AP got back in touch. Confused and hurting. Back at square one

If you read my previous posts, I mentioned I have been trying to get over my AP and refocus on marriage. We have been NC for 8-9 months now (AP and myself). No messages, no meeting up, totally cold.

I have tried therapy, tried throwing myself into my marriage. Tried to focus on the kids. I have tried to love my wife and my life. I want to so badly. But I feel unhappy with how things are still.

I have also not stopped thinking of AP. Not for a single day since I last saw her.

And then, out the blue, she messaged me. We kept it all pretty formal, hope you are doing well and so on. I (naively) suggested maybe being friends, and then she revealed she had intense feelings for me still and so upon reflection, thought it was best we were in no contact still as it hurt too much otherwise.

I am so very confused you guys. Is this meaningful? That after nearly 9 months, we both still have such powerful feelings? That even this very minimal contact could stir me and I believe her like this?

There is a big part of me that thinks I am spending my life with the wrong person and that AP is 'the one'.

I am exhausted from missing her and thinking about her. And if pressed, would have to say, I think I am still in love with her.

On the other hand, I cannot stand the thought of abandoning my family. Of being the cause of yet more hurt and putting us all through a lot of suffering because I have selfish desires

I know I should stay NC. But it seems to not be working for me. If AP still have feelings like she does, then does this mean we had something real?

I am confused and feel back at square one. Now not hearing from her feels like a hole in my chest every single day.

I am at a loss at to how to move on. Does anyone think that I should just tell AP I love her still and to make a go of it? Or do you all think I need some new tactics and more time to get over her?

16 comments posted: Monday, February 8th, 2021

Am I wrong for feeling unhappy with BS?

I have read a lot of responses to a post I made, which I am very grateful to you all for giving input and advice. I have also been researching and reading on this subject for 2 years now.

Everyone's situation is different and the more I look into things, the more I realise that affairs can happen for so many reasons. In short, it is complicated and never as black and white as it may appear.

Here is why I was unhappy:

1 I have spent 10+ years being the model husband and father. I always said to my wife to follow her passions in life and I would always support her and the kids. But she has never done anything with that. Never tried to get a job. Never taken up a hobby. Never actually earned a cent since we met. And I was fine with that, I just wanted her to be happy. But she just does nothing at all. No ambition to do anything. I've tried to encourage her and help her, but dang, she gives up on everything so quickly.

2 I bought us a new house. On top of working long hours, I do all the cleaning in this house. I do all the tidying after the kids. I do all the grocery shopping. All the labor around the house. She cooks as she does not like my dishes. But other than this. She doesn't lift a finger. I don't even know what she does with her time

3 She never liked my friends, so I never see them anymore as it always seems to cause arguments when I do. Same for my family. She has no friends of her own. We have no social life. All she wants is to spend time with the kids. I feel isolated, controlled and lonely.

4 She just wants to watch TV nite after nite. We watch crap on cable instead of talking or connecting. I told her I didn't want that, wanted more. To talk, to laugh, play games. It fell on deaf ears. I feel lonely even when she is there in person.

5 We sleep together, but though I have told her what I would like in bed and asked her how I can make it great for her, it is the same routine every single time. No variety. And my words fall on deaf ears again. I got to the point where I almost wanted to avoid sex altogether

6 Her family have always been pretty off with me - even though I did everything I could to make her happy. It was never good enough. They badmouth me all the time and she never stood up for me.

7 She won't let me parent. I try and put rules in place. But she ignores and lets them ignore every single one. The kids are out of control at times and not well behaved. It is a constant source of tension in the house. The kids see me as the bad guy cause I just think we need to set boundaries.

8 She stopped exercising - OK this is a little contentious. But whilst my wife is very attractive, she just stopped working out and started eating junk. She put on weight and does not seem to want to lose it. It is not even the weight or how she looks so much as what that represents. That is what I find most unattractive. I work out 4 times a week - up at 6am so does not get in way of work or chores. Not sure what she is doing

9 She was messaging guys a long time before my A. She would talk to them on IM or social and it was not platonic content.

10 She lies a lot. Sometimes about stupid things, sometimes about bigger things. I know she does, but she gets angry when confronted.

11 We never do anything, go anywhere, have any quality time together. We had kids and she seemed to give up on marriage and go all in on being a mom. I told her there needs to be balance, times where we were mom and dad and times when it was me and her, a couple. There is no balance.

12 She stopped sharing any interests with me. She is immersed in her own world and with the kids. I often feel like a walking wallet and often very unappreciated. I have no space for myself as she wants to kids around us 24/7. We have no space for a marriage.

I have tried talking to her and being open. I have had therapy for years to work through all this. Many people tell me she seems depressed, but she is pretty happy most days and says this is the life she wants. She does not need friends or a job.

