Karma's Just Starting

Good morning,

I am a WS. My husband found out about my affair 1.5 years ago. The first year was filled with missteps and everything you are not supposed to do until we found some great programs to help us.

There was trickle truth a year after D-Day and a bit more 13 months after D-Day during a Validating Amends that our counselor suggested.

My BH has gotten some good help. He has made progress in moving past the crisis, past most of the rage and anger, into the mourning and forgiving stage.

We are both working hard to improve our communication, along with finding desire, friendship, and happiness again. We are actually doing quite well in this area.

M issue is a lifetime of deep-seated shame. At this stage, I switched careers during the Pandemic. I am still working from home, have little contacts with the outside world. I reduced my friend's circle down to damn near nothing over the affair. My extended family relationships are very stressed. I came to the end of helpfulness with my IC, and am in search of a new one.

My main issues now are:

I'm constantly questioning if what I am doing is right. If I'm failing my husband.

I am daily questioning my professional stance, and if I am a total fraud in my abilities.

I am questioning if I'll ever have any decent friends again in my mid-forties.

I am wondering what the hell life will be like.

I am at home ALL THE TIME.

I just feel extremely isolated and alone and unsure and like a failure and a PoS.

I question myself constantly.

I feel like I have a short window every day to focus on my career, bc my kids and husband need assistance with stuff throughout the day. I can't start work early or work past when my husband gets off (also working from home), because then he'll think and say I'm not focusing enough on him.

I feel like I'm just here, trying to fill time between when someone needs me to help them.

I feel like I will never be enough and never be able to get my feet back under me and be able to stand up tall again.

I feel like I am still a shell of sorts.

I created this but fuck it's killing me. I'll never be able to go dancing again, one of my favorite pasttimes. Never out with the girls on a girls trip again. Never feel comfortable being alone without my husband again.

I'm in great shape but honestly wonder if I should just let myself go and just give up sometimes. I'm intelligent and determined, but lately that's just gone.

I have worked so incredibly hard to be honest and helpful and regain my integrity and self-worth and not be a lying cheating *##$.

I am just left feeling like I still haven't found myself again after all of this.

We are still early on. I realise that.

My affair was 2013-2016. BH found out fall of 2019. 2020 was brutal as hell for everyone, all while the entire family was under the same roof for close to a year.

I feel like my marriage is in the best pace it's ever been in. And I'm so grateful for that.

But at times I feel ilke I may be in the worst place I've ever been in. A cage of my own creation. And I'm not quite sure how to get free. Wondering if it's just Karma. And if so, why am I so incredibly pissed that my AP sn't paying, at all, for his actions also. But then I think that's just the vengeful side of me stirring up. Stop and drop the resentment and stop thinking about that at all. Just focus here, now, in the present. Yet I have a ridiculously hard time focusing on anyting these days.

5 comments posted: Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

Shame and Self Hate, Seek help if your mind is unraveling

How could you? How could you do this? What were you thinking? You damn liar, you cheat! What possessed you to be so selfish, to be such a selfish whore? You are a lying, cheating whore. A worthless piece of sh*t. You are trash. Why are you the way you are? Why are you so broken, so scarred, so ugly, so dark of heart? And so damn selfishness. You lied. Over and over. For your own selfish reasons. You let everyone down, everyone. You put your family at risk, your children, your husband. What in the hell were you thinking? You are not the person I thought you were. You gave away your self respect, your integrity, your values. You trashed your morals. You were defensive, cold, critical, calculating, manipulative. You thought you were so good, better than others who didn’t know any better. In reality, you’re worthless. You made this bed, you were more than happy to roll in it before, so now lay down in it. Wrap yourself in the thorns, pull them tight until they pierce your flesh, rip at your open wounds, digging deeper until you maybe feel an inkling of the pain you have caused. You deserve it. Now stop being shameful, it’s selfish. You’re STILL being selfish, it’s not about you. It’s not about you ever again. Stop crying, get your act together and stop being so selfish. Shame is selfishness and that’s all you’ve been this whole damn time. Stop it and get your act together…

And on and on, until every tear has been shed, my entire body aches, my head is throbbing, my eyes are puffy, I am physically weak and can do nothing but lay in bed, curled up and aching inside. Knowing damn well this self hate isn’t helping anything. Knowing my shame is just selfish and I need to stop it. Knowing it isn’t about me, but about his healing. It has to be all about him from now on. The coldness chills my spine, as I try to shake off the hate, the name calling, the pain. It’s not about me anymore, ever again.

No lies, no secrets, no tears, no shame. Own your part, take full responsibility, even through his flooding, even through inaccuracies and false statements. Through detailed recounts of all your indiscretions, Take it, take all of it. And come closer for more. Don’t shy away from his pain, from his hurt. Come close and take it all in, bow your head in humility, reach out a supportive hand and take it.

… If this is how you feel at times, please reach out. Yes, you are the unfaithful. You sinned, you betrayed. But you are now acknowledging your wrongdoing, you are making amends. You are learning how and why you were able to do those things and steps to take to ensure they never happen again. You are not a bad person. You did bad things. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Seek support. You need to get these emotions and thoughts out of your mind in a healthy way. Don’t drown in your shame. Please please reach out your hand for help. Do the excruciating work you need to do to make amends. But don’t lose yourself again in the process. You are worthy.

2 comments posted: Monday, November 16th, 2020