Not sure how this is going

I discovered her most recent affair last April. It was a 4 year long cyber affair that left virtually nothing untouched in our marriage. Ten years ago she had a brief physical affair that turned into a telephone affair and had a brief one in between that looked like it was almost immediately sexual but stayed digital (total of 3 affairs and 1 financial infidelity). On top of that there was a pretty large financial infidelity that set us back.

We're still married and I've committed to reconciling (again) but I do wonder if I'm nuts. She's seeing a therapist. I'm seeing a therapist.

I think recovered from the previous stuff not to bad (maybe) but the last one feels like it broke something. From the small sample of texts I saw there were at least dozens of texts a day and sometimes over a hundred. All the usual stuff - pet names, soul mates, "we'll be together someday" (one part of her planning was to wait for me to die so they could be together). Lots of sexting, some face time type meetings but they never actually met. She divulged so much information that I actually have concerns about a breach of privacy.

I'm not sure whether the counselling I'm doing is all that helpful. It doesn't feel like it's helping very much. I have an almost constant movie and sound track running in my head (I discovered all of the infidelities). I've been reading books, listening to podcasts and doing a lot of journalling.

I think I'm through most of the anger but what's left is perhaps even worse. Years of looking me in the eyes and telling me she loved me (the night she got caught she was lying in bed with me and had just finished a bunch of "I love you's" with him.) The nature of the affair meant he was virtually everywhere with us all of the time. That means lots of triggers. I can't even leave the house and leave her alone because thats when they sexted usually). I'm trying to deal with them but there are just so many triggers.

Despite having some experience in dealing with this kind of mess, this time seems far, far more difficult. Part of it is that I feel emotionally exhausted (4 infidelities over about 10 years) and not very safe. She says she wants to stay and build some kind of new relationship.

I know everyone is different and theres no single answer but I'm trying to get a sense of whether this relationship can be salvaged and where I should be in roughly 8 months since the latest discovery. Should I be doing a little better than I am. I don't feel I've made much progress. I've been reading a lot on here (Thanks everyone) but any insights would be welcome.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, November 20th, 2024