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I just learned a new word this past Sunday. "THOT".

It is what my younger daughter referred to her mom as when we were talking this past weekend. (I get her on the weekends).

I said "THOT? What is that?"

"It means 'That Ho Over There' dad... don't you know anything?" she answered perplexed.

I literally fell of the barstool I was laughing so hard. But then I noticed my daughter wasn't. She looked sad. She's really upset at her mom. And I wish I could help her, but the only one who can help her is currently the same person causing her pain. Poor kid.

I'm going to talk to her therapist about it, because she doesn't seem to be adjusting to the new normal of having divorced parents, and she hasn't processed her anger and her disappointment at her mom yet, because frankly her mom hasn't done anything to change our daughters' perception of her. Both girls are just disgusted with her.

That is funny, Westway. But not for your daughter. Poor girl. Good to go to the counsellor. The consequences of adultery ripple wide.

ETA: I wouldn't and didn't know what it meant either.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 1:48 PM, January 19th (Tuesday)]

Poor kid.

You can help her. Don't laugh at her mother being a whore. It will just make her shame deepen. While it may be her mom who is the whore, your daughter feels shame that that is her mother. And she loves her.

For a young lady to view her mother in this light speaks very poorly of her mother.

Is there a positive roll model(s) in her life that she can look up to and hopefully emulate?

I’m sorry your daughter is struggling with her mom and the horror that goes with those poor choices. She does need a therapist she connects with in order to process all of her conflicting emotions.

I must admit I did laugh at THOT. Giggle worthy for sure.

Well I did immediately apologize to her for laughing. I agree it was a dick move and not one of my better moments. The abruptness of it was just hilarious.

Unfortunately my daughter has few if none good role models, especially on her mom's side: just about every woman in my xWW's family is a Snookie-wannabe. I hate to say it, but my xWW was actually the most decent acting of all the women in that family of harpies. The women in my family are not much better. My mom is useless, and my sister lives too far away to have any meaningful contact with her niece.

Dude, you're so 1980-late. THOT is at least 6 years ago, if not 10.

My problem is, I cannot not agree with my daughter, if you know what I mean. She has a pretty good idea of what her mom is up to on the weekends when she is over at my place. She knows her mom has boyfriends... lots of boyfriends. So, it's just a tough situation overall. My greatest fear is that her young brain will normalize this behavior she sees, and that when she is older she will feel entitled to be promiscuous like her mom and treat men like objects. I'm going to talk to her therapist about this. And I may start looking for a new therapist. This girl who is seeing my daughter now is fresh out of grad school and she just doesn't seem too experienced.

[This message edited by Westway at 9:07 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)]

Dude, you're so 1980-late. THOT is at least 6 years ago, if not 10.

Brother, I didn't know what a MILF was until just a few weeks ago. I'm that unhip...

THOT, MILF, PAWG... Are there any other new acronyms I should know about?

[This message edited by Westway at 9:09 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)]

Teens these days have very highly developed sense of values about this type of thing. Way moreso than when I was a teen. I would be willing to bet your daughter knows exactly what her mother is up to, and is also quite judgmental about it. The "thot" comment didn't arise in a vacuum.

My 17 year old son had a much deeper line in the sand about what my ex was doing than I did. He didn't care so much that her sexual orientation changed as the fact that she cheated while married is what really bothered him. I don'r really expect them to have much of a relationship going forward.

Westway

Is there a positive roll model(s) in her life that she can look up to and hopefully emulate?

Unfortunately my daughter has few if none good role models, especially on her mom's side: just about every woman in my xWW's family is a Snookie-wannabe. I hate to say it, but my xWW was actually the most decent acting of all the women in that family of harpies. The women in my family are not much better. My mom is useless, and my sister lives too far away to have any meaningful contact with her niece.

A positive roll model doesn't have to be a family member although the mother/grandmother is probably most preferable.

