Timeline

Hi. It’s me again. Just an update and it isn’t good. H asked for a final timeline and it took me forever to get it done as I kept putting it off. He put the pressure on me to do it so I started on it a few weeks ago. We were talking the other night & I told him how, regarding this TL, I can’t remember certain things. One was ‘did OM & I kiss in my vehicle at his work parking lot or was it at a park we met at?’. Originally I told H that we never were in the car together at all. So he had to ask me three times about the truth and I told him...that it was in the car in both locations. He knew we kissed in both locations, just not in the vehicle. I finished the TL and we sat down to discuss it last Sunday. There was some new info on there but the “meat & potatoes” were the same. I had emailed the TL to him and he asked to see the original, handwritten draft. I lied and said that I threw them away when I had actually saved them. Under the threat of going thru the trash outside, I admitted that I had them. There were several differences in the two drafts and now I’m currently not in our bedroom. I wanted to take my own poly and did it yesterday even tho H said not too. He wanted to be the one to handle that. I passed the poly regarding questions that I thought H wanted to know but I mainly did it for myself. So I guess now I’m kinda lost.

[This message edited by Flowergirl50 at 6:07 PM, November 25th (Wednesday)]

31 comments posted: Wednesday, November 25th, 2020

Closure for BS

I know I’m going to get hammered here and I’m ready as I’m sure I need to hear it. Married 2001 & became disappointed in that marriage. I won’t go into details as to why because I am aware that I’m the one who stepped out of the marriage & there’s no justification for that.

2007 -formed a friendship with someone at the gym. We kissed twice & he moved away. I changed my phone number & never had contact again. Lasted a month or two. Then not long after I formed a relationship with a salesman that came into my office. That too lasted a couple months. We kissed and hands strayed. Never had sex (or oral) but not sure if H believes that. He found out about about the 2nd A but I omitted details about where hands went. Never confessed to 1st one. FF to 2016 & a “friend” started texting me. I pushed away for a while & I finally caved & we started a flirtatious relationship. Started sexting/phone sex here & there. H was out of town one weekend & OM came over & we made out. No sex of any kind happened. We would meet at his work or a park a few times after & would talk. Kissing happened some of those times as well. His W found a pic I had sent to him & asked him about it. He lied to her & she believed him. We cooled off & picked back up with communication a few weeks later. His W saw where he was texting me on his phone & called him out on it. He lied/minimized everything & she stayed with him. We never had any sort of sexual relationship after that but we did stay in contact. Nothing after February (ish) 2017. H & I got pregnant 3rd child Dec/Jan 2018 & I contacted OM sometime that spring to tell him. (No, it’s not his child.) He texted me a couple times during that pregnancy then a few weeks after baby born. Nothing sexual. I felt guilty for so long during this A and wanted to tell H but OM would talk me out of it every time. I had no backbone whatsoever. We are a family of strong faith (believe it or not), & something really pushed me to tell H in Feb 2019. I texted OM to let him know I wanted to tell but I wasn’t going to tell him about the fact that he came to our house that fateful night. So I told partial truths. I wish more than anything I had researched this stuff before DDAY. I lied and TT’d for months. My H finally does know everything after many painful discoveries & conversations. I confessed the not-completely-true version of the 2016 and after details to our church pastor and was given some marital assistance but kept any details about 2007 and earlier unknown. So here’s my dilemma: I guess I thought that once it was handled within the church & H forgave me (sex = forgiveness in our faith) than we are to try to move on. Meaning not bringing it up. I didn’t do much research about betrayal trauma during that time because I didn’t think it was necessary (I know I know) even tho H asked me to. This really made things worse for BH & now I’m trying to make that up. Reading books, reading on this site, learning to empathize more, IC. BH wants to R but said we need to have some pretty heavy convos for him to have closure. I’m fine with that. H told me yesterday that he needs another detailed timeline of everything. My body language was resistant mainly because I’m scared I’m going to forget something from 2007 that he remembered I said & it will look like I’m being dishonest. I read everywhere how I should be ready & willing to talk anytime & I am, but I just have that streak of resistance sometimes due to our faith & me wanting us to move forward. I already know I’m going to get hit hard here & I need to hear it. I’m truly remorseful & love my H. I want to help him heal but I’m struggling with that. Sometimes I’m completely humble and other times I think “I’ve been humbled enough so what else do I need to prove?”. I started re-writing the timeline last night & it’s so awful. H is pretty angry with me because of my body language yesterday regarding his time-line request so I’m not sure where he stands right now. I’ve apologized a few times but he’s obviously upset.

[This message edited by Flowergirl50 at 1:21 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)]

40 comments posted: Tuesday, November 10th, 2020