I had been planning on a solo vacation next week. He had been asking me to go with him (both of us are desperate to go traveling as (hopefully) COVID is easing up in our country) & I had refused.
In a moment of weakness, I agreed to go on vacation with H if a common female friend also came along so that I have to spend as little time as possible with him. Contacted the friend to set up the itinerary.
Then H went in for a shower leaving his phone behind. Against my better judgement, I scrolled through his messages. Some nonsense from a woman , nothing serious, just a little too familiar I thought. Questioned him about it. He told me she was HR from his previous org. Checked in linkIn , no such person exists in his previous org. Then he lied about meeting a female school friend of his at a mutual friend's house (I'm 200% sure there's nothing suspicious there).
Basically, he'll lie about talking to or meeting ANY female now since his crazy wife will accuse him of carrying on with her (he didn't exactly say so but that's the whole attitude).
So, I brought up all the DDays again, shouted at him, sobbed, H shouted back, refused to give me his phone etc. etc. I kept saying that I was tired of all the lies and that I wasn't going to be ok until I knew the whole truth. H stonewalled me as usual. Told me he knows I'm going to leave him. Was totally cold about the whole thing. (This guy has scores of people (male & female)--- colleagues , friends, clients etc. who think the world of him --- I really want to call them up and ask why...)
We were to go the airport together as he was heading back home and then the car was to drop me back to my parents' place. He insisted that I take a separate car home but I wasn't done fighting yet , so went to the airport with him. Calmed down in the car & just decided to ignore him instead.
Anyway, told him that I'll be going on my vacation alone as planned earlier.
Now I'm left feeling thoroughly ashamed of myself for losing my cool and for crying in front of H
I also want to tell him that I know that the woman I saw the text from was not from his original org. But that would be pointless and against the 180, right ?
I don't know why I keep showing him how much I still hurt. I think it just makes him look at me in contempt. Also, he keeps shouting that I bring out all the other DDays anytime something triggers me.
I hate the suspicious, snooping woman I've turned into. At 54, I should have better self-control.
Anyway, hopefully by end Sep, I'll have a job and relocate. And I can be done with this bull-shit.
I feel so insignificant . After 35 years together , seeing me so miserable should upset him at least a little, right ?
Great !, now I'm drowning in self-pity as well
