Guilt and thoughts are consuming me

I cheated on my bf. It was an EA with a person whom I had a brief (2 week) situationship/fling in the past.

I was 1 year into a relationship with BP. Things were good. We had our fair share of ups and downs. But there came a point when I felt that BP lacked at giving me emotional support. He was logical. I wanted to feel just heard. Not solutions. Instead of communicating my needs with him, I texted AP. It wasn't an impulsive thought to do so. It was rather a thought that lingered in my mind for 3 months before I acted on it. I feel that I fueled it more and that is what lead to the EA. When the thought of AP first raised I was confident that I wouldn't act on it. Hence I just let it slide and never thought of controlling my mind.

I suffer with BPD and OCD. I finally unblocked and texted AP. At first I deleted the text I sent AP stating that I hate him. Later the next day I unblocked him again and apologized for the previous text I deleted. The convo went ahead. It didn't involve any sexual aspects or the points of reconciliation. But we did exchange a video clip of talking. I told "I love you" and said that I could read all his texts in his voice. At the end I told him that even I wanted to listen to those words I Love You from him and that I would smile to the fullest when he tells me those. Did I have something romantic? No. I just viewed it as something rather platonic and extremely supportive. At the moment I was vulnerable.

The very next day I told my partner almost everything. I first TT but the same day everything came out. BP said that he didn't think it is cheating. I texted AP later that day and told AP to never contact me again. I showed the same to BP.

2 Months post DDay a few more things that I left out from the convo came out. We are in R. It is going strong. But I have an immense guilt and shame spiral from time to time. I feel like a part of myself is dead. I feel terrible. My partner is an amazing person. Stills believes I did nothing wrong, yet I can't.

Ecerytime I think about me and my partner, I can't help but think about the mistake I did. The whole thing flashes before me.

Please help me with some techniques that help you cope up from guilt and shame spirals and flashbacks that slip you future more into extreme remorse.

1 comment posted: Monday, February 10th, 2025