SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The tendrils of infidelity can sometimes seem never ending.

I often tell people when they arrive that they have no idea how much infidelity will impact their lives. There is no way of understanding how easily it creeps into every aspect of your life. It is never about just you or your spouse. It can touch everything and I am still learning and experiencing that more than 10 years later.

This isn’t about me directly, but I have been affected by it because this is about my boss. Someone I have worked with for a very long time. Someone that I have cared about and respected.

It became obvious last year that something was going on. She had stopped working in her office and was only in our building maybe 4-6 hours any given day. She always left by 2:30 and most days didn’t come in until 10. Communication has never been her strong point but it was becoming worse and worse over the latter part of the year (2019). Earlier this year she announced that she could no longer work in our building. She would continue to be our supervisor but she would do it remotely.

Well, when you are a hammer everything looks like a nail. I knew from that moment she had had an affair. Turns out it was someone else in our building. Word gets out and then the drama. To try to save her face she accused him of sexual harassment. Now of course, this has to go higher up the chain. She eventually transferred to another building and he has also changed positions.

I am in healthcare and as a team we have to communicate well with each other regarding coordination times with patients and information (HIPAA approved). When she transferred out, it was necessary to remove her from the app we use. Unfortunately no one gave her a heads up when it was done so her last communication to us as a team was her lashing out at us via text. We had planned a last hurrah g2g and she told us “don’t bother”.

She has recently taken a new position with a new company and asked if I wanted to be part of her team. I gave it a lot of thought but honestly it makes me nervous to put my career in the hands of someone that is willing to throw a person under the bus to save face (ie her AP, who is an asshole but never deserved a sexual harassment label that could end his career). It makes me nervous and when I expressed some hesitation, her first question was “is it me?”. It makes me really nervous that when I expressed that it was in part, instead of getting understanding I got anger.

Had she come to me and said “look, I know I let you guys down as a team this last year. I know I was distracted and my choices affected each of you. I want you to know that I am working on myself. I want you on my team and I want to show you that I am doing better” I wouldn’t even be writing this post. Unfortunately what I got in return was defensiveness and anger.

I am hoping that one day she will be able to look back and see that her actions had an impact on entire team of people. Every time she wasn’t there because she was with the OM, us managing ourselves because she was distracted. Taking advantage of friendships and then throwing a grenade at it when confronted with her behavior. And tearing an amazing team apart all because of her crappy decisions.

I have chosen not to leave with her but I know of at least one team member that will. She will not take responsibility for that. When I confronted her, the last thing she told me was that I was not in her life.

Long story, even longer this whole thing has led me to do some introspection. I have been able to own that I wasn’t a good employee, friend, mother, and wife during my affair. Now that I am on the outside looking in, I have an even better perspective on that. I see what the distraction and the defensiveness looks like. I can see how those tendrils of infidelity weave through every part of life and how big of a circle of people they entrap.

I am also a bit proud of myself. I can see how I’ve grown through this experience. I was willing to lose the friendship for the right reasons. I stayed true to who I am and didn’t let the “people pleaser” in me make compromises that could potentially be unhealthy for me. I also give a lot of credit to HT for being an amazing sounding board through this. I trust in myself to make good decisions and I love HT and I together as a team.

I did share this site with her, however I am not sure she is ready. I do wish her well. I have a pretty great new boss. It’s so crazy to see the contrast of someone focused on the job and someone who isn’t.

When we are knee deep in our own crap it is so hard to see what a piss poor job we are doing. When someone tries to tell us all we can do is yell back and say look at all this crap! It’s all over me! Someday, when you get out of the crap you realize how much you flung on others to get it off of you.

You did right by giving her the opportunity to try and see a broader picture of being a WS. Not much else you can do. I know for sure when I was knee deep in my A and experienced the horrible fallout, I was not exactly in a position to process all the people I affected with my actions, nor was I in a position to be understanding of other people's stances concerning their association with me.

She might come around or not. I am glad this has given you greater appreciation for your own progress. It's little things like this that make becoming a better and empathetic person worth it. I see this as something positive for you, regardless of your choice to join her or not.

Beautiful post WOEs.

The easiest thing you could have done when she asked you if it was her was to avoid being honest. Your honesty in your reply to her may reach her heart one day but even if it doesn't, you took the path of integrity and said what she really needed to hear. Based on how you carry yourself here and in this thread I am certain you words to her were still kind despite the candid nature.

And you're right in how infidelity can affect so many aspects of who a person is. But it is never too late to change and relearn how to be a good person. I've not committed adultery but I have things in my past I look back on and hate about myself no differently than you described.