My A did not come out of left field. I was lonely and unhappy. I know this seems like justifying my actions, I suppose it is. It know it was wrong and I should have just left. Not tried to have it all. That was unfair and cruel. I try to make it work with BS. I try and talk to her. I want to be happy. I want to get over AP. But dang, sometimes I wonder if I made the right call if this is how I still feel. That is hard to deal with the question of what if I would have been happier with AP. Yes, the grass is greenest where you water it, but sometimes that patch of grass seems like it's on a very steep hill.

Does this resonate with anyone?

[This message edited by Comesinwaves at 12:10 PM, January 28th (Thursday)]

20 comments posted: Thursday, January 28th, 2021

8 months on, am still not over my AP....

I am a WS. I have been in what was a pretty great marriage for 12years or so. 3 kids.

2 years ago, I drunkenly kissed a co-worker and in that moment, something happened. Life changed. I changed.

I would never, EVER, dream I would cheat on my wife. She is smart, very attractive, funny and kind. We have always had a good sex life.

But I was at a real low point and I know I was vulnerable (depressed etc) at the time this happened. But it is NO excuse. It did mean I took risks I would not usually.

We started an on/off affair for nearly 2 years. Every time we tried to end it, we seemed to only fall more in love. I know all about limerence and went to therapy and did all the reading. But all I can say is, this was the strongest I have felt for anyone. She was the same. We both felt like, this was IT. The one.

The other thing it highlighted was how little me and my wife did together. Dates, time alone, enjoying each other's company, travelling, trying new things, making friends, sharing in one another's lives. I did more with AP in a year than in 12 years with my wife. My wife's life was all consumed with the kids. I always said we needed a balance between being mum and dad and being us, partners. But she just never seemed to really be on board. I realised I had become very lonely in my own marriage. Whilst we had sex 1 to 2 times a week, it was the same thing every time. We never really experimented much. And the time we had together, well, we just watched TV every nite.

I began to realise that I wanted more from life and from a partner. I felt isolated from my friends and family who she never connected with and ultimately, I realised I was plain unhappy.

However, I equally felt immense and unbearable guilt at betraying my wife. Betraying my kids. All the lies. The late nights. The hurt I was causing. It tore me in two. I felt like 2 different people living 2 different lives and I was a total mess.

When I was with AP I felt happy and content for the first time in I don't know how many years. I hated leaving her. I started to not want to go home. But when I was at home, I felt sick to my stomach at who I had become and what I was doing to my family. As you can see, I was almost split in half.

I left home in Jan of 2020 for a few months. My wife and I were not getting on at all. We all needed space. And I wanted to see if what me and AP had was real. I needed to know what it was between us.

I left and separated from my wife. And I then fell into a deep, deep depression. I felt endless guilt. Missed my home and could not enjoy my time with AP as always thought of how hurt my kids were that I left. My daughter kept asking why I was not at home and I could see the effect it had on her at school and her own happiness. I could not bear the pain I had inflicted and in the end, I told AP we had to stop. I was in a very bad way and hated I had now hurt her also.

I spoke to my wife a few months later and we decided to reconcile

Here is the kicker. Despite all this. All the hurt and the lies and the dual life. I cannot, for the last 8 months or more, stop thinking of AP. I dream of her 5 times/week. She is the first thing I think of in the morning and last thing at nite. I miss her constantly and she is never not on my mind.

I do not want to feel like this at all. I want nothing more than to be happy at home again. But I feel lost.

When me and my wife reconciled, it was mainly on her terms (which is fair). I have tried to tell her what I want for us, for our marriage and for a while, it was pretty good. We went on some dates, did some new things in bed, had more time just us. But we are now right back to where we were. She just wants to watch TV nite after nite. We go through the motions of parenting. She never really wants to do anything much. And I am just not attracted to her like I was some years ago.

I am able to grind through it all and smile and seem happy for her and the kids. I don't want to ever hurt them again. But I think of my AP and sometimes feel I made a mistake in not going all in with her, as awful as that sounds.

So, how can I get over her? How can I stop thinking of her? How do I let go of the what ifs?

I believe she is with someone now and does not want much to do with me but there is a part of me that hopes the door may still be open.

I don't know if this is me being possessive and wanting her to still want me, which is plain unfair and cruel, on everyone or I was truly in love with this woman and made a mistake in letting her go and settling back into a life and routine that ultimately does not make me happy. It is safe. It is easier. It is less stressful. Makes more sense financially. But I feel empty inside.

MY therapist asked me if there was a pie chart, how much is just the sex with AP, how much is the freedom (travelling, dates etc), much much is it emotional and care, how much is who they are. i.e, is it them you miss or the life they represent. I think it is both. I do not want to have sex or travel or date anyone else. It is her. The way she makes me laugh. How we get on. Her interests and hobbies. Her love of life. Her spirit. That is what I miss and want. But the life I can have with her, is also incredibly liberating and attractive.

I hope someone can understand this and maybe help me move past the AP and get on with my life. I have never been like this with anyone and never found it so impossible to move on.

[This message edited by Comesinwaves at 7:00 AM, January 28th (Thursday)]

35 comments posted: Tuesday, January 26th, 2021