SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Someone suggested that I start a topic as I did in the Reconciliation section-

The One Thing you miss the most of your relationship before infidelity.......

As a MH I suppose I can share from a wayward’s POV.

The one thing I regret is that my husband, who was already struggling with low self esteem issues which contributed to his cheating) looks at me and knows my eyes looked wantingly at someone else and that person walks around knowing that guys wife wants me.

Does that makes sense???

I miss the trust and faith that my wife had in me, of our unified front.

I miss him feeling happy with us.

I miss my husband.

I miss my best friend.

I miss his trust.

I miss being able to talk to him.

I miss being able to feel him.

I miss him being able to look at me and seeing only me.

I miss our life together.

I miss not seeing myself as a monster.

I miss our family.

I miss being able to make him smile.

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 10:56 PM, November 7th (Saturday)]

I miss us.

It was us against the world. We were a team and we each felt secure in our love and our relationship and that we could handle whatever life through our way as long as we were us. I ruined that. We are slowly building that back, but it’s not the same. I don’t think it will ever be.

I miss getting to see her experience simple, joyful moments- When she didn’t know I could see her...

I miss innocence. I don't think either of us believed we could deliberately hurt and betray a person we deeply loved. It was a terrible thing to discover about each other, and it was terrible to have to accept about ourselves.

In many ways, we're closer now, because we've faced the darkness and found that our love was also deeper and more forgiving than we suspected. I'm still sad that that pure, beautiful simplicity is gone.

Wow great question with so many answers. Knowing that everything is my fault made thinking about this very hard.

I miss my BS being able to relax and enjoy herself without the constant pressure in her heart worried about everything that has happened, is happening and will happen in the future. There are times when she does relax and lets life flow and I see the real her again. I miss my wife.

I saw this over in the other thread and I considered responding but I don’t think I did. Mostly because most of the things when I put my bs hat on sounds strangely hypocritical. It’s easier to respond here because I can fully say that my affair 3 years ago ruined a very easy going marriage and destroyed a man I love very much. I would say I miss him. I don’t feel like he ever came back even though I know he wanted to and hoped he could. Now with his affair it feels like even longer to know that outcome.

The things I miss- I destroyed first. Trust, loyalty, our connection, a marriage we were proud of. I am with Mrs. Walloped I am not sure if that comes back. I was sure it could or did but right now everything seems like a shattered mess and it’s hard to see.

I’m really glad someone suggested this. It’s been nice to read in an “I’m not alone” type of way.

I miss not having the label “cheater” attached to me.

I miss not having betrayed my wife.

[This message edited by ff4152 at 2:51 PM, November 8th (Sunday)]

For him I miss looking into his eyes and not seeing pain there.

For me I would say I miss trusting myself.

Sayyouwontletgo-

You don’t trust yourself anymore?

Mickie- I think one of the hardest things I had to let go of trying to work through all of this was the way I saw/see myself. During the affair I had mentally convinced myself that what I was doing was okay or at the very least that it wouldn't really hurt anyone. I was capable of those mental gymnastics then and even though I feel I've learned and grown considerably since then, I am still capable of it now.

I will never nievely trust my knee jerk reaction to things and have promised myself to stay vigilant of backsliding inner monologues or old behavior patterns. I would love to say I dont catch myself doing it even now but like an alcoholic the real change takes life long acceptance of who I have been vs. Who I want to continue to be.

I wish I could fully trust myself and say I'd never do things like that again but That's not really fair to my BH or seemingly realistic to me when I let myself get to that point before. Not sure if I'm making sense? Lol.

I honestly can tell you I have every intention of never betraying my husband or myself the way I did in the affair, I guess a part of me equates trusting my judgement without question to allowing old behavior to creep back in?

I miss the innocence.

I miss looking at him sleep soundly through the night.

I miss him being happy and unburdened.

I miss being able to touch him without him recoiling mentally or physically.

I miss having my integrity.

I miss hearing my husband laugh.

I miss feeling at least like I was worthy of someone... anyone.

I miss my mental health.

I miss being able to make long term plans for myself/family.

I miss having hope that if I just pleased my husband enough with doing his things, then he would want to do my things.

I miss feeling hope that if I just worked hard enough, I could earn his love/ liking for me.

Just miss having hope for anything good at the moment.

Life seemed so much easier without the weight, the scar of infidelity. That unqualified belief and commitment that we were only there for each other and no one else is a distant memory. We both get mad about the way we trashed that whole feeling of safety and security. But we are growing together better each day. We are saving a good deal of the marriage still -- but the damage we inflicted can never be fully forgotten. It sucks!

I thought about this one for a few days.

I miss my integrity and feeling better than those other people I saw who had cheated and wrecked marriage's, etc.

I got to 20 years married to my wife and never thought about cheating, and I held a low opinion of those we knew who had cheated (yes it does seem far too common). I felt somehow morally superior, even though my M was going into the crapper.

I used to travel a lot - like every week. I was propositioned a few times while out of town but never even crossed my mind to cheat on my wife.

And then I became a cheater. Usual story really. I was depressed, not dealing with M issues, reached out to another woman who gave me all the ego kibbles I wanted and made me feel needed, etc. Amazing how easily I slipped into that role.

It took me a lot of IC/MC to understand that my need for validation was a longstanding issue.

So yeah, I miss the feeling of smugness in my moral position.

There's times I see others on this site post about how waywards are defective and that they would NEVER do what we did. That me a before and I almost want to yell at those people and say - you never know. deal with your issues before the arrows all align and you do the same shitty thing I did. I regret a lot now.