A way I look at mistakes I've made in the past is:

I have an old-western style revolver (a "gun fighters'" weapon) and mistakes I've made in the past are single rounds/bullets. My enemy is whatever I face that I know is wrong. Allowing the enemy to conquer me is me giving into them. Alternatively, I can load my 6-shooter with ammo. I use that ammo to take my enemy out and the more shots I've loaded, the greater chance I can hit my target. If I chose to ignore my mistakes (it may be one or it could be many), I am going into a gun fight with less shots. It's a numbers game. I want my 6-shooter fully loaded every time I go into a fight.

Here's the thing though...I have to reload my 6-shooter every. single. day. If I go a day without loading my 6-shooter, I am less likely to succeed. If I were perfect all I would need is a single round, right? Really though, if I were perfect I would never place myself in a position to have to face another gun fighter. But I am not and so I must plan ahead.

In a sense, by recalling our mistakes as you did in this thread...not choosing to ignore or avoid them as your previous supervisor did, we remain "locked and loaded" for action. To ignore mistakes we've made is to walk into a gun fight unprepared. In this way, to always be aware of our mistakes is to have something positive to take away from our poor decisions.

All that said, it sounds like you're keeping your 6-shooter loaded and maybe one day this woman will use your respectfully-candid words in her own 6-shooter.

This is a cherry-pick of your post and maybe a t/j, but I can’t strongly enough express how disgusted it makes me when WSs in consensual extramarital affairs pull the “sexual harassment” card. Even in the case of a power differential, grown adults know what they’re doing. JMHO.

I feel it minimizes the experience of true victims of actual harassment.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 9:30 AM, November 15th (Sunday)]

MrsSouthAfrica and NotMyFirstRodeo, thank you both for such thoughtful replies.

DF, not a t/j. Her harassment claim is pertinent to where her mindset is. It angers me very much and I think that sexual harassment claims are very serious. I will not minimize his part in the affair, but he doesn’t deserve that label and she could have destroyed his career doing so. He came clean to HR about the affair to save his career.

She told me that he hounded her until she finally just gave in. It is hard to claim sexual harassment when you are bolting out the door everyday at 2:30 to have sex at his house before having to pick up the kids. Sigh.

Of course it's his fault . It creates the perfect narrative for her not owning her own actions.

Let me chime in about the bravery you showed in dealing with this head on. It would have been so easy to let it just slide. It shows how much you have grown and why you are such a valuable asset here.

I agree with the posters here who have shown the disgust that she laid off all of the blame on him. If he was hounding her he should have had the book thrown at him by her at the time. The fact she abdicated her responsibility as a supervisor and parent says a lot about her character. And yours by not going with her

this OM has an affair with a married subordinate and wants

to cry this WW claimed sexual harassment.

whatever consequences that happen to him are well deserved

for everything the OM did was of free will. his conceit that

he was too smart to get caught was his downfall.

Outstanding post WalkinOnEggshelz. A unique 3rd party perspective.

oldtruck, for clarification my boss was not a subordinate to the OM. They were both department heads. She claimed it was sexual harassment after she was caught. I’m not sure how many people she told that to, but I watched her tell our team that it was harassment after I already knew it was an affair.

The funny thing is that she told me that she and her husband are doing really well and to assume she wasn’t in a healthy place put me in the wrong. I don’t know any couple after 4 months and 2 DDays that are doing really well.

I thought it might be risky to post this because I shared this site with her. I guess it doesn’t really matter. The bridge is burned at this point. She is the one that lit the match. I just feel sorry for her and her family now.

Does her H know?

walkinoneggshell,

"we are doing well" is a WW that has gotten her BH to drink

the denial kool aid and has him accepting the rug sweeping.

also this statement is most likely her doing public damage

control, same with blaming the OM and going to HR.

her BH needs to be here. not suggesting that you drop a dime

on this WW. though it would be nice if the karma truck

enabled her BH to find SI.

Yes, her BH knows. He has had multiple DDays. I doubt she shared this site with him, despite me telling her that this site literally saved my own marriage.

I'm surprised you thought she was even remotely capable of being upfront and honest about the work sitch. That wouldn't line up with her wayward thought process.

Thanksgiving you are right and I think that’s in part why I have been doing so much thinking about this whole thing.

In the midst of it all, we feel like this is happening to us. It’s almost impossible to see that there is a wake of people around that are affected by it as well.

