SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey guys,

New WS here. D-day was last Saturday night (11/28). Without getting into too many details. I had a 2month EA 7 years ago with a co-worker and have been keeping it hidden. I lied to my SO for 6 years whenever the topic came up, and this weekend I just let it out.

These past days have been terrible and I know that there is a long, long way to go, with more pain to follow. She is wrecked, angry and cold towards me. Told me not to get my hopes up for R and she doesn't know what she is going to do yet. She doesn't want to go to MC or really even talk to me. I don't blame her, I broke her trust and made a fool out of her. She defended me when others talked about the A. I am ashamed, embarrassed, and feel horrible for the pain i've caused her.

I started IC immediately and had my first session yesterday. I've been reading as much as I can on what to do.

I am terrified of what might happen in the future, especially D. I love my family and hate that I am hurting them. It is why I kept it hidden for so long. I can't go to sleep at night and can't focus on other things to take my mind off the pain i've caused. My mind goes over and over the possible bad outcomes and analyze everything that has been said between us this week. I know this is going to take time, but right now it seems hopeless. I just wanted to let you all know and if you had any insight.

BrokenNTired,

You did the right thing by admitting to the A. Understand that for you it was 7 years ago, but for your SO it might as well have ended on Saturday when you admitted to it.

Go to the top of the Wayward Forum and read the first and only pinned post - it will help you.

I am terrified of what might happen in the future, especially D

We all were terrified of the truth and the consequences. As hard as it may be to understand it right now, but the sooner you let go of the outcome the sooner you will be able to really work on fixing yourself and in time possibly your M. By letting go of the outcome that means you are not trying to control the message, you are not as likely to lie to cover up bad news, etc.

So what made you decide to finally admit to the EA?

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 10:04 AM, December 3rd (Thursday)]

@MrCleanSlate

About a year and half after the A, rumors started floating around where we work. I got called in and had to tell her. I lied, said it was just flirting and misunderstood. I kept the lie up for the past 6 years. Last year, she heard that people were still talking about it, and she began to ask me what really happened and that my story didn't quite line up. The question kept popping up this year, and I knew it was going to keep up and get worse and worse. In my head, I felt there had been enough time and that maybe she would understand and forgive me. The guilt has eaten me alive almost every day since the A, so i guess I just broke and let it out.

A part of me wishes I would have just kept up the lie, but it's over and done now. Thank you for replying.

So trying to wrap my head around this situation and I have to ask:

Your SO works with you? As does your AP?

It seems that this 'EA' must have been pretty public and racy for people to still be talking about it years later - are we talking supervisor/employee type of affair?

Does the AP still work with you?

A part of me wishes I would have just kept up the lie, but it's over and done now.

At least you are being honest with how you are feeling about the truth coming out. That is the facts. Now the hard work begins for you to start to understand why you had an affair and why you lied.

@MrCleanSlate

Yes, we work in the same building, but not in close proximity. I've avoided AP at all costs for these last 6 years, and thankfully rarely see her. But working at the same place, does not help the situation. I have been looking for a new job for a year now and so has my SO.

I don't think it was an issue of a "racy A", but rather people were talking about why I didn't get fired when another pair had an A and did. Co-workers don't know that it was EA and i assume they believe there was more. Still, doesn't help. My SO probably assumes that other people know more than her.

The AP was a coworker, not a supervisor/employee. At that time, part of my job was tech support.

I believe helping the AP opened the door and my state of self at the time lead to the A. My job gave an easy excuse to contact one another. Luckily, my job responsibilities have changed and i try to be hyper aware of how helping can lead to conversations and then more.

This is so damn hard. I love my wife and my family. She is so devastated, and I hurt her. My stupid decision hurt her and will affect my boys. I don't know what to do.

All i can do is read the pinned post and apologize for the pain and grief I caused. I feel like i can't say it enough.

She did set up IC with the same therapist.

Hi BNT --

Welcome to our wretched club from another WS who minimized originally and confessed years later.

My best advice for you is to write your timeline now, in as much detail as you can remember. You may legitimately have forgotten details over time, but "IDK/I don't remember" are classic wayward dodges because they shut down entire lines of inquiry. Use those phrases as little as possible. Try to find contemporary sources (emails, texts, calendars, etc) to jog your memory. I don't just mean communications with AP, which you probably deleted. Any information on where you were and what you were doing in those two months could help piece together the narrative.

Do not withhold anything. Since you're already wishing you could turn back the clock and take the whole A to the grave, it will be very, very tempting to omit hurtful details. All that means is that she still can't trust you to respect her agency. You can't claim you've learned your lesson about making her feel like a fool and simultaneously keep trying to fool her. Imagine you're taking a polygraph tomorrow; what questions are you afraid you'll be asked? Those answers need to be disclosed in your timeline.

Some responses here may be blunt, but remember that with the stop sign on, all of us have been in your shoes. We want to spare you (and, more importantly, your BW), as much unnecessary pain as we can.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 7:59 AM, December 4th (Friday)]

Hi BrokenNTired.

As someone who spent time with the OM at a charity I volunteered at, and that relationship became an EA and then ultimately a PA, I understand the EA dynamic all too well. So what made you stop? Usually they escalate.

Other than not telling your BW, what have you done to work on yourself? Because to me, you've spent the past 7 years hiding it and lying about it.

All i can do is read the pinned post and apologize for the pain and grief I caused. I feel like i can't say it enough.

