New & Lost
Hello everyone,
Thank you for sharing so openly and being understanding with one another. It's been comforting for me. I am 3-weeks or so post DDay as a W partner (not yet married), we're both in our mid-20s. After several months of online sex work that I absolutely did not enjoy, but that I knowingly did not get consent from my partner to do.
I shared with him, have cut contact with all of the people and platforms I was spending time with, got a new traditional job, and am looking to be in therapy again.
I'm absolutely crushed that I did this to him. Our relationship is a little less than 2 years old. All I think about every day is how I can help to make this better for him and how I can possibly atone for myself.
I've always been more of the messed up one in our relationship- he's pretty healthy and happy, meanwhile I've had my issues with substance abuse, eating disorders, depression and attempts, and now SLAA. I've always wondered and even asked him if it would be easier to be with someone "normal". Now I think that is completely true.
I feel like I owe him so, so much to even begin to make up for what I've done to him, and I plan on doing that, if he lets me. I don't even expect to be in a relationship anymore, but if he still needs me there to process, do the work, and hold myself accountable to him, I'll do it for as long as he needs.
I'm studying to be in a helping profession, where I will care for others and counsel them, and I can't believe the way I've just harmed someone. It scares and disgusts me. I've never known myself to be capable of serious harm like this.
It's really hard for me not to sink into my vices- abusing substances, not eating, withdrawing, all as punishment and simply because I can't bring myself to enjoy life anymore. But I'm going to do my best to get through it and be strong because my B needs it and it's what he deserves.
Any thoughts, or insights, would be appreciated. WSs what do you wish you had known or done differently this early after DDay? BSs, what do you wish you would have had at this time?
Thank you everyone very much. I look forward to being a part of this community.
17 comments posted: Tuesday, June 29th, 2021