My affair didn’t happen at work, but much of my time spent on my affair did through text. I made unhealthy friendships that knew about my affair and didn’t discourage it. After DDay hit I transferred to another location. At the time it was devastating to me. I never thought about the impact my leaving suddenly might have on the kids that I worked with or the fact that the teachers had to build a new relationship with a new therapist. Ten years later and I am thinking about whether or not I was a good therapist for those kids at that time.

I don’t really expect her to be out of her wayward mindset. This is more about how I am experiencing the impact infidelity can have from a different position and it has just made me a little more thoughtful regarding my own journey.

WalkinOnEggshelz

Had she come to me and said “look, I know I let you guys down as a team this last year. I know I was distracted and my choices affected each of you. I want you to know that I am working on myself. I want you on my team and I want to show you that I am doing better” I wouldn’t even be writing this post. Unfortunately what I got in return was defensiveness and anger.

I am hoping that one day she will be able to look back and see that her actions had an impact on entire team of people. Every time she wasn’t there because she was with the OM, us managing ourselves because she was distracted. Taking advantage of friendships and then throwing a grenade at it when confronted with her behavior. And tearing an amazing team apart all because of her crappy decisions.

You are looking at her situation and how it affected so many people with the benefit of 10 years of experience under your belt. Did you, with these 10 years of experience approach her when you suspected?

It became obvious last year that something was going on. She had stopped working in her office and was only in our building maybe 4-6 hours any given day. She always left by 2:30 and most days didn’t come in until 10. Communication has never been her strong point but it was becoming worse and worse over the latter part of the year (2019). Earlier this year she announced that she could no longer work in our building. She would continue to be our supervisor but she would do it remotely.

Well, when you are a hammer everything looks like a nail. I knew from that moment she had had an affair.

I don't work in heath care but I have heard that it is a rather small community and as such the good and bad of a person's experience seems to be known throughout the community.

Is it possible that she wanted people from her former team to join her so she could say "These people from my former team came with me so whatever you heard has been blown out of proportion?"

A person can try to outrun a situation but they will never be able to outrun themselves.

I have chosen not to leave with her but I know of at least one team member that will. She will not take responsibility for that. When I confronted her, the last thing she told me was that I was not in her life.

Can you elaborate on this aspect? What type of conversation is happening here?

Are you close to this person and would you have continued a relationship with them if they stayed, and what about now that they have decided to leave?

Did you, with these 10 years of experience approach her when you suspected?

I did actually. I first gave her many opening to talk about it. When she didn’t bite, I told her I felt I knew what was going on and I wanted to help her. I told her if I was wrong she could just forget I said anything. I then gave her a piece of paper with survivinginfidelity.com written on it. She nodded to confirm that was the case. I explained to her that this site save my marriage. I also explained to her that healing has been the hardest thing that I have ever done. I have offered myself as a resource multiple times.

These people from my former team came with me so whatever you heard has been blown out of proportion?"

It might be a little bit of this but I think it mostly has to do with her needing loyalty. When our new supervisor came in she made a point to tell us that she didn’t feel good about who she was leaving us with. As it turns out, our new supervisor is pretty amazing. The moment I showed hesitation about going she became defensive. My guess is that it has much more to do with validation than anything else.

hikingout, I’m summarizing multiple conversations so it’s complicated. Most of her communication is through text and as we all know tone can be an issue. I did consider her a friend and not just a supervisor. We have worked together for 8 years. I followed her from one company to the one I am at currently. We had talked about us all going to this other one when it opened.

Part of the problem is that once she left and our new supervisor stepped in, we all realized just how much we needed/wanted a strong leader for our team. It’s been nice. The team is working well together. There is great communication that we were missing before.

I didn’t want to cut her from my life. It makes me sad that this is the outcome. I’m not sure what would have happened had she stayed. Staying was never going to be a good solution if she is going to save her marriage.

All I know is that I feel good about my decision to stay. It’s what is right for me and my family despite the possibility of the relationship between us (friend and coworker) dissolving for good.

This is more about how I am experiencing the impact infidelity can have from a different position and it has just made me a little more thoughtful regarding my own journey.

Just mho of course, but this right here shows the difference between a WS who gets it and one who doesn't. Not shying away from seeing the impact and then looking at your own story and seeing the parallels... that isn't easy and I truly commend you WoEs.

Hopefully she can get to a place where she's ready to do the work, but I think you definitely made the right call putting some distance there.

You are right-- infidelity weaves its way through your life even many many years later. Kudos to you for recognizing this and correcting this aspect of your life. Every is capable of change, but putting in the work to get there and to keep those changes are the tough part, but it can be done and you are proof.