I strongly disagree. Saying you're sorry is fine but there's a lot of hard work ahead of you if you want to become a safe partner for your BW and a better husband and father for yourself.

What did you tell yourself that gave you permission to have an EA with this coworker? What were you looking for from her? When did you first know that you crossed the line from friendly coworker to inappropriate relationship? Is she married? What was she looking for from you? What made you keep going? Why wasn't your marriage and relationship with your BW enough to stop you from developing an EA with this woman?

A part of me wishes I would have just kept up the lie, but it's over and done now.

This is very telling. What are you doing to work on your lack of authenticity and transparency? Lying and hiding things on one topic can usually bleed into other areas. When did it become okay for you to lie to your BW? Did you do this before the EA? What are you doing now to work on this aspect of yourself and your relationship with your BW where you felt it was okay to lie for so many years? Why should she trust you about anything if you still think it's okay to lie to her? What are you doing to fix yourself to help regain her trust, which will be a very slow process?

I'm not looking for your answers to these questions (although it might help you to think about them and share them here if you feel comfortable enough to do that). I'm just showing you that saying all you can do is apologize is not only untrue, but it's cheap and not sincere. These are things you need to answer for yourself and are really just a small insight into the work you need to do if you want to have an open, authentic and real relationship with your BW.

BNT,

It is good that your BW is going to see IC.

BSR and MrsWalloped are giving you some solid advice and more to think about.

Best bit of advice for right now - write out that timeline and be honest. Don't hold back details. You gaslit your BW for 7 years and if she is anything like my BW, she will for the time being not trust a word you say and will not rest until ever stone is turned over and examined.

And get a new job today since the AP is still working in the same company. That is a shit sandwich you are making your BW eat each and every day right now. Take whatever job for now and keep looking for your preferred job. Don't ask the BW if you should or should not, just say you are doing it as part of trying to be a safe partner. That is the kind of action your BW will appreciate when it comes time to decide if R is on the table.

Thank you all for replying. It is really helping me to focus, process, and get through the day. I'm trying to own this. It's my fault, I'm the cause of this pain.

@BraveSirRobin

I've been running my timeline through my head since D-Day, trying to remember everything. I will write them down, and commit to the truth. Always. To her. On this forum. I commit to the truth.

Reading the "Everything a WS should know" pin is helping. On D-Day i told her how, what, when, and where it happened. I did not go into details. I did not tell her about seeing the AP in public one time and hugging her. I told her about that the AP & I were caught chatting inappropriately, but did not go into the details. It was sexting with no pictures. I know that trickling out info is extremely bad. She does not want to talk to me at the moment. She is getting away this weekend with her best friend and seeing the same counselor next week. Do I tell her the next time she seeks to know what happened or just straight up tell her when she gets back? I understand that everything needs to be out before anything can heal, for me and for her.

@MrsWalloped

I don't mind answering your questions. It helps. I feel that this is a safe place.

The AP and I got caught sexting by the AP's daughter. It happened once and we got caught. I freaked out. Had a moment of clarity in the high and realized what I was going to lose. I ran and promised myself to take it to the grave. I told myself i need to be the best husband and father I could be, and I focused on that the next 7 years. I tried to be selfless and still had this dark secret. Guilt has eaten away at me, and I just kept pushing it back.

I know that "sorry" is not enough and I told my BW that. I told her that I know that i hurt her, betrayed her trust, and I may not be forgiven. That's why I am on this forum, reading, trying to understand her pain, trying to help, trying to find the root of my issue, and trying to accept that I have no control over the outcome.

I believe I was looking for attention (emotional & sexual) from the AP. At the time, I remember not receiving any at home from my SO. I felt that I was not good enough nor the man she wanted me to be. I felt like I always came up short, and my SO resented me for it. She seemed cold and distant, and sex seemed like something that had to happen, not something she wanted. We only talked about her and her issues. My interests were sidelined and never discussed. What I wanted was not an option, and I compared myself to other men who I thought were normal. The EA started innocently and just escalated. I knew it had gone too far the night we got caught. Like I said, that was the only time we sexted. After that night, I hid the chats and deleted everything. The A lasted about another month before AP's daughter told her she knew.

I believe i have a fear of conflict, and I lie to avoid any. The lying in our marriage started when I would say things just to appease my SO and then progressed to hiding things I would purchase (for my hobbies). Like I mentioned earlier, at the time she did not approve of my hobbies and thought them childish. The past years she been more supportive of my interests, but I do use a different account that has my side money in it. She knows I have this account and that I pick up small jobs to fund my hobbies. I have used my side money to help with other purchases, and I have/will show her how much I have.

I read someone's post about "no secrets", big or small. So I'm working towards that. I told her last night that I joined this forum. She could care less, but I wanted her to know, no secrets. No lies, either big or small. I know that I might try to avoid conflict and I need a way to breath and not go with my instinct of flight through lying.

I am sorry for the long post, but this does help. It's only the beginning, and I know there is more pain to come. I got my family into this mess, and I will do what ever I damn can to heal this pain. No matter the fear or future.

[This message edited by BrokenNTired at 9:50 AM, December 4th (Friday)]

@MrCleanSlate

Thanks for the advice. God blessed my wife with another job offer yesterday. She should be officially receiving it at some point today. We do not know what the offer officially is and have not discussed it. I told her to take it no matter the salary or benefits, and I will pick up the slack.

This morning I doubled down on my job searches, and will take whatever comes first.

[This message edited by BrokenNTired at 11:31 AM, December 4th (Friday)]