Thank you for posting. It forced me to take a minute and look at the positives from this year, and not just all the crap.
Reflecting back it was a difficult year in some respects. I discovered I had massive pandemic anxiety - spending days freaking out and not doing well in general. I also discovered what it means to be together, like all the time. I was comfortable with that and enjoyed our moments doing small things.
I also had the anxiety. Anxiety of running out of basic supplies, anxiety around catching it and dying, my son catching it, etc. I couldn’t leave the house for months. It doesn’t help that when all the lockdowns hit in my state, my WH was out of state so I was managing on my own. I still have anxiety, but not nearly as bad as before.
I was not as comfortable with the being together all the time. I’m used to having the house to myself during the workday. Now I (mostly) think it’s great, and have appreciated having my WH home to help with homeschooling and such.
As far as personal growth, I realized this morning that I no longer obsessively check emails, phone records and such to see what he may be up to. I do check here and there on the easy to access things like Facebook messenger and life 360, but I don’t go out of my way to check. It’s not necessarily because I have a ton of trust in him, but because I trust myself more. He has been transparent with everything though, all electronics, which is good.
Also, I now fully and truly believe the affairs were not my fault. That there is nothing I could have or should have done to prevent them. It was all about him. I still struggle with this here and there, but at my very core I know this is true.
Also I realized how strong I am. I know if my marriage crumbles, I will be just fine. I’ll have to make changes I don’t want to make, but me and my son will be fine.
My WH have been closer in many ways, though honestly homeschool threatens to drive a wedge between all of us. My WH and I have very different views here. That has been a struggle.
I still struggle with whether or not I actually know everything and have trouble making peace with the idea that I may never know if I know everything.
I still worry about running out of toilet paper and getting Covid.
So I still have a ways to go, but feel like I’m moving in the right direction.
Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildrenTogether 13.5 years, married 12.5
First EA 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19. *ETA, contd an ea after dday for 2 yrs.