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Newest Member: ConstantlyConfused

Wayward Side :
Tainted

Topic is Sleeping.
stop

 disgustedbyme (original poster member #58046) posted at 1:49 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

My BH says that he will forever see me as tainted. We were high school sweethearts and each other's first and only. My affairs were sexting with one kiss. I haven't had physical sex with another man but with the amount of lies I told for years there are times that my BH doesn't believe me. He has said that I am tainted in his eyes and heart. How can I support my husband? I see the pain and destruction I have caused. I want him to heal.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2017
id 8662741
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 5:58 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Your husband will need to heal on his own, that's just how life works. You can't really help him, but you can take steps to not make things harder. But the best approach, in my opinion anyway, is to simply concentrate on yourself. Become a safer person for him to be around, and that safety may help to remove roadblocks for him.

In other words, you say you are a tainted person. But are you? Or were you? Did you do things that you now regret? The things you did in the past that you regret will forever stay that way, in that moment in time. But who are you today, and moving forward? Are you tainted for all time and with no ability to change? Or can you choose to be a better person, someone safer, someone with respect and dignity and accountability and integrity and honesty and empathy and vulnerability?

The real trick, after infidelity, is to stop viewing the marriage as something that still exists. It doesn't. Maybe on paper, yes, but not in reality. And it shouldn't. Marriage cannot exist within infidelity.

The way past this is to stop looking backward at what failed, and instead look forward, to what can be better, what can be changed, who we want to be and how we want our relationships to be. We build something new, first in ourselves, and then together as a couple. If the marriage continues, it will be a new one.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1446   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8662815
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elKAPPYtan ( member #72085) posted at 9:20 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:22 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday)]

Me: 36 STBXWW: 36 DDay: Oct 3rd 2019

"You keep it in between the pages of the books you burn so no one gets to read" -Corey MF Taylor

posts: 160   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019   ·   location: MI
id 8664264
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AvoidanceIssues ( new member #78853) posted at 3:32 AM on Wednesday, June 2nd, 2021

elKAPPYtan has mentioned the only way that seems feasible.

posts: 25   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2021   ·   location: District of Colombia
id 8664359
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 disgustedbyme (original poster member #58046) posted at 12:02 AM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

I did take a poly several years ago and failed one question about the ap. The expert did state that I passed the question about not having physical sex. The fact that I failed one question caused even more (rightfully so) damage.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2017
id 8664591
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:36 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:34 AM, June 4th (Friday)]

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8664949
Topic is Sleeping.
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