Scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far.

Never thought I'd be here, but here I am

I tried writing down my story, but turned out to be 5 pages...

Either way, I found out he had made a profile on a datingwebsite to chat up other women. He said he was bored and didn't feel as loved by me anymore. He also said that thát's no excuse and he is extremely sorry for hurting me this much and fucking up like this. That he will do anything to fight for me, for us and that he does not want to lose me at all.

It's not that he physically cheated, "just" some sexual chats and he called a bit with one person. I found out quickly enough. He made a profile during the night and the next day I knew. I'm not a phone snooper, but there has been some things leading up to the point where I did that morning. A strong gut feeling, that, I will forever trust now.

After a lot of talking, emotions, rollercoasters we decided to give it another go. I set some new agreements:
- No more alcohol for him, not a sip or he can pack his stuff too. He has a history of drinking too much and I already told him it bothered me. I even said it made me not want to have sex with him. But at the time I guess he rather drank. Or better yet, have both, by talking to other women. Idiot.
- Get out of bed earlier, so we can actually do stuff together
- I get access to his phone at all times and I don't want to hear a word about it

So far we have been doing okay. It took a lot for me to be intimate, but it does get easier if he tries to be better too. Warm up the oven and you can get cake kind of thing. He hasn't drank at all since then, which is great and helps a ton.

However, phone checking has been becoming an obsession. As if I'm looking to catch him with something. And in my mind I keep thinking he must be hiding things better. But he does leave his phone in the livingroom if he goes to bed or he doesn't cling on it. I want to believe, but the back of my mind tells me he did it before.

He also seems to sleep in more again. Yesterday he got out of bed at 12:30. I was already up since 9. And I got so frustrated with it that I just barely talked to him. I don't want to hear how he then thinks I should wake him up. I'm not some sex alarm or some shit. You wake up yourself. We didn't get to eat breakfast together, we didn't get to do anything before I had to get to work. Just a wasted day.

And that was day 2 without sex and that makes me feel insecure too. Like oh no, what if he thinks it's not enough. What if he get frustrated again?

It's been only, checks date, huh, it's been exactly a month ago since d-day. Great, a special day! Everything is still so fresh. Some days I'm feeling great and in love and want to be intimate. Other days I have dreams I catch him again and we get into a huge fight. Other days I just feel insecure and down.

I haven't really had a reason to be upset with him. He has been great actually, besides the sleeping in. Sometimes I feel that he's all good now I took him back and he goes his merry way and I'm still struggling. Why couldn't he just have listened to me sooner when I told him to stop his stupid drinking?!

4 comments posted: Thursday, June 8th, 2023