Just seeing these responses now. Yes, outcome is not important, at least in terms of the relationship. How we become unsafe people in relationships has to be understand: the how, why, etc. And it's not just about infidelity. Our human flaws are endless. I'll check out that "I Can Relate" page. But for what it's worth, even though my marriage ended, my relationship with my ex-wife has not. And even though we will never be in that former relationship again, I am happy to be finding ways to continually evolve as a co-parent and as the man who once loved her (before, of course, I threw that love away).
She and I had a really amazing conversation the other day. She expressed some regret on her side. I of course told her it had nothing to do with her. I made these choices. I acted selfishly to the core. She was the one who maintained integrity through it all. And yet, to hear that she has extending that olive branch gave me a sense of forgiveness, from myself and from her. Forgiveness is a funny thing. You can say you forgive someone (or yourself), but to actually feel it, that's different.
She's in a relationship with someone who seems to really be taking care of her. Believe it or not, this has brought me great comfort. If she can: a) recognize that it absolutely had nothing to do with her, and b) find self-worth and self-love to be able to find happiness in a new relationship, then I know she will be on a path that will take her away from the horrible nightmare I delivered to her. And, for once in this entire time, it feels a little bit like she is moving away from that pain. I want her to.
This was never her problem. The problem was that I never stopped hating myself, starting from childhood and on. And if you can't find a way to love yourself, you really can't love others. I'm rambling. I really do hope that those who are struggling over the holidays will find ways to do self-care. It really does get better, if you commit to it.