It has been 5 days

Hello, this is my first post on here. I found out about this forum on reddit just because I have been trying to find guidance i guess?? Or just advice on how to change. Firstly I am 22 years old and my BP recently went through my messages on my computer and she found messages from someone I had previously dated, but we eventually stayed friends because she lived in another state. Every now and then we would just have platonic conversations. When I first started dating my BP in college the AP was supportive and overall we had a friendly relationship. I never thought that this friendship or "relationship" was significant enough to bring up to my partner. Mainly because I never talked to this person consistently and I had no plans on really pursuing a relationship with this person. I also knew it was wrong because me and this person had a past but only through messages, nothing more. This was a part of me that I just wanted to put behind me. Me and my BP had been together for 2 years and in between then we broke up for maybe a month or so and during that time I was using multiple dating apps and talking to other people, not in anything serious. I guess I was just feeling lonely and wanted attention. During this time I also would text the AP and I mentioned how I had been talking with multiple people and hooking up, which I was not I was just lying to sound cool i guess. But the AP also would flirt with me in messages and I honestly do not remember if I entertained it or just kinda brushed it off in a "haha" kinda way. Me and my BP end up seeing each other again and she asked me if I had talked to anyone or used any apps and I lied to her and said no. I didn't want to hurt her and tbh I felt embarrassed about it and I never wanted to revisit that time in my life. I was dealing with a lot mentally. Fast forward to my birthday, 4 months after the breakup with my BP, the AP had sent me a very vulgar message for my birthday and I responded in a way that was flirting back still in a "haha" kind of way. I was also with my BP on the day before and of my birthday. I should have just blocked her then because I had no plans on getting back involved with her at all. That was the last time me and the AP have ever had a conversation so I ended up just deleting the text thread. I felt terrible but I know that if I were to explain everything to my BP right then it would still be bad. So I just tried to ignore that it ever happened. The AP basically didn't exist anymore to me. Now fast forward to 5 days ago my BP was using my computer for her homework and somehow ended up reading my messages with my AP. Conversations of us flirting and conversations of me venting about my relationship problems at the time and even me telling the AP how excited I was about my BP when we first hung out. The moment that I saw that she pulled the messages up my heart dropped. I didn't know what to say. I had not planned to tell her about the AP because at this point she didn't really matter to me. I hadn't contacted her since 4 months ago. My BP cussed at me, screamed at me, rightfully so. I texted her begging for her to please let me explain. But there was nothing really for me to explain. She just kept asking "what is wrong with you", "you're a sick and terrible person". A lot of hurtful and unspeakable things.

I feel like this is the worst thing I could have ever done. I love this girl so much, and she has done a lot for me. She always supported me through my mental health challenges, problems with my family. I don't know why I did this. Why I never told her about the AP from the beginning, or why I even entertained her flirting with me. I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me and how can I change as a person from this. I don't think that I am a terrible person, I think that I made a terrible decision. I just keep asking myself why? She said she doesn't even know who she's looking at when she see's me. I feel like I dont know who I am either. Taking a step back and looking at how this was a terrible thing to do, I don't know who I am and why I would do this to someone I care so much about. I feel like I will never forgive myself. I deleted every message and blocked the AP on everything. All the people from the apps too. This is something that I am embarrassed about. The guilt and shame makes me sick to my stomach. I haven't eaten or slept well since.

I really do want to become a better person for myself. After digging and trying to find the root of this problem I have with lying and cheating, I have come up with so many things that I need to address. It could be a self esteem issue, childhood trauma, self sabotage. I just want to be able to heal and process the "why" of it all. I just feel like a fraud and I want to be able to forgive myself. Truthfully I want to be better for my BP. This is someone who I want a future with. I don't know if she will ever talk to me again. I want to work things out but she just doesn't see me the same. I don't know who I am after this. I talked about it with my therapist a bit. She was mostly concerned about the things my BP said to me and her violating my privacy. I wasn't really thinking about that but I wanted to just get some insight from people who were WS. How did you guys heal and find forgiveness for yourself? What makes this process easier? It is the most painful thing I have ever had to go through. But I feel like saying that sounds selfish, because what about how she feels right now. Anything would help, books, hobbies, idk.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 8:21 AM, Friday, April 26th]

2 comments posted: Thursday, April 11th, 2024