The roll model can be a teacher, a woman in the church, neighborhood or even a woman in the public eye.

A positive roll model doesn't have to be a family member although the mother/grandmother is probably most preferable.

The roll model can be a teacher, a woman in the church, neighborhood or even a woman in the public eye.

I would say the most positive female she had up until covid was her H.S. soccer coach. I may call

this lady up and let her know what is going on and see if she might spend some time with my daughter.

Do you have access to an organization like Big Brothers Big Sisters? (I'm in Canada, not sure if it's the same in the USA).

My ex is a lousy father (kids haven't seen him since November, he texted our son "see you soon" on Christmas Day and we haven't heard from him since). I have my kiddos each a Big Sibling - a man for my son and a woman for my daughter. I got one for my daughter too because even though she has me as a role model (I hope!) a young person can NEVER have too many good role models in their life.

I think it's even tougher for the same gendered child that is missing a role model. Definitely look into finding some outside role models for her.

What the heck is PAWG?

My father was a decent guy, except for one trait. He was a mean drunk. The reason I'm telling you that is because of his behavior, I don't drink very much. We don't have beer/wine/liquor in the house. My father's behavior was so disturbing to me that I knew I would never allow myself to be that way.

Sometimes a bad example is a good example of how not to be.

NWA, I think it can go either way. See I think men think logically and objectively. We're problem solvers. You looked at your dad and said "I'm going to take steps never to become that."

I'm not sure that is the way it works with women. I think a mother's influence on her daughters is more psychologically insidious and under the surface.

twicefooled

What the heck is PAWG?

"Phat Assed White Girl".

A MILF is "Mom I'd Like to F*ck".

My xWW qualifies for all three: MILF, PAWG and THOT. That's why she is popular with the brothers. She had body issues as a teenager, and the only boys who paid attention to her were the black boys in school. So she grew to be more attracted to them than her white schoolmates because they were the ones paying attention to her and pursuing her.

She wouldn't openly date black guys because her dad and brothers are racists. She married me because I was going in a direction and I was safe, but she was never physically attracted to me (contrary to what she claims).

[This message edited by Westway at 4:32 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)]

Westway that is not true about girls taking after mom boys taking after dad. I think it's way more complex than that, and that's kind of a sexist way to think.

My daughter is very much like her dad in a lot of ways, just as I am like my dad in way more ways than I am like my mom. I think it really depends more on which parent your personality is like.

I'm picking up so much here. I now know what THOT and PAWG mean. I did know for a few years what MILF meant. I don't know that I need to know or will have any situation to use my new found knowledge.

As I said earlier, I probably would have laughed, too. It wasn't funny for your daughter, Westway, because it was real for her and a genuine description of her own mother. Painful that it accurately describes her mother for her.

The move to get her more counselling is a real good idea whether with the current counsellor or a new one. It is a burden for your daughter to feel about her mother this way even if it's true. I expect she feels shame for having her as a parent. She needs to know it doesn't reflect on her.

She has a pretty good idea of what her mom is up to on the weekends when she is over at my place. She knows her mom has boyfriends... lots of boyfriends.

Is your ex only doing this when it is not her weekend with your children? I am not sticking up for your ex, but it looks like your D is final and multi-dating is a popular thing. So she might not be doing anything wrong in that sense. HOWEVER, your D is very new and she should be very sensitive to how her daughter(s) feel about that, etc. I waited for YEARS (and YEARS) until I openly dated due to my children but everyone is different. You can't change what your ex is doing or does, just help your daughter work through it. Mainly by giving her that safe space (ie your place). A listening ear to help her deal with her feelings without judgment towards her mother, etc. THAT IS A HARD THING TO DO - I know!

My DS was seeing a school counseling during that same phase and I remember her saying that "Your DS knows EXACTLY what his father is....he has it all figured out...but it IS his father and a lot of pain and hurt is involved." I have been D over ten years and my children are still trying to merge it all.