Trying to process it

I feel so lost and alone. I can't confide in family or friends as I know they will judge us and if we do want to try and fix our marriage, that would only hinder it. Sorry for long post, I just need to get it off my chest and my mind.

DD March 24th 2024

We had just come back off holiday, my husband had said his phone wasn't charging, I had no reason to not believe him as it had been temperamental for a while. As usual he went to play pool, or so I thought, until he walked back in 4 hours later looking like someone had died. He told me to sit down, then admitted to a 3 Yr affair with an ex work colleague. He hadn't told her we were going away as previously she had threatened to tell me and our son, if she knew we were doing things together. She had stalked the house whilst we were away and was waiting just outside the house on DD. He got in the car with her and after what he said was a slanging match, she told him to leave me, and to turn up at her house at 8.00pm to prove it with his case. Instead he came home and told me the truth. I felt physically sick to the stomach, we have been married 25 years and apart from a few lows we had what I thought been happily married all those years. The last 2 years he had been suffering with stomach problems, being sick, losing weight and dreaming of drowning. I was worried he was seriously ill, he had test after test at the hospital but they all came back clear. He says it was the stress of the affair. It started off as office banter, then got flirty, then led to meeting in a hotel for sex. He said it was awkward but the same time exciting and it boosted his ego, she was younger, they had office sex, then she left and they met monthly in hotels during his lunch break. There were no meals out, gifts, or romantic weekends away, he said it was purely sex. He said he always felt guilt after, this I find hard to believe as he went back for more. He said he wanted to end it as it was tearing him apart but she would threaten to tell us. He didn't want that to happen. He promised her he would leave me, he said to keep her sweet! On holiday she turned up at our house and spoke to our Son, she made a bull shit story up saying she needed to get in touch with another work colleague and thought my husband would have their number. My son phoned us on holiday to tell us. It never once crossed my mind what the truth would actually be. She had turned up to see where he was and my son had said we were away.
After reeling from the shock I said, are you leaving me for her?. He said no. I feel such a mug for letting him stay as its everything I said I'd never do, but I do love him and I believe he loves me. I've seen what it's physically done to him.
I asked to see his phone, when I turned it on there were lots of nasty, threatening message's, pictures of our house. Not the romantic, declaration of love I was expecting. I then messaged her saying it was me, and he'd told me the truth. She said she was coming to the house so i phoned her. I put it on loud speaker and told her he'd admitted everything, she asked him what he wanted and he said me. I then told her not to contact us again. The next day she phoned my husband off a private number saying she didn't believe it was me and was going to Instagram message me, which she did. Again I phoned her and said I had nothing to say. She then admitted she hadn't believed it was me, didn't think my husband would have it in him to confess. She said he had always told her he loved me and that he had never bad mouthed me. I said he'd told me he'd tried to break away many times but her threats made it hard. She admitted she had threatened him. She asked if I was going to tell her partner, I said no. I didn't want to be responsible for making someone feel like I do at the moment. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy.

I've agreed to give it 6 months. My husband has said he will do whatever it takes to make it work but agrees it is my decision. He's making a big effort, planning weekends away, date nights, buying flowers, being more affectionate, holding me when I break down in tears, answering my questions over and over again. I can't get images of them being intimate together out my mind, especially when I'm lying in bed. We have kissed since, and there is still love and a spark, despite what he's done. I can see the pain in his eyes and his remorse, but I'm worried this isn't going to be enough. I'm so messed up, one minute I want to try again and the next I hate him so much I want him to go. Thanks for reading this

16 comments posted: Thursday, April 11th, 2024