Thanks Heart and TKOGA. I think in many ways you are correct about being emotionally immature. Interesting, I would have described her that way.
I'm trying to accepting this, it's hard. New beginnings suck, lol. I can recall going out of my way to be sensitive to these things in particular that she wrote. ,
"I doubt myself and I feel like what I do is not good enough for you. I am often confused about what transpired in an argument/fight." This resonates with me when discussing something about a fight. She had her POV, I had mine.
"I’m made to feel it’s my fault when things go wrong and I’m always the one to apologize often. We don’t really talk about it often afterwards either." True, we wouldn't talk about it much afterward. I really tried not to be accusatory to make her feel guilty.
"I’m always hesitating or questioning my actions in my response to you out of fear that it will make you angry or that I would be ridiculed." This is really harsh IMO. I've tried to be sensitive to not ridicule.
"I am made to feel guilty; you say I’m being exaggerative, insecure, defensive. I’m made to feel blamed for when it goes wrong." I honestly don't know when I was accusatory calling her exaggerative or insecure. Defensive may have come up but in context that I didn't think she was acknowledging her ownership and role in an issue.
"I am told how I should feel or what I am feeling, and I am not heard and not understood by you." When we would talk about serious issues, I would give my opinion to help figure things out. It's what couples do. She was always free to feel or act however she wanted.
My response to her email.
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This relationship stuff is super hard. I understand and respect your decision.
I wish I could fix all of this, I really…. really… really do. But I don’t think I can. Even then, I don’t agree with much of what you wrote. I’m not for a second discounting what you wrote, I get it, that’s your perception and feelings. I hear and acknowledge that. I just have a different take on it all, that doesn’t make it right or wrong, just mine, just yours. So from the bottom of my heart, you’ve been heard and wish I could do something different to impact how you feel. Sometimes it’s healthy just to agree, to disagree.
Babe, If I haven’t made it clear lately, you mean everything to me. You matter to me and I value you. You are special to me. I appreciate you. I respect you. I will be there for you when you need me.
I’ve ALWAYS wanted to know your true feelings. Intimately.
I’m not perfect, neither are you, but I always wanted us to work through that and never give up on each other.
I appreciate everything you do.
I’m so sad to hear you don’t feel emotionally safe. That cuts to my core. My #1 job and I failed.
I have sensed distance and shortness in the last few weeks, and I’ve been frustrated by that. I didn’t understand it.
I don’t know what’s expected of me sometimes. How am I supposed to react to certain things, moving things out, not going to NY? I just know things between us have hurt.
We fight sometimes. People fight sometimes.
It wasn’t but three weeks ago that we were dancing around a fire like teenagers.
Or boating
Or at the beach, with excitement for the summer.
We talk. We argue. We don’t always say the right thing, or in the right way in the heat of the moment the best wayt. I’m exaggerative at times, we all are, same for insecure and defensive. We’re human.
I wholeheartedly acknowledge my faults, I’m about as self-aware as they come given my history, but I have failed myself and you in ways that pain me, and you more. Asking you to leave is out of fear. As I feel frustration building when we’re in an argument, I don’t want to have an emotional outburst, or say something I will regret. Nothing saddens me more in that moment when asking you to leave, it’s like having an outer body experience. I’m at tears as you walk out the door, knowing what I just did. Knowing I hurt you so badly, and knowing it could have been worse. I never meant to hurt you that way, but I understand how I did, and in my mind, the only way I can process it at the time, I pick the lesser of the evils. Ask you to leave, or risk something worse happening.
We’ve had so many good times. I never imagined us here.
Waking up next to you is the single best thing I’ve ever experienced.
Cooking dinners together was the best.
Holding hands in church. I’ve never felt closer to anyone. Gripping our hand.
But we all have faults. This is a relationship between two people who each bring their own experience, perspective, opinion and faults.
I often feel your take on things is more about who is right and who is wrong, and not so much about how we can have a difference of opinion or perception. I feel that my opinion is held against me.
I don’t ever recall telling you how you should feel, or what you are feeling. I want you, all of you in its rawest form.
Do we talk about a lot of stuff and I’m literally listening to you to understand, and offering advice? I do. I thought you welcomed that, and I remember you thanking me for talking you through it.
I’m learning small fights are never just small fights. We’re all just a work in progress and words and actions really do matter no matter how big or small.
I deserve to be happy, so do you. I love you.
[This message edited by Kintsugi at 3:33 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]