Advice on a toxic relationship that is starting new

So let me start off by saying this is a non-marital relationship so spouse and other terms are used loosely to convey the players…also I’m new here so hi! If this was a Reddit AITA post I am most certainly the asshole and I understand that…but I’m asking for assistance…

I am actually the WH in the relationship with a woman we can refer to as N which started as FWB. I was seeing another woman who we can refer to as L who I had a FWB situation but was also vehemently in love with her to which she was emotionally unavailable, and they knew of each other at the time. I ended up halfway ending things with L and "remaining friends". I asked N out and it was a good first month or so then It got suggested that me N and L have a threesome which was great until N found messages on my phone to L she felt were inappropriate they didn’t stop from me trying to push the threesome which never happened and resulted in her exchanging messages with another man she stopped. I didn’t me and N would break up at least once a month until around the 8 month mark miscommunication, I have bipolar and go through episodes of depression followed by hypomania and low level risks she has BPD and can get borderline vicious. And our disorders clash a bit sometimes I was very passive quiet and didn’t get my words out all the time and she’s very verbally abusive naturally which can be off putting but she’s working on it. But every break up ended in me running back to L emotionally as well as some sexting- we would get back together and I would continue to talk to L in a more tame fashion secretly and had seen her in secret on a handful of occasions in public. Things came to a point when in August we broke up for what seemed like a more permanent resolution for about 2 weeks in that time period I slept with L once and realized the futility in my love for the woman broke it off completely and tried to repair my relationship with N, she found out soon after and for a period of about a month (sept) she decided to have copious amounts of sex with a once mutual friend we were going on a trip with at the end of the month and was honest about it. I bugged the hell out dragged her name through the mud on two separate work related group chats. And things calmed down…we then proceeded to link up again the last week in sept started CT to which we both stated we cut off the APs and both decided to mend the relationship and decided we would start completely fresh the Friday following which was our friends wedding, I booked a suite we planned a trip to the museum the Sunday after the wedding and I booked a high end restaurant/tickets to Hamilton for the following weekend….wedding was fantastic but I found out Saturday night while she was asleep by checking her deleted messages she fucked him one more time two days before the wedding. I went silent. Drove home and attempted suicide. I ended up in the hospital for about 3-4 days. And we just kind of..went on with life a little? No more APs just kind of going through the motions Reminds me of the swept term that was noted before, Experiencing pain until it wasn’t as stressful…about 4-5 months go by we still had fights only this time I was loud borderline violent. It exploded into a night where dv occurred between us I won’t go into it but I initiated it. And we were poised to break up….until we found out she was pregnant to which we decided to try to fix things I was on and off therapy for awhile but after this decided to take anger management therapy myself in addition to standard and psychiatric treatment. Things were looking up we proceeded to have a miscarriage. So we’re dealing with that now separately as well as everything else. We are attempting CT again and Now there’s someone with a voip fake number messaging me that she was with multiple other men and it’s triggering the shit out of me. Not in a reactive way as I have shown in the past but in a way that says

I cant get these mind movies out of my head about them…he was longer but thinner which makes me feel inadequate and like I can’t reach parts of her that he could. I am plagued by the rage for a man I called friend. I’m having trouble with the idea that she went raw with him and that very last time she fucked him is absolutely tearing me up in why would she say let’s start fresh and do that…she states it was cause she needed to know if it was still me that she wanted to be with or was she finally done. I don’t believe the messages and I realize I have been an utterly terrible person to her and what was done was done during a break and I got my just deserts but I need help figuring out these emotions and was hoping someone here might have some insight some wisdom…I want to do right by her but I need to get past the nearly obsessive compulsive thoughts I have about her frolicking.

TLDR
WH takes LT-EA to one time PA after break in relationship - BW gets revenge with AP who was mutual friend in short affair with lots of sex WH doesn’t know how to cope with certain feelings noted in last paragraph.

7 comments posted: Monday, January 22nd, 2024