Finally done emotionally. Ready to D.
Hi all,
I haven’t posted here in quite awhile but have been lurking here and there. It is so helpful to read other’s stories and know I’m not alone! That gives me some hope for a brighter future. This is gonna be a long one, but I don’t have anyone to talk to and desperately need to vent a bit. It’s been a few years since I’ve been here and a lot has happened.
I’m not sure if my old posts are up or where to find them, so to quickly recap…Almost two years ago I found out my wife was moonlighting as a prostitute while I was at work. I work in Law Enforcement, thus have odd and very long work hours. She’s blamed me, my work schedule, our finances etc as reasons why she cheated but never taken responsibility for herself.
For the longest time I’ve felt so stuck, paralyzed, frozen, wondering how and why she could do this to me. I wanted to leave when I found out, but a few days later the Covid pandemic hit and that changed things for awhile.
I was still in shock, the world was entering lockdown, I was afraid for my families health and the unknown. So I decided to stay and try and work things out with her. It was as if she became two people. One was a loving wife that I loved hanging out with and laughing with. The other was this beastly ogre that cheated on me with random men for money, while I was risking everything to provide an income and stability for her and our son.
I knew it then but have no doubt now, she’s a bipolar narcissist and she did anything and everything to keep me around. I cried and cried, entered a deep depression, began drinking more, and continued to wake up everyday and go to work to provide for my family.
I thought we entered reconciliation, I thought she understood the depths of my pain, I became pacified from her talks about our future, how we would recover and become stronger than ever before. She said and did what she had to to calm me, but never once apologized.
I feel like such a fool for falling for it. I felt like she understood, she changed, she really only truly cared about us. I continued to drink my sorrows and embarrassment away. I already struggled with this from a lot of exposure to combat in Afghanistan when I was younger. I still do to an extent. Her cheating only served to magnify exponentially my suffering and pain and depression. But she never once admitted to playing a part in that.
We stopped talking about her cheating. Several months ago I brought it up and tried to tell hurt how hurt I still am. She literally laughed at me, and said it’s my fault and she only did what she had to do to survive. She’s always maintained it was always about money. Even though I’ve brought up she’s always been safe, had a nice home, and I tripled my salary within the first three years of our marriage and we weren’t at any time destitute.
None of that matters to her. She explains the only reason I’m still around is because I knew how wrong I was and how horrible I am to her and that’s why I stay. I’m not perfect, but anyone that knows us knows that she is extremely volatile, she was abused as a child and brought up by a bipolar narcissist mother. I have tried to be understanding of that and have always treated her as best I could.
I feel like a fool for doing that now, but I can’t be too hard on myself. I was naive when I met her, and wanted to protect her and give her a good life. I had a happy childhood and loving parents, and have always had a strong drive to help others less fortunate. I spent most of my young adulthood in the military and didn’t really get to date a lot of women. I fell for her quickly after we met and I admit I do still love her, or at least who I thought she was.
Recently I found several messages on her phone from men she fucked while I was at work. She told them she wasn’t available, but never said any more than that. No, "don’t contact me again" or "I’m working on things with my husband" etc. Just, "I’m not available right now". Part of our conditions for staying together was to tell me if any of them tried to contact her again.
She blew it off like nothing happened and it’s not a big deal. Who knows, maybe she’s right. Although I obviously know there’s nothing in her that would stop her from cheating or feeling bad about it, I don’t think she’s actively doing it now. The only reason I say that is I have access to her finances that she doesn’t know. Not that it really matters anyways.
I feel like the last month or so I’ve started to poke my head out from depression, started thawing and becoming able to move again. Whether she’s cheating on me now or not doesn’t matter, she couldn’t do any more damage than what’s already been done.
I keep picturing my life being single, even lonely and miserable and single, and it’s still better than being with her. This used to scare me so much. I thought I had a good job, good wife, a family, a son, a happy life. Never thought I’d be here.
Most days she doesn’t hardly talk to me, and is very careful to avoid asking about how I’m feeling or what’s going on in my life. I’m literally here just to provide security and a paycheck for her and nothing else.
There’s a lot of things that need to happen before I divorce her but it’s coming. Never in my life have I felt so sure. I’m scared to be alone, lose everything, my house, half my time with my son etc. But after reading stories here I know it’s going to be so worth it.
I don’t have any illusions of an easy life or karma or anything after I leave. I’ll likely be alone and struggling financially for quite a while. She’s dug us in a big hole in that respect, partially to keep me from leaving I think. I know she’ll probably find a successful guy and try and rub it in my face soon after we split. Oh well. May God have mercy on that poor man.
I may be 35 with a kid and living with my parents, but I don’t care. That would be better than spending one more day with the trauma of betrayal and deep depression that comes with it. I know this isn’t the path I chose to be on, but I feel like I have to make the best of it. As hard as it’s been so far, it can’t kill me. It won’t break me. And I’ve learned a hell of a lot.
I don’t know if I can ever be in a relationship again, but honestly I’m not really worried about that anymore. I don’t need to replace her right now, I just want to live for me. Who knows, maybe someday I’ll find a gem of a Woman that values loyalty like I do and we can start something beautiful. I’d like to think there’s one out there.
12 comments posted: Saturday, February 5th, 2022
