Here is my multiple infidelity story…
First of all I want to say that I’m not an English native speaker, so I apologise in advance if this is hard to read.
I (F25) am married to my BS (M28) and have been together for over 8 years (married 2.5 years).
I have cheated multiple times and I feel this devastating shame and guilt every day of my life. I cannot get over the fact of having hurt the love of my life. Our relationship context is we are this perfect couple who never fight and we really feel we are "one" together. Sounds cliche but I really do believe he is my soulmate. And this is a reason on why he forgave me so many times.
I cheated on him for the first time after a month of dating. I was 17 and got really drunk and had a one night stand. Second time was with a class mate 3 years later, again drunk, we kissed on that first week and then we met up at a uni party the next week and had sex.
The third one was over two years ago, with a uni class mate again. This time there was no sex but kissing and touching acts.
I am a person that had mental health issues and diagnosed with borderline personality. Until recently, I never loved myself, quite the opposite. I was always the attention seeking type and never knew when to stop or say no. I have to say that I never even liked any of the guys I cheated with. Not even physically! As I mentioned before, I just wanted to seek attention and feel attractive. I really dug deep in why did I cheat, even with my therapist and it really doesn’t have anything to do with my husband! He is amazing, he loves me so much, he makes me feel attractive and is always there for me. My husband’s feedback on me is that I am such a warm hearted person, that I take so much care of him and he feels so loved by me. I know it’s hard to believe due to all these disgusting things I’ve done, but I really do believe I’m not a bad person. Nothing can justify the cheating, but every time I did it I was extremely drunk, I could never ever do anything like this sober in my life. I wouldn’t even approach men sober. AGAIN, not justifying anything just adding some facts onto my story.
Alcohol makes me act and do things I really don’t want to do, also, once I start I cannot stop drinking. This is why I don’t drink anymore unless it’s with my husband. Also, I am in a much better place right now. I cannot believe how much I’ve evolved as a person since 2 years ago. Of course I am still working on myself every day, still going to therapy and figuring more stuff out, but the progress is there and I am proud of it.
I would want to ask you all for your opinion on the following:
Do I deserve to forgive myself? (I know deep down I do, I just don’t know how… and I know it’s a long and tough process but I just hope time can heal)
Second question would be that last time I told my husband about the last infidelity I remember not sharing details, not that he asked for them but it could be that I just said we kissed and no sex when actually there where more than kissing involved (inappropriate touchings while watching a movie). This is making me feel somehow very guilty, like if I lied to him or something. But I don’t want to open the wound again just to add those details and hurt him so badly after over 2 years! I feel that would be very selfish. What would you all think about this?
Thanks a lot of reading this. I highly appreciate your thoughts and opinions on my story.
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7 comments posted: Tuesday, October 29th, 2024
