Looong time coming but nearly there

Hi everyone,
While I'm not new to this site, I am new to posting. I've familiarized myself with the forums, especially 'Just Found Out'. I wish I had known about it during my DDay.

I'm nearing the end of my divorce (hopefully). Applications have been signed and filed, however, my divorce lawyer strongly suggests we settle the financials before finalizing the divorce. I thought dealing with my ex's betrayal was a long, painful experience...I had no idea.

We have been on and off for a few years with MANY failed no-contact and reconciliations - him promising to do better, me foolishly believing it and giving him ample opportunity to prove me wrong. Finally, two years ago, I told him there was no possibility of reconciliation based on his inability to be remorseful, accept accountability, and change his ways. I found that he very much romanticized the affair bubble that he was living, so I thought, go live it out and see if the grass is greener, but leave me be. Since then, I've asked him to file numerous times (the immature part of me thought he should have to experience that shame) to no avail. I finally convinced him to file a joint-uncontested divorce. For those of you considering this route, ensure it's what's best for YOU. I was ready to sign the papers but at the last minute, he retracted on his end. So, I was back to square one. A lot of time was wasted by repeatedly giving him the benefit of the doubt. I was always fearful to rock the boat in our marriage, and it transitioned into our separation and divorce proceedings.

For the last YEAR, I have been trying to come to an agreement with him regarding our financials. It has been like pulling teeth. Aside from not providing financial disclosure (despite me being privy to the various accounts and investments we had while married), my lawyer has to hound his lawyer for a response, and all the while, I'm receiving emails and messages that he doesn't want a divorce, how he'll never forgive himself for hurting "his perfect girl" and that he still and will always love me. Years ago, my hopium would have been through the roof. A full retrospect of our time together helps me realize the pain, gaslighting, stonewalling, reeling me in, and perhaps even cheating would continue on a loop.

It was difficult removing myself from this relationship, especially when considering my love, effort, and sacrifices - 20 years of friendship (6 years married), moving to different cities, new jobs etc. Interestingly, a nagging thought I still encounter is the time I used on trying to be the best wife; a wife you wouldn't cheat on, would have been better spent with my family. I hold a great deal of regret. The guilt nearly caused me to stay because then the time and work would have at least been for something.

For anyone having difficulty leaving a situation where you are disrespected, I hope my experience provides a necessary reminder. Not that your WS will see the error in their ways and want you back. In my case, they were empty words. And not to sit with regret wishing you would have acted sooner or differently once confronted with your new reality. While I would have preferred to make my realization quicker than I did, I sleep well at night knowing I gave WS and myself time and the opportunity to reconcile. I was forgiving, patient and loving. There is no shame in that. The reminder is - you'll survive, then you'll be okay, and in time, you will be at peace and content. Every horrible experience I confronted regarding my relationship, ones I thought would quite literally kill me, no longer plague my mind. It was challenging to be told, "in time" or "This too shall pass". How could time heal the biggest betrayal from someone I love the most? It's time AND a lot of work. My experience included: therapy, reading for pleasure and to learn, rediscovering my passions, taking up a new hobby, walking daily, eating (moderately) healthier, making sleep a priority, surrounding myself with family and being a better friend. Ultimately, I showed myself love and care that I never received in my marriage. I only got better with time.

With all that said, I do ask for some advice. X is begrudingly coming to terms with the divorce. While he couldn't stop the divorce form happening, he is now claiming our separation date is years earlier than it actually is in order to limit my right to equalizaiton. My lawyer is working on my behalf, and I'm providing all the necessary proof. I'm wondering if there's anything you suggest that could be helpful?

Thank you!

1 comment posted: Thursday, February 15th, 2024