SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First post, thanks for the space

I’m here to try to figure out why I’ve done the things I’ve done. I’m done with Being a WS and my BS has forgiven me and we are working on our marriage. I want things to work in the worst way. I’m happy she’s giving me the opportunity to fix things. I plan to read more than I post. I’ve got a lot of childhood issues and resentment, I’m not sure if that’s why I’ve done what I have but I’m done cheating I just need to develop healthy boundaries, and reassure her she’s the only one I want. Because she is and I love her

Thanks for letting me vent.

Welcome. You didn't give me much to go on to point out different resources that might help you, so it might help me and others if you give us a little bit of your story?

How long ago was your affair(s)? Longevity of them? How long have you been out of contact with them?

I am assuming you are in IC?

This is a fine first post if your BW isn't already here on SI. If she is, it reads like you're phoning it in with her as your audience. Either way, reading here a lot will help you, but if she asked you to post, you're going to have to step up in a much more detailed and significant way.

Hi and welcome.

I’m here to try to figure out why I’ve done the things I’ve done.

That's good and reading will help, but I've found that I've learned just as much if not more from the people who post here, both WS and BS. It would be helpful if we knew your story.

I’m done with Being a WS and my BS has forgiven me and we are working on our marriage.

Good. But being done cheating frankly is just the first step. What work are you doing to make yourself a safe partner? There are reasons you cheated. How are you going about identifying what those reasons are? You will need to do that in order to address them so that they don't influence your behavior. Are you in IC (therapy)? Is your BW?

We’ve been together since 1999, in 2006 was the first instance. Someone I worked with showed me a lot of attention and I guess I don’t know what I was thinking but I really liked the attention. Things obviously went too far and we ended up breaking up for that summer. I(we weren’t married at that point) I broke up with the ow and asked my now wife to take me back. She did obviously. We got married in 2012, and in 2014 had our only child. I was totally comfortable with how our relationship was, I was happy to be with her and didn’t have a single intention on stepping out. Fast forward to 2016, out of what I thought was nowhere she started treating me so cold, I mean ice cold. After two months of this I finally lost my mind and confronted her. She exploded and threw me out of the house in a fit of screaming and crying totally blindsiding me. Claiming she had a mountain of resentment because she never got to experience any of the things that she claims I did over all our years together. So totally devastated and having no idea what had just happened to me I went to my moms. I stayed there for a week before she asked me to come home. But while I was out of the house I ran into a mutual acquaintance of ours and during a complete lapse of judgement things that I regret happened with this acquaintance. I went back home and didn’t say anything and did my best to make things with my relationship as good as I ever could. A year later this acquaintance decided that she was going to tell my wife. Totally throwing our relationship into a spiral. Now years later after talking to my wife she told her because my wife had mentioned to her that she wanted to have another baby with me. So she told her. I’ve also found out years later that the reason for being cold to me and I forgot this part, she was also eating like a bird and working out constantly was due to her thinking I was no longer attracted to her and that I wanted to be with as she put it a skinny girl. Not the case. But that was her reasoning for all of it. I’m sure I misunderstood her signals through these instances but I’m a man and for lack of better terms, stupid. I hope this helps to shed some more light on our situation. Please ask questions or give advice

Cz23,

Sounds like D-Day has been a few years ago???

Healing from an A, or repeated A's, can take a long time and will require a lot of work from both of you.

One thing I discovered was my wife did not want apologies, she wanted to see changes in me. To be accountable, responsive, honest, etc. That took a lot of work. I still work on those things. The reason I put this out there is you mentioned in your first post your BW has 'forgiven' you. That is hard to take in as so many of us who are years out see this as not the same as having healed.

I mean you came here looking for help, and to vent. So, where do things stand with you and your BW? Why join now?

Someone I worked with showed me a lot of attention and I guess I don’t know what I was thinking but I really liked the attention

One of your goals here will be to dig into this and figure out why liking the attention was enough to justify betraying your long term GF. Most people like positive attention, and most people don't cheat. Acknowledging that is a starting point, not a conclusion.

Fast forward to 2016, out of what I thought was nowhere she started treating me so cold, I mean ice cold. After two months of this I finally lost my mind and confronted her. She exploded and threw me out of the house in a fit of screaming and crying totally blindsiding me. Claiming she had a mountain of resentment because she never got to experience any of the things that she claims I did over all our years together. So totally devastated and having no idea what had just happened to me I went to my moms. I stayed there for a week before she asked me to come home.

You probably ought to be aware that sudden coldness, especially in combination with an aggressive weight loss/fitness regimen, is a classic sign of an affair. It could also just be a sign of a BW who rugswept her pain and resentment and snapped when she couldn't take it anymore. We have "madhatters" here, partners who are both the betrayer and the betrayed in the same relationship, so either scenario is possible.

But while I was out of the house I ran into a mutual acquaintance of ours and during a complete lapse of judgement things that I regret happened with this acquaintance.

Watch out for language like this, which avoids personal responsibility. "Things" didn't "happen." You made deliberate bad choices and acted on them. So did I, so I'm not claiming to be holy here. I'm trying to start you looking at the ways we rewire our thinking.

You guys are right, “things didn’t just happen”. I had an affair, I can admit that. The choices I made were mine and I have to live with them and I’m learning from them. And as mentioned above “why now” after several years? Because I’m trying to be a better person, I’m trying to find the help I need to repair my marriage, I’m trying to show her that I do care and to reassure her that I love her, want to be with her and that I’m making an effort to help us. I’ve started IC recently and plan to stay at it as long as I need to. I know that I made the worst choice I could have. I just have to learn from it and try to repair us. I’ve admitted everything to her, and taken 100% responsibility for it

And if I’m being totally honest I started to fall back into an old pattern a few months ago and an inappropriate relationship had started to develop But was stopped before i did anything I was going to regret. I mean the start of it I regret but I think you understand what I meant. I guess I was feeling super shitty about myself, and was looking for validation maybe? I don’t know. I just don’t know what to say. I’m not going to do anything of the sort ever again. I’m hoping that my IC will help me figure myself out, I want to figure out how to develop self esteem on my own. 90% of my problems (in general) are self created I want the solutions to be self achieved. I’m sorry I’m horrible at this, I’m trying to figure it out

And if I’m being totally honest I started to fall back into an old pattern a few months ago and an inappropriate relationship had started to develop But was stopped before i did anything I was going to regret.

Right after talking about owning decisions and full disclosure comes this. I understand you’re eager to change and this highlights the amount of change needed. The “oh by the ways” are going to kill you in some regards- You need to recognize that your keeping things to yourself leads to a false sense of equity, which ultimately means you’re still deceptive. It doesn’t mean you unload on your BW, but it does mean that you proceed thoughtfully and deliberately.

Mindfulness is key to this- Stopping yourself before you act. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is another way to catch yourself before you unravel. “Feeling Good” by David Burns is a great CBT resource.

My final point-

I know that I made the worst choice I could have. I just have to learn from it and try to repair us.

Caution. You will learn, first and foremost, that trying to repair another human being is not an achievable task. You have control over you and your thoughts and actions, and little else. The sooner you acknowledge this, the sooner you will approach this journey with an open mind. Expectations turn into resentments and those will sneak up on you.

Work on you, and the rest will follow. Recognize that the rest might wind up in your relationship changing. That’s neither good nor bad- It’s just change. We’re taught to fight it and label it good or bad, but that’s a waste of time. Don’t fight it. Thrive in your present, bloom where you’re planted.

Share as much as you want, keep questioning. Wishing you strength and conviction on this path.