SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So things have gotten really bad, and I need to ask questions and get outside perspective.

I apologize if this is a little hard to focus on and get out, but things are very very bad right now.

Obviously its going to be very difficult to ask questions with out much background on what's going on her and all the particulars. However I believe with just one fact that 2 years ago I cheated, then dragged it out because I was being selfish and didn't know how or what to do

I cheated, I stole medication, and I drank not in excess, but to numb pain I was not in touch with enough inside to communicate or deal with. I lost a good job, I crashed my car, I ended up in a mental hospital for 10 days without any good just cause at least for the time after 72 hrs. I got her arrested because when she called the police one time we were fighting because she felt scared, I've never physically harmed her however in the heat of the emotion I was in here face and wasn't making anything better and my actions probably just goated her on.

Those are some of the bigger things that happed other than cheating that I have currently hanging over my head.

My moods lately have been all over the place due to stress no sleep, and constantly tormenting myself over what I did, I have yet to forgive myself on any sort of level for everything that I have ruined. I don't communicate this all the time, and still have been using a lot of easier routes to just get by instead of just doing the work.

I have had therapy through the VA and I was on and off of doing it because I wasn't making my appointments or being lazy on scheduling them. Even though I have been really down and dealing with not being able to motivate myself past the basic point of getting up going to work, and doing whatever I need to just to get up and do it again. I finally started to do things I needed to do appointment wise and after a month or two of not getting online to see my therapist i finally did.

things had been ok today, and when we got home and i had to get into my chat session she said she was going to give me privacy and she was going to do her own thing. I had my appointment and was catching my therapist up on the elapsed time. Once it was all done I came down and could tell my wife was upset. She had been listening on and off and thinks that my therapist is enabling me and though I was blaming everything on her. I got upset as that's not the case and any conversation that you don't hear in totality you can very easily misunderstand. We went back and forth a bit as I was getting upset at the fact she was judging based on incomplete information. She then wanted me to fill her in, and as I had not even begun to go over what I had talked about in my head I now had to try to rush though it. This didn't work and I got upset and said that I don't need to transcribe my therapy session.

I understand that tell her something is off limits or guarded after cheating is something horrible and I shouldn't do it. However I felt cornered and rushed to try to solve the problem. I know I should have just said Hey let me decompress and think about what I said so that I can better give you a representation of what was said so you don't have to feel like you are being blamed.

As far as therapy goes we did talk about this before, and with other therapist about asking about therapy and they said to give it time before either one of us share.

anger ensued and here we are she is hurt again and I'm of course the one who did wrong.

If anyone can maybe looks through some of this to help me better understand where things went wrong, other than all the things I already know I did wrong it would help a lot.

Thank you all.

She had been listening on and off and thinks that my therapist is enabling me and thought I was blaming everything on her.

Look, she's been cheated on, arrested, lied to, betrayed, and through all this pain and trauma being inflicted on her, by you, she probably had to still take care of things financially when you lost your job, and probably was the one that had to deal with you when you were in the hospital. I don't say that to be mean to you, rather, I want you to try and get out of your head, and get into hers. Understand that she's the victim here, and yet, her abuser is the one falling apart and asking for support from her. She's the one that was traumatized, not you. What you are feeling is shame and guilt, and those feelings are about you, not her. Again, not judging you, rather, observing and letting you know what I see.

You committed the ultimate betrayal against her, so in order to have any hope of reaching her, you will need to make her feel seen, heard, and cared about. You put effort into having the affair, now you need to put MORE effort (a lot more) into winning back her trust. More than that, you need to be willing sacrifice for her. She has sacrificed for you, and got kicked to the curb for it. That's not easy to get over. It sure doesn't help if she feels blamed by you on top of it all.

Her opinion needs to have more weight than your own right now. If she doesn't like the therapist, get a new one. Don't argue, don't explain, just do it, and thank her for her opinion. And think long and hard about how you see her, and what you did say to the therapist. Remember, she did not cause you to cheat, that was your decision, not hers. There could be problems in the marriage, of course, and those will need to be addressed at some point, but this is NOT the time for that. That will come later, much later. For now, you need to work on yourself, figure out why you allowed yourself to cheat, and figure out to be a safer person for her. And stop blaming her.

@DaddyDom

Thanks, No I understand that you are not trying to burn me or make me feel bad, I'm here because I feel bad and to fix the things that made me pretty much go nuts the past few years.

I am emotionally unstable right now, and it makes fixing things very difficult when im just trying my best to get up in the morning go to work and do what I need to make sure things are not falling into the ocean.

What I think i really need to learn is how to work on myself with out being or looking like I am being selfish. I have never been this broken in my life, and it scares me to think that at some point I could give up and just lay down and die so to speak.

I get the fact that if she feels that my therapist is putting me on the wrong path or being to easy on me for the things I've done, I am at a perplexing spot. Any therapist that I talk to will listen and give constructive criticism, and not chastise me for the horrible mistakes I've made because they I'm sure don't want to see me dive further into a state of despair. I'm searching for a how or way to get MY therapy that's for me to get better, and not make it be about me. Going to get therapy ultimately should be about you helping you, so you can be better to others right? I want her to feel comfortable with how im trying to get better. Like if my current therapist WAS helping me get better, but she just didnt like her should I give up that help? Right now im willing to do pretty much anything including just getting someone else to talk to so thats really a non issue, I would just like to wrap my head around the why, so its maybe easier for me to not think about it so much.

Thanks for reading,

I see it from a different side. The only, ONLY place where I feel a WS deserves privacy from a BS is therapy and therapeutic journaling. You have a terrible history of mental health issues leading to toxic behavior. You won't have the capacity to be a safe partner until you do some very foundational work on yourself, and you have to be able to trust your therapist with ugly, naked thoughts that may be painful for your BW to hear. Otherwise, how will your therapist help you reframe that thinking? If she's going to eavesdrop at the door, you're going to edit yourself, and the entire exercise becomes theater. It helps nothing.

If she can't respect that (and I understand her pain, and how hard it must be to restrain herself), then I think you guys may need some time apart. This work is not optional.

ETA: If she doesn't trust this therapist (and some truly do suck), maybe you guys could do a mutual search process until you find someone that both of you feel understands your history and your goals for the therapy. Then she might feel less vulnerable in respecting your confidentiality.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 9:05 PM, December 16th (Wednesday)]

she said she was going to give me privacy

She failed at extending privacy.

You deserve privacy during an individual counseling session.

Perhaps your mistake was in continuing to discuss your private session.

If she wants a joint session, and you are in agreement, book a joint session.

I agree with those who say IC needs to be and remain private.

It might be rightfully so to have privacy, but right now since I haven't been working that hard on bettering myself things are very emotional. She has the trauma stuck in her head and because of the fighting and bad behaviors she of course would want to listen and or be afraid. I will find another therapist, I am a bit limited right now because I don't really have the funds to pay for a private one, so I am going through the VA.

That being said that is what I'm going to do to try to disarm the conflict so that we can talk more on a relaxed level. I appreciate the advice, and I'm sure later on when things have gotten better I will have the ability to have my therapy semi private. I really don't need it totally private as she is my best friend and I do talk to her about anything. There is however a lot of things I need to process and deal with alone I guess and when I need to do that I am sure she will be ok with it.

as you can see things are lot more calm now, but I would still like any advice on good ways to help keep us in a much calmer zone.