SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been with my significant other for for four years, closer to 6 years if you want to count when we were together as kids. He has been a wonderful part of my life, to the point where we ran away together at age 15 and 16. We traveled together and we've always been madly in love. Basically a love story from the movies. We were separated by force and had a no contact order. We reconnected a few years later in secret and began dating again. We were still so in love with each other and already planned to move in together as soon as I graduated that following year. I broke away from my foster family completely due to their disagreement on our relationship. I continued to stay with him. We were beyond happy. He began starting his career and would be gone often. I was broken up at the time about the family and recently living in my car and I just made terrible decisions; drunk driving, drinking heavily, etc. I created a Tinder account (nothing happened with the account, I didn't even swipe anyone, just delete the app entirely) after I cheated on him on an obsessive coworker who was almost 10 years older than me. I felt disgusted with myself, and without my knowledge, my s/o knew. Before I was aware he knew, I began secluding myself more and more and honestly, I became mentally abusive. He continuously gave me chance after chance to tell him and I told him he was crazy and nothing had happened. For three years. He even quit his career at one point because he was scared I would cheat again. I never did but I began feeling more and more ashamed. Three years later (which was a few months ago), he finally called me out for it and I admitted to it, not very easily. It hurt me, but it hurt him more. I gaslit him for years, and I became the opposite of the person I was when we began dating. I would even "anonymously" post on reddit about the situation and our arguments. He found them and of course that broke his trust in me more. I don't even smile the same. I don't want to hurt him. He's cried in my arms and begged me to tell him why I did it. I still don't fully understand why I did it. I love him more than anything and he of course has a hard time believing me. We live together and we've argued countless times to where he's almost walked out on me. He has told me the only reason he hasn't is because he's in love with me, no matter how much he wishes he wasn't. I'm trying my hardest to make strides to show him I'm serious about healing this relationship. It's hard because I'm still so defensive of the situation. I haven't let him heal, but instigated him to leave. I don't know why because I'm in love with him. I don't even know if I want to talk advice with this, but more so just talking to someone about it without judgment...

You are acting in self preservation mode. That isn't uncommon but you really need to work yourself out of that state. Its destructive for him and your own well being.

And it starts with honesty. With him and getting really honest with yourself. Its hard to break down that wall. I know the pain all to well.

You have to ask yourself first, do you want to be in a relationship with him. If the answer is yes, then stop hurting him. You choose only yourself when you take your comfort above all else. And if you want to go about this the healthy way, its going take a lot of uncomfortable feelings on your end. You will have to step out of your comfort zone and do things you've never done before.

You've done significant damage to him far beyond your cheating. I cannot imagine the toll of years and years of gaslighting and mental abuse and how its effected him. Its staggering to contemplate. Its going to take a lot of work from both of you if he's ever going have a chance to recover.

You need IC and I would even suggest it for him. You need a qualified therapist to help you, I believe many of your core issues are in your FOO. You need better help than the what the internet can offer you. Nothing is going to change until you are ready for advice and counseling.

You can go from toxic partner to a safe one. But it has to start now. You have to take steps in that direction. Surviving infidelity is tough. The odds are against you. Thats just a fact for all of us. Maybe you can educate yourself on trauma brain, grief, things he is experiencing. Read in the Healing Library here too, find an article called Joseph's Letter. Prepare for what you are up against. The more you know the better.

You have mentioned all the things you've done wrong. I'm curious what you have done right if you are up for sharing. We can help you add to the positive things.