I don't know how to be clearer than this. You have to treat this situation as you would if your child was diagnosed with cancer. You have to spare no time, spare no expense, and tear down every fucking obstacle in your way. She is giving everything she has in her, and if you aren't willing to give all that and more, then the only honorable thing to do is admit it and let her go. Then she can find someone who values her in a way you do not.
Hells, you need to read this until it sinks in. You prioritized OW in a way that you did not prioritize your BW. You have a history of withholding affection from your BW and giving her excuses as to why while showering that same level of affection on the OW when you messaged her. Your BW isn't blind or stupid. She sees this. If you keep treating your BW like she is expendable, like it's no big deal and she can just wait for you to show her the level of care that she deserves from a spouse, don't be surprised when she decides to divorce you.
I wrote a letter which I am prepared to send G. BW approved the content, but does not wish me to send it just yet.
Maybe waiting to see if she will contact me on Christmas and NYE. I am not relishing on the prospect honestly, I'd rather get it over with, but it is not my decision to make.
She's right. Given that you've been the one to reach out over the last X number of years, there's no good reason to send this to OW because it would be inviting a response from her. It's much better to quietly block her and let her go. Maybe she'll find out one day. Maybe she has no real intention of reaching out to you again given she's moved on with her life.
I have a feeling that this will be difficult for you to admit but I really don't believe that what happened between you and OW meant nearly as much to her as it did to you. I see your attempt to paint her as an immoral wretch baiting you into ego kibbles like some sort of ego predator not just as a blame shift but also as a self validation that what happened meant something to her. That there was a level of reciprocation from her side of the equation even if it was fake. Personally, while I think the OW was happy to bask in the glow of the attention you showered on her and take you up on YOUR offers of help and assistance, I don't think she had any real feelings for you. I don't think she did a good job of even acting like she may have. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even feel competitive at all with your wife because she never had the goal of "stealing you away" in the first place which is why she was comfortable mentioning her. She spoke like someone who thought that your wife was well aware of her as your coworker. And this is evident to me by how easily she dropped you, moved on, and doesn't respond much past what could be seen as "politely aloof" to your messages for the past few years. Maybe that's because the juice wasn't worth the squeeze anymore or maybe she was willfully blind to how bad she came off as and someone pointed it out to her but for whatever reason, your friendship/EA just wasn't worth much to her.
I don't think for one second that she just "forgot" to hit you up when she was in town. I think she intentionally chose not to because she didn't want to see you. And when people she knows ask about you in passing, she probably cringes a little knowing how clearly into her you were when she wasn't very receptive. Sure, she did lead you on by accepting the attention and your invitations for help, but I don't think it's her fault that you made a fool of yourself falling all over this woman that just wasn't that into you when you had a faithful, loving, and neglected wife at home.
Do you ever wonder what would have happened if she was receptive? Would you have been shocked and appalled if she kissed you during one of your many conversations in which you complimented her? Or would you have been excited? Don't answer that here but think hard about it and how your actions came across as flirty. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your BW if you would have found it hard to pull away or would have stopped her. Be honest if you've had ANY improper thoughts about G at all.
This may make you upset for me to say but generally the men that I know who keep pictures of women they find "beautiful", "innocent", and "pure" tend to look at them later in order to fantasize about them and yes, masturbate, so I have a very difficult time believing you weren't engaged in some sort of improper thoughts about G at some point in time. Otherwise I don't know why you'd keep multiple pictures of her on your phone for easy access to look at even if she was fully clothed and not doing anything suggestive. It may be hard for you to believe but it would help you to come forward and be honest with your BW about this NOW because I doubt she hasn't had the same thought. I doubt she hasn't wondered about if you fantasized about a life with G or sex with G or whatever. And any denial from you just sounds like another lie. She already believes you were head over heels in love with G so it's not going to surprise her if you admit to fantasizing about her and it will do something even better for you - start restoring her trust in you bit by bit. It won't count if she has to pry it out of you. It only counts if you come forward with it and show her that you're willing to be honest even at your own expense. Even if the truth is difficult and hard to hear. That will mean so much more to her than whatever you think you're trying to achieve by pretending like her perception of the situation is wrong or overblown.
